A Blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime, by Mark Sackler
“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”–Hunter S. Thompson
And when their names get weird–or funny–they go in the first round of the NFL draft. Just ask Barkevious Mingo, Jadeveon Clowney, and Ha-Ha Clinton Dix. They were all first rounders, and all top performers in the annual poll of funniest names in the NFL draft. Oh, yeah. Don’t forget: the 6th annual edition of that venerated tradition will appear on Monday of next week. Same time, same channel.
“One human data is worth a billion mice.”–Bioviva CEO, Elizabeth Parrish**
So what about goldfish data? And don’t even ask about the mice’s point of view on human data. All they care about is the cheese.
**Don’t look for this quote anywhere else on the internet–yet. It comes directly from my interview with Parrish that will air on the next Seeking Delphi™ podcast, and appear in the March issue of Age of Robots.
“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.”–Gary Allan
Santa would never dare mess with my lawyer. And I had naughty nailed decades ago. Naughty or nice, enjoy the holiday season. In a few days, we return to reality.
“We view ourselves as separate from the cosmos, and separate from each other. The truth is, we are a continuum. One line of code in an enormously complex computational system.”–Gray Scott
Let’s just hope that code isn’t corrupt. I have my doubts.
“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anyone tell you different.”–Kurt Vonnegut
I always knew Kurt Vonnegut was a class guy. As for the kid in the cartoon? I think that’s an 8-year-old Benny Hill.
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”–Woody Allen
On the other hand, if you’re failing all the time, it’s a sign you’ll probably get re-elected. And they say banker’s hours are easy.
“This you may say of man – having stepped forward, he may slip back, but only half a step, never the full step back.” –John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath
“Past performance is no guarantee of future results.”–boilerplate investment disclaimer
The last time I took a half step back, I tripped over the lawn sprinkler and almost sprained an ankle. But I managed to recover. As for the current state of Western society, I’m not so sure that past performance will save us. For deeper analysis of what all of this means for the future, visit my other blog (and podcast) at Seeking Delphi.™
“Words empty as the wind are best left unsaid.”–Homer
Ah, my dear Homer, a good sentiment. But what if those empty words are absurdly hysterical? It will take more than a dead Greek poet to stop me.
Everything is being done with Artificial Intelligence these days, some of it profound, some of it scary, and some of it downright ridiculous. You’d know this if you followed my Seeking Delphi™ podcasts and blog. AI is being used for early disease diagnosis, protection of the power grid, and facial recognition to catch criminals and secure our cell phones. But it’s also being used for some pretty silly things, too. How about a sex robot that tells jokes, or a robodog that sniffs your feet and passes out if they stink?
This brings me to the latest effort in the Mark’s Neologisms series. I didn’t invent the terms below. An AI program devised by Colorado researcher Janelle Shane was programmed to create convincing sounding disease names. The results were, well, both hilarious and alarming. But here’s the thing–it only created the names. So in the great tradition of my sicko mind, here are some of my favorites from the list, with the actual definition of the malady added by yours truly.
Sexursoma Ear–The Latin name for hickey of the ear.
Joint Pseudomalabia–Inflammation of a prosthetic joint
Ear Poop–A side effect gotten from listening to political speeches.
Teenagerna Vain Syndrome–Well, that’s obvious.
Catdullitis–An affliction that causes pet owners to prefer dogs.
Ankle Bladders–Caused by severe gout
Seal Breath–Not fatal if you have it, but possibly fatal if the person next to you has it.
Testicle Behavior–A mythical condition never afflicting heterosexual males.
Eye Stools–A pandemic caused by televising political debates.
Hoot Injury–A bruise or contusion obtained when bumped into by a Hooters waitress.
Vertical Hemoglobin Fever–What most residents of Colorado, Alaska, Washington DC and other locales suffer from since the legalization of pot.
Cold Glock Allergy–An aversion to being held at point blank range.
Some of the names were so ridiculous I couldn’t begin to define them. A few of the most bizarre are listed below. See if you can come up with something for any of the following.
Mardial Denection
Gumpetic Surpical Escesion
Vertical Pasocapheration Syndrome
Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear
Milk Tomosis Black Bote Headache Excessive Woot Sweating
Stumm Complication 8 Poop Herpangitis
Wamble Submoration Osteomaroxism
Bacterial Fladular Syndrome Asteophyterdimentricular Aneurism
If nothing else, these are sure to make The Blog of Funny Names
“If it turns out that there IS a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”–Woody Allen in ‘Love and Death.’
And, as Woody also said: “There is no question there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?” Anyway, if relativity, evolution and carbon dating aren’t enough to convince you creationism is bunk, consider this. Even god couldn’t screw humanity up this bad in just 6,000 years. (Boy am I gonna get hate mail)
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.–Ambrose Bierce
I’d say the quote above isn’t true, but I’d be lying. Um. That’s assuming I copied it correctly. I’m more than capable of misquoting myself, let alone anyone else. But don’t quote me.
I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but I might have the most cluttered mind.
