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5th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The 2017 NFL Draft

Note, this post occurs concurrently on The Blog of Funny Names.   I also blog and podcast on futurist topics at Seeking Delphi.

“They certainly give very strange names to diseases.”–Plato

These guys are all destined for something. Bacon, maybe?

Obviously, they didn’t have football in Plato’s day.  Maybe they had a funniest name in the ancient Olympics contest.  Of course, most of those names look funny to us today.

But why discuss the past when we have the funny names of the present?  It’s that time again–the time to honor (and ridicule) the funniest names in the 2017 NFL draft.  This year provides and interesting mix and a veritable embarrassment of riches–there are so many unusual and even bizarre first names, alone, we could almost conduct a separate poll for that.  Consider:  Praise, Amba, Salamo, Jehu, Cethan, JuJu, Budda, Takkarist, Taco, Cordrea, Tanoh, Phazan,  Amara, Fadol, Torrodney, Psalm, Pita and on and on and on.   Yes, there’s a Taco and a Pita.  I’m Hungry already.

As for last names, there are several that can only be described as a threat to your oral health if you try to pronounce them.  To simplify things–if that is even possible–I’ve also gone for alliteration, mellifluousness or straight out style points in choosing the finalists.  But write in votes are allowed and encouranged.  Jaquiski Tartt won on a write-in two years ago.  It was that double “t” that did it.   As per tradition, I’ll also tell what I think the name sounds like, if it didn’t belong to a football player.

 

 

Jake Butt, TE, Michigan–Talk about nominative determinism: a tight end named Butt.  Maybe you can make this stuff up; I sure can’t.  He was headed towards a first round selection until he tore his ACL in the Orange Bowl.  That’s OK, his butt is still intact.  He’ll probably go in the third round or so.  What I think his name sounds like: a longshoreman.

Cordrea Tankersly, CB, Clemson–Tankersly certainly scores low on the nominative determinism scale.   With a name like that, he should have been an offensive tackle.  That’s OK, he makes up for it by having one of the more mellifluous names in this year’s draft.  It kind of rolls off the tongue.  Hopefully the wide receivers won’t roll off his coverage.  What I think his name sounds like: a hog farmer from Kansas.

Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan–OK, so Taco is obviously a nickname.  His real name is Vidaunte, which is unusual but not nearly as poetic. Using a nickname certainly didn’t stop Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix from winning our 2014 poll.  So let’s go with Taco.  What I think his name sounds like: a cartoon spokesperson for the South of The Border restaurant chain.

Tanoh Kpassagnon, DE, Villanova–You might have to visit your dentist if you try to pronounce this guy’s name.   As he is 6’7″ 290lbs., you’ll be lucky if you have any teeth left if you piss him off.  According to the NFL draft pronunciation guide it’s  taw-no  pass-N-yo. No nominative determinism here.  With that pronunciation, he should either be a quarterback or an Indy car driver.   What I think his name sounds like:  a character in a Voltaire play.

A non-football future for Cooper Kupp?

Cooper Kupp, WR, Eastern Washington–Proving that players from smaller schools can also hit the big time, in football and in funny names.  He also wins the nod for the best alliterative name this year.   What I think his name sounds like: a Texas ranger (the lawmen, not the baseball team).

Praise Martin-Oguike, LB, Temple–He’s is a long shot to get picked in the draft; it’s  more likely he’ll be signed as an undrafted free agent.  But I always like to include at least one double-barreled surname each year, and his is the best of the current crop.  And as for Praise , it has to be the most narcissistic moniker for an athlete since minor league baseball player Wonderful Terrific Monds.  What I think his name sounds like: a Baptist minister.

Honorable mention goes to all of the following–and you can write in any of them:  Budda Baker, Channing Stribling, Tau Lotulelai (Star’s brother), Leo Koloamanangi, Phazahn Odom, Obi Melinfanwu, Amba Etta-Tawo,  JuJu Schuster-Smith, Takkarist McKinley, Pita Taumoepenu and just about anyone and anything else you can spell or attempt to pronounce.  Vote as often as you like.  The polls close at noon EDT, Monday, May 1.

 

 

 

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Mark’s Neologisms #5

“I don’t know about you, but most of my exchanges with cashiers are not that meaningful.”–Jeff Bezos

Coupfusion–noun (koop•fu’•shun)

1. The to-do that occurs at a grocery checkout counter when a clueless customer or cashier can’t deal with expired coupons.

2. The irritation of being stuck on line behind such an occurrence

(Related  word: Scanfusion, noun,–a similar annoyance when a product’s UPC code won’t scan)

This calls to mind my late step-mother’s infatuation with restaurant coupons.  She just wouldn’t go out to eat without a coupon for some sort of discount.  I once observed that if the eatery was giving away free food, she still wouldn’t go if she didn’t have a coupon.  She didn’t disagree.

(Be sure to follow my more serious stuff at www.seekingdelphi.com)

 

 

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Cosmic Quote #81: Play Ball!

“Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamppost: for support, not illumination.”–Vin Scully

Non Sequitur

Ah, it’s that time of the year again.  And the statistical probability is that I will be distracted to no end.  But the baseball season won’t be quite the same without Vin Scully.  He started calling games the year I was born and that was–er, that was–damned if I’m telling.  Just watch the games and keep score.   (If you’re a blasphemer and don’t like baseball, try my other blog (and podcast) at www.seekingdelphi.com.

 

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Cosmic Quote #80

“Let’s make Donald Trump explain his hair.”–Ted Deutch

No comment.

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Cosmic Quote #78

“Don’t let the same dog bite you twice.”–Chuck Berry

Unfortunately, the Grim Reaper has bitten us multiple times in the past year.  So many of my heroes gone. John Glen.  Yogi Berra.  Alvin Toffler.  Arnold Palmer.   And now, one of the indisputable greats of original American Music.  I’d let that dog bite me three times if it would bring all these icons back.

 

If the future of the human race concerns you, be sure to check out my other blog–and podcast to go with it–at www.seekingdelphi.com.

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(Frozen) Cosmic Quote #77-3.0

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”–Jeff Valdez

Jeff Valdez obviously doesn’t know our dogs.  We can hardly get them to go outside to do their business when it snows.  Pull a sled? Hah! We used to have a nasty little Spitz named Miles.  The Spitz is also sometimes known as The American Eskimo Dog.  Miles was having none of it.  We literally had to pick him up and throw him outside when it snowed.  Dogs are smarter than you think.

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(Frozen) Cosmic Quote #77-2.0

“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”–Carl Reiner

Call me freezing.  A few minutes ago–never mind how many exactly–having no life at home and little to keep me in the house, I thought I would set out and see the snowy part of the world.  That lasted exactly 15 seconds.  Home Sweet (and warm) Home.  This weather sucks.  Stay inside, my friends.

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(Frozen) Cosmic Quote #77

“Eskimos had over two hundred different words for snow, without which their conversation would probably have got very monotonous. So they would distinguish between thin snow and thick snow, light snow and heavy snow, sludgy snow, brittle snow, snow that came in flurries, snow that came in drifts, snow that came in on the bottom of your neighbor’s boots all over your nice clean igloo floor, the snows of winter, the snows of spring, the snows you remember from your childhood that were so much better than any of your modern snow, fine snow, feathery snow, hill snow, valley snow, snow that falls in the morning, snow that falls at night, snow that falls all of a sudden just when you were going out fishing, and snow that despite all your efforts to train them, the huskies have pissed on.”–Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers guide to The Galaxy

It’s going to be a long Tuesday

Here in New England we have only one noun for snow.  But boy, do we have adjectives. Lot’s of adjectives.  Lots of unprintable adjectives. Shit, I hate snow.   (If you’re snowed in and hard up for diversion, listen to my podcasts at www.seekingdelphi.com)


 

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Cosmic Quote #76–YouTube and Seeking Delphi Podcast

“I’m sure if Shakespeare were alive today, he’d be doing classic guitar solos on YouTube.”–Peter Capaldi

Yeah…um….NO!  I doubt it.  Shakespeare had his anachronisms, but that’s pushing it.  As for the animals in my household, well, they’ll have to be satisfied with Tales of a Veterinary Spouse.  But my Seeking Delphi podcasts are indeed now on YouTube, as well as iTunes.  All the subscription links are below. Way below.  Below the embedded videos of the first three podcasts.   Sorry, no funny cat pictures–this stuff is too important to get flippant.  Our future depends on it.

 

Seeking Delphi YouTube Channel

 

Seeking Delphi on iTunes

 

 

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Cosmic Quote #75

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”–John F. Kennedy

 

And idiot chickens with jet packs is exactly what we will get if we keep electing those clueless to the implications of 21st century technology, and the change that comes with it.  If you care about a better future, be sure to follow my other blog–the futurist one–and the podcast that goes with it.    Seeking Delphi.

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