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Google This! Search Term Haiku #5

“If it isn’t on Google, it doesn’t exist.”–Jimmy Wales

 Not that it has anything to do with this post, but I have to start with something:  reading the above quote, it also occurs to me that if something is ON Google, it exists whether it wants to or not.  

OK, now down to business with another rousing rendition of Search Term Haiku, the game that asks the question, does anybody have a life?  Me? My readers? The anonymous boobs who type this drivel into search engines?

To review how this works:

  1. Every phrase must come from actual search terms that yield this blog in the results, per my WordPress stats page or Google Webmaster Tools page.
  2. The poems must follow the accepted Anglicized format of the traditional Japanese art form: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively.
  3. Each line must be comprised of actual search term phrases, verbatim.  The only changes allowed are punctuation and truncation and capitalization.
  4. Words may not be changed or rearranged. Typos and misspellings must not be corrected.
  5. Phrases may be combined or extended to multiple lines, as long as the previous four conditions are met.

I should point out that the use of terms from Google Webmaster tools is a new feature for episode #5,  made necessary by the fact that Google just doesn’t report many search terms to WordPress anymore.  Or to anybody else for that matter.  But webmaster tools reports oodles (meaning hundreds) of search terms in which a page turns up in, even if not clicked on, so I get to use those.  Whatever.  I don’t explain Google, I just make fun of the boobs who type dumb things into it.

So here goes nothing.

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Cyber-stealth

On the internet

nobody knows you’re a horse

a goat and a pig.

.

Allez France

Blague sur le tennis

Pepe Le Pew girl cat name

Cest nes pas un pipe

.

Ewww

Wank definition:

Osi Umeniora poop

guy has sex with snake.

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Voice Recognition

Letrate** sentences

paraprosdokian quotes

Siri for dummies

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Brainiac

Explain like I’m 5.

Please register or login

Tyson I.Q. score

**Sic

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Google This: Search Term Haiku #4

“What, never? No never! What, never?  Well Hardly Ever!”–Sir William S. Gilbert (HMS Pinafore)

Sir William S. Gilbert

Sir William S. Gilbert

Whoever said that anything worthwhile is not easy must have been talking about Google.  Really!?  Yes, really.  Search term haiku continues to increase in difficulty, as Google reports fewer and fewer of these terms.  On a recent day, for example, I was thrilled to see on my WordPress stats page that some 23 hits on this site had come by way of search engines.  I was, however, horrified to see that only three of the actual terms used were reported.

I don’t give up so easily.  So even as I try never to break my own rules for this genre, using only verbatim excerpts from terms that found this blog, let’s just say I follow them with a fortitude worthy of Sir William S. Gilbert.  You can see the full detailed rules in a previous post. So here goes nothing.  (note: As a result of my Equation of Inane Celebrity Meme Virality being Freshly Pressed a year or so ago,  this blog continues to get many “meme” related search hits.  Read that original post here.)

terms

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One Potato

Paris Hilton meme

show white girls pussy photo

she swallowed a ring.

.

.

Two Potato

Lindsay Lohan meme

a chubby mariachi

Al Capone female

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Three Potato

Life is wasted meme

You can’t hear me, can you?

Smartphone distraction

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Rutabaga

Celebrity meme

Mr. Rutabaga Head

funny to Google

.

More

Heisenberg name meme

when geeky scientists can

exchange sapouse tube**

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**SIC, and as Red Skelton used to say, “I just do ’em, I don’t explain ’em.”

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Google This! Search Term Haiku #3

“The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”–Gilbert K. Chesterton

While poems about cheese may be few and far between, there is no shortage of cheesy poetry, especially on the web.  Far be it for me to not to jump on that band wagon.  So, until some cheese-related phrases start turning up in my search terms, I’ll have to settle for cheesy.  You, like the chickens at left, are more than free to ignore me. The rules, once again, for search term haiku, are as follows:

  1. Every phrase must come from search terms actually used to find this blog, per my WordPress stats page.
  2. The poems must follow the accepted Anglicized format of the traditional Japanese art form: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively.
  3. Each line must constitute an actual individual search term phrase, verbatim.  The only changes allowed are punctuation and truncation.  (Phrases may be taken from within search terms).
  4. Words may not be changed or rearranged. Typos and misspellings must not be corrected.
  5. Phrases may be combined or extended to multiple lines, as long as the previous four conditions are met.

When you are done ignoring the haiku below, you can ignore more of them here.  These were a bit harder to construct, folks.  Cheesy search term haiku requires cheesy search terms queries;  get out there and throw me some Gouda.

Tacky Education

Vinyl lettering

education wallpaper

of Mark Twain quotes

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Three Course Meal

Dog swallowed brillo,

a veterinarian

and Schrödinger’s Cat

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Meow vs. Woof

How to count like cat?

My schipperke is clever

physics equation.

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Existential Stench

I am alone in

Millard Fillmore’s Bathtub blog

with Pepe Le Pou*

.

Equation #2

Real life example

of Lindsay Lohan cup size

celebrity meme.

.

*SIC

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Signature   @MarkSackler

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Google This! Search Term Haiku #2

“Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung.”–Voltaire

www.cartoonstock.com Used by permission

http://www.cartoonstock.com
Used by permission

If Voltaire were alive today, he would have said “anything too stupid to be spoken is Googled.”

And with that missive, folks, it’s time for another thrilling rendition of Search Term Haiku.   To recap,  this feature was inspired by blogger  Elkement  when she created search term poetry on her blog, Theory and Practice of Trying to Combine Just Anything.     She suggested I try my hand at it, and I did her one better.   I created search term Haiku,  which must abide by the following rules:

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  1. Every phrase must come from search terms actually used to find this blog, per my WordPress stats page.
  2. The poems must follow the accepted Anglicized format of the traditional Japanese art form: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively.
  3. Each line must constitute an actual individual search term phrase, verbatim.  The only changes allowed are punctuation and truncation.  (Phrases may be taken from within search terms).
  4. Words may not be changed or rearranged. Typos and misspellings must not be corrected.

The poems below have all been created using search terms that have appeared on my WordPress stats page since the last Search Term Haiku post in January of this year.  It should be noted:  adding stories to this blog about my life as the husband of a veterinarian has opened up a whole new world of gross search terms.  I did not make these up, I swear it.  Enjoy.


YUCK

What does poop look like?

Images found on Facebook

When you have pinworms

 

Science Class

Why is the sky plue*?

To Teach Physics to Your Dog

Erwin Schroedinger

 

 

Ah, Me

Mark Sacler* part 3

When you have enough quotes

Rat and pig cartoon

 

 

Canine Crazy

Dog eats brillo pad

At subatomic level

Mental enema

 

 

Zoophilia

Small lazy black dog

Veterinarian spouse

The wife of Luffy

 
* SIC (typos reproduced accurately.)

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Time Out: Google This! Search Term Haiku

“If it isn’t on Google, it doesn’t exist.”–Jimmy Wales

funny_google_search_result_-722978

The last thing you want to do is throw down a challenge to this blogger.  Ever.  But that’s exactly what Elke Stangl did when she created search term poetry on her blog, Theory and Practice of Trying to Combine Just Anything.  First of all, Elke has a resume that reads like a character from The Big Bang Theory. She describes her self as a physicist turned IT security consultant turned renewable energy engineer–all this plus a stint with Microsoft.   But that aside, her big mistake was suggesting that I try my hand at search term poetry.  I will not be outdone.   Be careful what you wish for Elke, cause here comes Search Term Haiku.  The rules are simple, but the creation is anything but easy.

  1. Every word must come from search terms actually used to find this blog, per my WordPress stats page
  2. The poems must follow the accepted Anglicized format of the traditional Japanese art form: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively.
  3. Each line must constitute an actual individual search term phrase, verbatim.  The only change allowed is punctuation.

You asked for it, Elke.  So here they are.  (Note:  I may have to bestow a BLAHS on Elke for inspiring this idea.  But not the next one, as that has already been determined and will be posted soon.)

 

HAHA

Siri lacks humor.

Did Schroedinger’s Cat Blow up

Albert Einstein’s hair?

 

Non Sequitor

Stupid search engine:

16 Times 4 equals what?

Lawn bowling cartoons

 

 

What’s in a name?

 

Mahatma Gandhi

Luna Rosa Pirana

Lindsay Lohan meme

 

 

Canine Crazy

 

Are Dogs Chaotic?

If you roll the dice enough times

I’m part schipperke.

 

 

Quixotically Quantum

 

Haldane conjecture:

Many worlds are around us

so why don’t you leave.

 
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Time Out: Google This! (or The Color of Stupidity, Part 2)

“The Internet is a good way to get on the net.”–Bob Dole

I preferred the candidate that did not need such enhancement. Credit: Edward Cropper. Click image for link.

The above quote has to be the best thing Yogi Berra never said.  But I digress even before I get started.

With increased traffic comes increased search engine hits.  With increased search engine hits comes more great, completely irrelevant material.  I won’t bore you with repeating the whole story, if you missed the first installment of this feature, you can read it here.   So without further ado, let’s see what some of the less-than-sentient beings out there have been up to–here are more search engine queries that somehow found this blog, each followed, as usual, by my astute analysis.  (Image credit: Edward Cropper)

Vidoe— noe kiddinck?

Stupid names for your entertainment–I already covered that in detail here,  but how about….hmmm….Adam Sandler movies?

Equaions (sic!) in everyday life–the search engines speak Klingon now.

Examples of square roots in real life–my response is too terrifying for a family blog.  Click here if you must know the answer. (Actually, it’s really worth the click 😀 )

Satir Kipec–Nagrado žirija lahko podeli  (I hope that’s not obscene–I copied it from the start of the first link this search term returned.)

Figure X. Schipperke [Pronunciation: Skip-it; Origin, Dutch: Little S&$^%#–er, I mean Little Captain] Noun: 1. A Furry black dog of Belgian origin 2. Trouble waiting to happen

I’m part Schipperke–I bet you’re a little bit pregnant, too.

Examples of squares in everyday life–Bob Dole and Howard Walowitz.

Did Schrödinger’s cat blow up?–No, but it did come away with a hickey.

Malenium (sic!) conjectures–guys don’t conjecture; we just take wild guesses.

We also write wild blog posts.  Stay tuned.  There are evidently bound to be more of these.

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Timeout: Google This! (or, The Color of Stupidity)

“If there are no stupid questions, what questions do stupid people ask?”–Scott Adams

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.”– Benjamin Franklin

Ben on stupidity

Good ol’ Ben knew stupidity when he saw it.

Nothing enables stupid, silly, naive, ridiculous or downright ignorant questions like internet search engines.  Judging by some of the search queries by which my blog has been found, I’m guessing that some of these people were either drunk in a bar, or reading too many ridiculous blogs.  Courtesy of WordPress.com’s excellent blog stats page, here are some of the best examples,  along with my appropriately astute responses.  (NOTE:  These are all verbatim from the aforementioned WordPress stats summary.  Somebody out there actually found my blog using these search queries.)

Where would we be if we traveled 777 billion light years?  I have no idea, but I’d hate to have to pick up the tab for the cab ride home.

Sixteen times four equals what?   Probably 42, if you are Douglas Adams

Let me explain infinity, it is a measure of a human power, which actually not compatible, .  for ex infinity is sir Albert Einstein…   I just report them; I don’t explain them.  But if you have any clue as to what planet the person who wrote this query is from, please inform us all.

Mark Sackler DVM  After 30 plus years of marriage to a veterinarian, I have apparently been awarded an honorary degree.  I certainly deserve some sort of award–or at least sympathy.

Barbayaki  Say what??!!  (According to the stats, this query has found my blog FOUR times.  As Casey Stengel said,  “you could look it up.”)

Why they add 1 millennium in 21st?  OK.  I give up.  Why?

Funny pro-conservative bumper stickers     See my post on non-existence. 

Millennium Twain NASA   You left out rutabaga.

Funny names for mark  What? “Mark” is not funny enough by itself?

Molenium conjectures  Hey, moles can have ideas, too.

Is there still a lawyer for Einstein?  I’m not sure, but I think there is a lawyer for everything–even non-existence.

Please feel free to share your responses to any of these nut-case inquiries,  and be sure to check back in a couple of months.  There are bound to be more where these came from… 😉

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