A Blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime, by Mark Sackler
“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”–Hunter S. Thompson
And when their names get weird–or funny–they go in the first round of the NFL draft. Just ask Barkevious Mingo, Jadeveon Clowney, and Ha-Ha Clinton Dix. They were all first rounders, and all top performers in the annual poll of funniest names in the NFL draft. Oh, yeah. Don’t forget: the 6th annual edition of that venerated tradition will appear on Monday of next week. Same time, same channel.
“Words empty as the wind are best left unsaid.”–Homer
Ah, my dear Homer, a good sentiment. But what if those empty words are absurdly hysterical? It will take more than a dead Greek poet to stop me.
Everything is being done with Artificial Intelligence these days, some of it profound, some of it scary, and some of it downright ridiculous. You’d know this if you followed my Seeking Delphi™ podcasts and blog. AI is being used for early disease diagnosis, protection of the power grid, and facial recognition to catch criminals and secure our cell phones. But it’s also being used for some pretty silly things, too. How about a sex robot that tells jokes, or a robodog that sniffs your feet and passes out if they stink?
This brings me to the latest effort in the Mark’s Neologisms series. I didn’t invent the terms below. An AI program devised by Colorado researcher Janelle Shane was programmed to create convincing sounding disease names. The results were, well, both hilarious and alarming. But here’s the thing–it only created the names. So in the great tradition of my sicko mind, here are some of my favorites from the list, with the actual definition of the malady added by yours truly.
Sexursoma Ear–The Latin name for hickey of the ear.
Joint Pseudomalabia–Inflammation of a prosthetic joint
Ear Poop–A side effect gotten from listening to political speeches.
Teenagerna Vain Syndrome–Well, that’s obvious.
Catdullitis–An affliction that causes pet owners to prefer dogs.
Ankle Bladders–Caused by severe gout
Seal Breath–Not fatal if you have it, but possibly fatal if the person next to you has it.
Testicle Behavior–A mythical condition never afflicting heterosexual males.
Eye Stools–A pandemic caused by televising political debates.
Hoot Injury–A bruise or contusion obtained when bumped into by a Hooters waitress.
Vertical Hemoglobin Fever–What most residents of Colorado, Alaska, Washington DC and other locales suffer from since the legalization of pot.
Cold Glock Allergy–An aversion to being held at point blank range.
Some of the names were so ridiculous I couldn’t begin to define them. A few of the most bizarre are listed below. See if you can come up with something for any of the following.
Mardial Denection
Gumpetic Surpical Escesion
Vertical Pasocapheration Syndrome
Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear
Milk Tomosis Black Bote Headache Excessive Woot Sweating
Stumm Complication 8 Poop Herpangitis
Wamble Submoration Osteomaroxism
Bacterial Fladular Syndrome Asteophyterdimentricular Aneurism
If nothing else, these are sure to make The Blog of Funny Names
Note: This post previously appeared on The Blog of Funny Names
“Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row.”–Vitas Gerulaitis when he finally beat Jimmy Connors after losing to him 16 straight times.
Here at The Blog of Funny Names, we’ve always had a fascination with people who have two last names. Outerbridge Horsey is the classic. Then of course, there are those that have two first names–like the eponymous Tommy John.
Taylor Harry Fritz.
But seldom have we come across somebody whose name appears to be backwards. But that would seem to be the case with rising 18-year-old American tennis star, Taylor Harry Fritz. If his name was Fritz Harry Taylor, we wouldn’t consider feting him in these hallowed pages. Or Harry Fritz Taylor, or even Harry Taylor Fritz. It’s as if the names were picked out of a hat to come in that order.
But that aside, the tennis world is not laughing; especially the American tennis world. No American man has won a major tennis tournament since Andy Roddick won the US Open in 2003. No American man has even made the quarter finals of a major since Roddick, Mardy Fish (a great funny name as well) and John Isner all did it in 2011. There is currently no American man ranked higher than #17 in the world (Isner)
However you order his names, Taylor Fritz may just be the guy to change all that. He won the 2015 junior boys title at the US Open and finished the year as the top ranked junior in the world. And after turning pro in 2016? He won his first ATP tour title, qualified for the Australian Open, and has jumped to #65 in the world from a ranking in the 600’s in just a few months. He is the youngest player currently in the top 100. Last week at a tournament in Stuttgart, Germany, he got a real taste of the big time, meeting all–time great Roger Federer in the second round. He lost, but gave Federer a run for his money at 4-6, 7-5, 4-6. I don’t know if Federer will be around long enough for Fritz to play him 17 times, but I’d bet he won’t need that many to beat him. And that goes no matter what order you say his names in.
As for me, if you’re tired of this blog, you can go to my new, second blog, Seeking Delphi, and mock me there.
Cheers,
Note: this post appeared recently under a different title on The Blog of Funny Names
“Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”–Groucho Marx
The Inimitable Groucho
Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was not only one of the funniest men to ever live, he also played some of the funniest named characters in American movie history. It’s also notable (at least to me) that he is the “ridiculous” part of the inspiration in the name of this blog (The Millennium Conjectures: A blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime). And by the way, the “sublime” half of the inspiration is one Mohandas K. Gandhi (October 2, 1869-January 30, 1948). The point? Well, take a close look and you will see one similarity. They share the same birthday, October 2, which just happens to be my birthday–if many years later.
But I digress. While Groucho’s name may only be somewhat funny, many of the character names he played in a slew of classic Marx Brothers movies were over the top funny. Here are just a few of them, in chronological order.
” I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. “–Groucho Marx in Horsefeathers.
While Groucho’s first truly iconic role was that of Captain Jeffrey Spaulding in 1930’s Animal Crackers, Wagstaff was his first funny-named character. But believe me, in that department he was just getting started.
“Go, and never darken my towels again.”–Groucho Marx in Duck Soup.
While originally opening to mixed reviews, perhaps due to its then already dated World War I era political satire, Duck Soup has since become regarded as a classic and comedic masterpiece and was named to the American Film Institute’s list of the top 100 films of the 20th century. One critic said “love the comedy and ignore the plot.” No kidding. Caring about the plot of a Marx Brothers movie is like caring about the frame on a Picasso.
“And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.”–Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera
Another classic which was also named to AFI’s top 100 American Films of the 20th century. It just happens to also include what I consider the funniest scene of slapstick comedy ever made. (See below).
I’d laugh even harder, but the last cruise I went on, my own cabin was about that size.
“I have a confession to make. I’m a horse doctor. But marry me and I’ll never look at another horse.”–Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races
As suggested by the quote above, Groucho plays a veterinarian of dubious skills in this flick. I always think of the character name as being Dr. Quackenbush. And as my wife happens to be a veterinarian, I laugh doubly hard. Hey, if I can laugh at myself, I can laugh at my wife, too.
“I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.” Groucho Marx in At the Circus
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that, with that name, Groucho’s character in this one was a lawyer. It wasn’t the best of the Marx Brothers’ movies, but produced one of the most iconic musical numbers from their oeuvre, Lydia the Tattooed Lady.
That’s just a sampling, but if you don’t like these, well, he has others!
Note: This post appeared yesterday, under a different title, on The Blog of Funny Names
“Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.”–Winston Churchill
In the beginning, there was Outerbridge Horsey. And Outerbridge Horsey begat Outerbridge Horsey, Jr., who begat Outerbridge Horsey III, who begat Outerbridge Horsey IV and so on through Outerbridge Horsey VII, who still lives today. And collectively, The Horseys begat the blog of Funny Names which became the bible of funny names.
Now, unto us a king is given. Behold a new dawn and a New Testament of funny names.
I give you, Oliphant Chuckerbutty. Or in full, Soorjo Alexander William Langobard Oliphant Chuckerbutty. (note: he apparently also was known at times as Wilson Oliphant, but why he would ever go by anything other than Oliphant Chuckerbutty is beyond me.).
No, not that Oliphant.
The esteemed Mr. Chuckerbutty (1884-1960) was a church and cinema organist, as well as composer of organ music. He lived most of his life in India. He was best known for, well, not much other than an awesome name. He did write a brief treatise for young aspiring cinema organists and a single one of his compositions has survived in the classical organist repertory. Unfortunately for his legacy, there has been no call for cinema organists since the invention of talkies in the late 1920’s. And here’s an interesting puzzle: if the World Wide Web has only existed since the 1980’s, how is it that his ancient document entitled To be or not to be–A Cinema Organist is available on line (here)? Would anyone in his right mind actually publish this relic today? No. Aliens definitely walk among us; they built the internet hundreds of years ago and hid it from us until this exposee on The Blog of Funny Names.
There’s not much else to tell about Mr. Chuckerbutty. His grandfather was a journalist named William Oliphant–which might lead one to speculate that he was a relative of the political cartoonist Pat Oliphant. It might; I have no idea. Or maybe he was the inspiration for Tolkien’s oliphants. I suspect that would actually be the organist in the You Tube video below.
Postscript: One of the comments on The Blog of Funny Names made reference to an online picture of Oliphant Chuckerbutty in a bow tie. I looked up that picture and was astonished to see that he is was a near dead ringer for the notorious Arnold Rothstein. As their supposed birth dates are within two years of each other, I’m wondering: brothers separated at birth? Or maybe Rothstein didn’t die from gunshot wounds in that NYC hotel in 1928. Maybe he moved to London and became Oliphant Chuckerbutty. What do you think?
Oliphant Rothstein?
Arnold Chuckerbutty?
As luck would have it, my second annual sojourn to the U.S. Open Tennis Championships just happens to fall on the same day as my monthly guest post on The Blog of Funny Names. This post appears there simultaneously; don’t say I didn’t warn you.
“It’s true I always try to be as seductive as possible, but I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t play tennis.”–Anna Kournikova
Kournakova. Yes, she also plays tennis.
Rybarikova…Rodionova…Cepelova…Strycova…Pronkova…to the uninitiated these names may sound like they came straight from the roster of the Moscow Ballet. In fact, they are just a handful of the 21 players whose last names end in “ova” in the Women’s singles main draw at the U.S. Open Tennis Championships now into the second week of play. It seems that eastern European women would rather play tennis than dance–and why not? There is certainly more money in hitting those little yellow balls around.
So what about the men? C’mon, now, you know better. Men don’t have ova. No, really. There is not a single “ova” name in the men’s singles draw. So where are all the Eastern European men whose surnames end in “ova?” Hmm. Maybe we should check the roster of the Moscow Ballet.
On the subject of the above quoted Anna Kournikova, it should be noted that the reigning USTA junior girls champion, 15-year-old American CiCi Bellis became the youngest woman to win a main draw singles match at the US Open since Kournakova in 1996. And whom did Bellis beat? Why Dominka Cibulkova, of course.
As for those of the “Y” chromosome persuasion, it seems the Eastern Europeans also contribute, with notable names including Czechs Blaz Kavil and Jiri Vesely and Slavakian Luckas Lacko. All three were all somewhat lacko, though, and got knocked out in the early rounds, as did Fecundo Bagnis, who just might be Bilbo Baggins’s Argentinian cousin.
Batten down the hatches, there’s a Tornado coming.
In the juniors, the best name is a holdover from last year’s girl’s finals. That would be Tornado Black. What makes her name even more awesome is that her younger sister, Hurricane Black, should be along to join her in a couple of years. Who could ever hope to beat a doubles team named Tornado and Hurricane?
We can’t leave out the boy’s junior draw, where promising up and coming names winning first round matches included Korean Duckhee Lee and Americans Usue Maitane Arconada and Taylor Harry Fritz. That last one is worthy of some discussion. We’ve at times made comments about people who have two first names (like the eponymous Tommy John) and two last names (think Harrison Ford). But in this case, we are looking at last name first and first name last. Or for that matter, maybe it’s inside out. Taylor Harry Fritz? Harry Fritz Taylor? Fritz Taylor Harry? No matter, as long as he wins.
I’ll actually be at the Open today…I’ll report in through the comments if I see any other newsworthy names anywhere else. Anywhere. Chair umpires, beer vendors, washroom attendants. Don’t ever assume that I have a life.
Cheers 🙂
“Said Conrad Cornelius O’Donald O’Dell, my very young friend who is learning to spell…”–Dr. Seuss (On Beyond Zebra)
This post appears today on The Blog of Funny Names
It has been previously reported in these pages that this author’s interest in funny names began way back in middle school in the mid 1960’s with the creation of a list of the 50 wackiest names in baseball history.
This report was wrong. It’s true that my best friend of that era and I did create such a list. But my seminal interest in funny names lore predated even that, going way back to elementary school in the late 1950’s. My favorite book at that age, you see, was an amazing tome by one Theodore Seuss Geisel, AKA Dr. Seuss.
I have often said that while others are encouraged to think outside the box, I have often found it downright difficult to think inside the box, and I’m pretty sure this habit started with the Seuss classic, On Beyond Zebra. And while an earlier post on this blog chronicled Charles Dickens as the greatest master of funny names in English Literature, Dr. Seuss deserves similar recognition in the milieu of children’s literature.
I could go on and on regarding any number of Seussian monikers, like Gertrude McFuzz, Ziggy Zozzfozzel or Gerald McBoing-Boing. But one book stands alone–On Beyond Zebra–as the absolute gold standard of funny names in children’s literature. In fact, it contained names so outre he invented new letters of the alphabet with which to spell them.
In all 20 new creatures made this alphabet quorum, from YUZZ-A-MA-TUZZ to HIGH GARGEL-ORUM. For the most part they seemed and sounded quite dumbus, like FLUM is for FLUMMEL and WUM is for WUMBUS. What is my favorite? It’s darned hard to picker, from SNEE is for SNEEDLE to GLICK is for GLIKKER. And as sure and as shootin’ as I am a libra, my favorite kids book is still ON BEYOND ZEBRA.
We often referred to our two schipperkes (dogs) as Thing A and Thing B. They were almost as raucous as these guys.
And that, my friends, is how it is done. So come back real soon if you want some real fun. 😀
END NOTE: A few years ago there were so many hurricanes that the National Hurricane Center ran out of standard western alphabet letters to name them after, and had to go to Greek letters to designate the overflow. I actually emailed WCBS-New York News Radio 880 weatherman Craig Allen and suggested they use the Seuss letters instead. To my amazement, he took my tongue-in-cheek suggestion seriously and emailed back that I should send the suggestion to the Hurricane Center. I shot back that it was intended as a joke, and he should feel free to use it. I don’t know if he ever did, but a few days later Stephen Colbert made this very suggestion on the first Colbert Report. Coincidence? Maybe, but those New York media types travel in the same circles, so you never know!
I admit it, holidays left me in a lazy blogging fog. One more reblog–my monthly guest post on The Blog of Funny Names–and I promise to get back on track. Eventually.
“I grew up with 6 brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.”–Bob Hope
“Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.”–Linus (Charles M. Schultz)
When it comes to siblings in major professional sports, a few names immediately come to the minds of today’s fans. The Manning Brothers. The Williams Sisters. The Molina Brothers. The Klitschko Brothers.
Yes, they come to the mind of the everyday sports fans–but we at The Blog of Funny Names set a higher standard. When it comes to siblings with funny names, two pairs of boxing twins(yes, twins!) stand out above the crowd. So let’s investigate.
Jermell and Jermall Charlo are identical twins born one minute apart in LaFayette, LA in 1990. Wow–it’s hard enough to tell identical twins apart–their parents had to give them practically identical names, too? They are both undefeated professional boxers in the light middleweight division. Jermell…
View original post 306 more words
I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but I might have the most cluttered mind.
The Millennium Conjectures™ 