A Blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime, by Mark Sackler
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”–Stephen Hawking
Hawking–his sense of humor was his secret to survival
Boy, can I ever relate to that philosophy. It’s what underlies this blog. It’s what keeps me going. It has kept my marriage alive for 40 years–so far. Forget all his cosmic stuff–that quote is the best part of his legacy.
“Words empty as the wind are best left unsaid.”–Homer
Ah, my dear Homer, a good sentiment. But what if those empty words are absurdly hysterical? It will take more than a dead Greek poet to stop me.
Everything is being done with Artificial Intelligence these days, some of it profound, some of it scary, and some of it downright ridiculous. You’d know this if you followed my Seeking Delphi™ podcasts and blog. AI is being used for early disease diagnosis, protection of the power grid, and facial recognition to catch criminals and secure our cell phones. But it’s also being used for some pretty silly things, too. How about a sex robot that tells jokes, or a robodog that sniffs your feet and passes out if they stink?
This brings me to the latest effort in the Mark’s Neologisms series. I didn’t invent the terms below. An AI program devised by Colorado researcher Janelle Shane was programmed to create convincing sounding disease names. The results were, well, both hilarious and alarming. But here’s the thing–it only created the names. So in the great tradition of my sicko mind, here are some of my favorites from the list, with the actual definition of the malady added by yours truly.
Sexursoma Ear–The Latin name for hickey of the ear.
Joint Pseudomalabia–Inflammation of a prosthetic joint
Ear Poop–A side effect gotten from listening to political speeches.
Teenagerna Vain Syndrome–Well, that’s obvious.
Catdullitis–An affliction that causes pet owners to prefer dogs.
Ankle Bladders–Caused by severe gout
Seal Breath–Not fatal if you have it, but possibly fatal if the person next to you has it.
Testicle Behavior–A mythical condition never afflicting heterosexual males.
Eye Stools–A pandemic caused by televising political debates.
Hoot Injury–A bruise or contusion obtained when bumped into by a Hooters waitress.
Vertical Hemoglobin Fever–What most residents of Colorado, Alaska, Washington DC and other locales suffer from since the legalization of pot.
Cold Glock Allergy–An aversion to being held at point blank range.
Some of the names were so ridiculous I couldn’t begin to define them. A few of the most bizarre are listed below. See if you can come up with something for any of the following.
Mardial Denection
Gumpetic Surpical Escesion
Vertical Pasocapheration Syndrome
Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear
Milk Tomosis Black Bote Headache Excessive Woot Sweating
Stumm Complication 8 Poop Herpangitis
Wamble Submoration Osteomaroxism
Bacterial Fladular Syndrome Asteophyterdimentricular Aneurism
If nothing else, these are sure to make The Blog of Funny Names
“If it turns out that there IS a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”–Woody Allen in ‘Love and Death.’
And, as Woody also said: “There is no question there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?” Anyway, if relativity, evolution and carbon dating aren’t enough to convince you creationism is bunk, consider this. Even god couldn’t screw humanity up this bad in just 6,000 years. (Boy am I gonna get hate mail)
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.–Ambrose Bierce
I’d say the quote above isn’t true, but I’d be lying. Um. That’s assuming I copied it correctly. I’m more than capable of misquoting myself, let alone anyone else. But don’t quote me.
Don’t u just hate that? OMG, me 2! GMTA! I’d tell you just exactly where this burns me up, but that would be TMI. C U later. 😛
“A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.”–Carrie Snow
I can just sense you nodding your head in agreement. If you hear a rattle when you do that, go see a neurologist and hope it doesn’t go away when you get there. (The rattle, not your head. Well, OK, your head, too.).
“I don’t know about you, but most of my exchanges with cashiers are not that meaningful.”–Jeff Bezos
(Related word: Scanfusion, noun,–a similar annoyance when a product’s UPC code won’t scan)
This calls to mind my late step-mother’s infatuation with restaurant coupons. She just wouldn’t go out to eat without a coupon for some sort of discount. I once observed that if the eatery was giving away free food, she still wouldn’t go if she didn’t have a coupon. She didn’t disagree.
(Be sure to follow my more serious stuff at www.seekingdelphi.com)
“Let’s make Donald Trump explain his hair.”–Ted Deutch
No comment.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”–Will Rogers
Here’s a hint. You can’t fix stupid with stupider. Maybe the biotech industry can come up with a solution. But then, who am I to argue with Will Rogers?
You can check out my lame attempts to make the world a little less “stupider” on my futurist blog (and accompanying podcast) Seeking Delphi.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”–Carl Reiner
Call me freezing. A few minutes ago–never mind how many exactly–having no life at home and little to keep me in the house, I thought I would set out and see the snowy part of the world. That lasted exactly 15 seconds. Home Sweet (and warm) Home. This weather sucks. Stay inside, my friends.
I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but I might have the most cluttered mind.
The Millennium Conjectures™ 