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5th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The 2017 NFL Draft

Note, this post occurs concurrently on The Blog of Funny Names.   I also blog and podcast on futurist topics at Seeking Delphi.

“They certainly give very strange names to diseases.”–Plato

These guys are all destined for something. Bacon, maybe?

Obviously, they didn’t have football in Plato’s day.  Maybe they had a funniest name in the ancient Olympics contest.  Of course, most of those names look funny to us today.

But why discuss the past when we have the funny names of the present?  It’s that time again–the time to honor (and ridicule) the funniest names in the 2017 NFL draft.  This year provides and interesting mix and a veritable embarrassment of riches–there are so many unusual and even bizarre first names, alone, we could almost conduct a separate poll for that.  Consider:  Praise, Amba, Salamo, Jehu, Cethan, JuJu, Budda, Takkarist, Taco, Cordrea, Tanoh, Phazan,  Amara, Fadol, Torrodney, Psalm, Pita and on and on and on.   Yes, there’s a Taco and a Pita.  I’m Hungry already.

As for last names, there are several that can only be described as a threat to your oral health if you try to pronounce them.  To simplify things–if that is even possible–I’ve also gone for alliteration, mellifluousness or straight out style points in choosing the finalists.  But write in votes are allowed and encouranged.  Jaquiski Tartt won on a write-in two years ago.  It was that double “t” that did it.   As per tradition, I’ll also tell what I think the name sounds like, if it didn’t belong to a football player.

 

 

Jake Butt, TE, Michigan–Talk about nominative determinism: a tight end named Butt.  Maybe you can make this stuff up; I sure can’t.  He was headed towards a first round selection until he tore his ACL in the Orange Bowl.  That’s OK, his butt is still intact.  He’ll probably go in the third round or so.  What I think his name sounds like: a longshoreman.

Cordrea Tankersly, CB, Clemson–Tankersly certainly scores low on the nominative determinism scale.   With a name like that, he should have been an offensive tackle.  That’s OK, he makes up for it by having one of the more mellifluous names in this year’s draft.  It kind of rolls off the tongue.  Hopefully the wide receivers won’t roll off his coverage.  What I think his name sounds like: a guy doing 7-10 years at Leavenworth.  

Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan–OK, so Taco is obviously a nickname.  His real name is Vidaunte, which is unusual but not nearly as poetic. Using a nickname certainly didn’t stop Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix from winning our 2014 poll.  So let’s go with Taco.  What I think his name sounds like: a cartoon spokesperson for the South of The Border restaurant chain.

Tanoh Kpassagnon, DE, Villanova–You might have to visit your dentist if you try to pronounce this guy’s name.   As he is 6’7″ 290lbs., you’ll be lucky if you have any teeth left if you piss him off.  According to the NFL draft pronunciation guide it’s  taw-no  pass-N-yo. No nominative determinism here.  With that pronunciation, he should either be a quarterback or an Indy car driver.   What I think his name sounds like:  somebody I’d be better off staying away from.

A non-football future for Cooper Kupp?

Cooper Kupp, WR, Eastern Washington–Proving that players from smaller schools can also hit the big time, in football and in funny names.  He also wins the nod for the best alliterative name this year.   What I think his name sounds like: a Texas ranger (the lawmen, not the baseball team).

Praise Martin-Oguike, LB, Temple–He’s is a long shot to get picked in the draft; it’s  more likely he’ll be signed as an undrafted free agent.  But I always like to include at least one double-barreled surname each year, and his is the best of the current crop.  And as for Praise , it has to be the most narcissistic moniker for an athlete since minor league baseball player Wonderful Terrific Monds.  What I think his name sounds like: a Baptist minister.

Honorable mention goes to all of the following–and you can write in any of them:  Budda Baker, Channing Stribling, Tau Lotulelai (Star’s brother), Leo Koloamanangi, Phazahn Odom, Obi Melinfanwu, Amba Etta-Tawo,  JuJu Schuster-Smith, Takkarist McKinley, Pita Taumoepenu and just about anyone and anything else you can spell or attempt to pronounce.  Vote as often as you like.  The polls close at noon EDT, Monday, May 1.

 

 

 

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Mark’s Neologisms #5

“I don’t know about you, but most of my exchanges with cashiers are not that meaningful.”–Jeff Bezos

Coupfusion–noun (koop•fu’•shun)

1. The to-do that occurs at a grocery checkout counter when a clueless customer or cashier can’t deal with expired coupons.

2. The irritation of being stuck on line behind such an occurrence

(Related  word: Scanfusion, noun,–a similar annoyance when a product’s UPC code won’t scan)

This calls to mind my late step-mother’s infatuation with restaurant coupons.  She just wouldn’t go out to eat without a coupon for some sort of discount.  I once observed that if the eatery was giving away free food, she still wouldn’t go if she didn’t have a coupon.  She didn’t disagree.

(Be sure to follow my more serious stuff at www.seekingdelphi.com)

 

 

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Cosmic Quote #81: Play Ball!

“Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamppost: for support, not illumination.”–Vin Scully

Non Sequitur

Ah, it’s that time of the year again.  And the statistical probability is that I will be distracted to no end.  But the baseball season won’t be quite the same without Vin Scully.  He started calling games the year I was born and that was–er, that was–damned if I’m telling.  Just watch the games and keep score.   (If you’re a blasphemer and don’t like baseball, try my other blog (and podcast) at www.seekingdelphi.com.

 

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Cosmic Quote #80

“Let’s make Donald Trump explain his hair.”–Ted Deutch

No comment.

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Seeking Delphi: 3D Printing Explosion: Cars,Boats, Homes, Even Human Bodies

Another highlight from my Seeking Delphi  blog and podcast.  You can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or YouTube or listen via the audio file embedded in each accompanying web page.

 

“Whatever good things we build end up building us.”– Jim Rohn

I can’t say for sure if the quote above was intended literally, but it is now becoming literally true.  The applications of additive manufacturing–better known as 3D printing–are expanding to include food, body parts, cars, and even entire buildings.  In this episode of the Seeking Delphi™  podcast, I talk with one of the gurus of this technology, Dr. Paul Tinari, of JOOM3D.com .  He’s working on a project the scope of which would have been unimaginable just a few years ago.

Links to relevant stories appear after the audio file and embedded YouTube video below.  A reminder that Seeking Delphi is available on iTunes, and has a channel on YouTube.  You can also follow us on Facebook.

Episode #7, Additive Manufacturing: We Are What We Print 21:07

(YouTube slideshow)

Paul Tinari Bio

Russian space agency recruiting cosmonauts for 2031 lunar landing mission

Ray Kurzweil revises his singularity forecast to 2029

The U.S. military seeks to “understand” its autonomous machines

Subscribe to Seeking Delphi on iTunes 

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow Seeking Delphi on Facebook @SeekingDelphi

Follow me on twitter @MarkSackler

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Seeking Delphi: The Abolition of Aging, Part 1

Note: In a shameless act of self promotion, I will occasionally share posts from my futurist blog/podcast Seeking Delphi on this site.  Today’s post is a reblog of the first podcast episode, originally aired in last January, on one of the most controversial topics facing futurists–and humanity–today.

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”–Woody Allen

In episode one of Seeking Delphi, the podcast, I talk with David Wood, chair of  London Futurists, about his book The Abolition of Aging. Relevant links to this weeks’ show below the audio track.  This is part 1 of a two part program.  This week: can we do it?  Next week: Should we do it, and if we do it, what are the implications?  These podcasts are now available for subscription on YouTube and  iTunes.

David Wood

Episode #1: The Abolition of Aging, Part 1;  running time 26:9

David Wood bio

The Abolition of Aging by David Wood

Immortality by Dr. Ben Bova

Chinese exoscale computer

5G 2035 Economic Forecast

Airbus Flying Cars

Follow me on twitter @MarkSackler

Follow Seeking Delphi on Facebook @SeekingDelphi

Connect with me on LinkedIn Mark Sackler

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Cosmic Quote #79

“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”–Will Rogers

Here’s a hint.  You can’t fix stupid with stupider. Maybe the biotech industry can come up with a solution.  But then, who am I to argue with Will Rogers?

You can check out my lame attempts to make the world a little less “stupider” on my futurist blog (and accompanying podcast) Seeking Delphi.

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Cosmic Quote #78

“Don’t let the same dog bite you twice.”–Chuck Berry

Unfortunately, the Grim Reaper has bitten us multiple times in the past year.  So many of my heroes gone. John Glen.  Yogi Berra.  Alvin Toffler.  Arnold Palmer.   And now, one of the indisputable greats of original American Music.  I’d let that dog bite me three times if it would bring all these icons back.

 

If the future of the human race concerns you, be sure to check out my other blog–and podcast to go with it–at www.seekingdelphi.com.

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(Frozen) Cosmic Quote #77-3.0

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”–Jeff Valdez

Jeff Valdez obviously doesn’t know our dogs.  We can hardly get them to go outside to do their business when it snows.  Pull a sled? Hah! We used to have a nasty little Spitz named Miles.  The Spitz is also sometimes known as The American Eskimo Dog.  Miles was having none of it.  We literally had to pick him up and throw him outside when it snowed.  Dogs are smarter than you think.

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(Frozen) Cosmic Quote #77-2.0

“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”–Carl Reiner

Call me freezing.  A few minutes ago–never mind how many exactly–having no life at home and little to keep me in the house, I thought I would set out and see the snowy part of the world.  That lasted exactly 15 seconds.  Home Sweet (and warm) Home.  This weather sucks.  Stay inside, my friends.

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