post

Cosmic Quote #92

“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anyone tell you different.”–Kurt Vonnegut

I always knew Kurt Vonnegut was a class guy.  As for the kid in the cartoon? I think that’s an 8-year-old Benny Hill.

post

Cosmic Quote #91

“Have you ever noticed you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.”–George Carlin

Or in my house, because all our dogs are on the bed.  Drive safely and enjoy your turkey.

post

Cosmic Quote #90

“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”–Woody Allen

On the other hand, if you’re failing all the time, it’s a sign you’ll probably get re-elected.  And they say banker’s hours are easy.

post

Mark’s Neologisms #8

“Words empty as the wind are best left unsaid.”–Homer

Ah, my dear Homer, a good sentiment.  But what if those empty words are absurdly hysterical?  It will take more than a dead Greek poet to stop me.

Everything is being done with Artificial Intelligence these days, some of it profound, some of it scary, and some of it downright ridiculous.  You’d know this if  you followed my Seeking Delphi™ podcasts and blog.  AI is being used  for early disease diagnosis, protection of the power grid, and facial recognition to catch criminals and secure our cell phones.  But it’s also being used for some pretty silly things, too.  How about a sex robot that tells jokes, or a robodog that sniffs your feet and passes out if they stink?

This brings me to the latest effort in the Mark’s Neologisms series.  I didn’t invent the terms below.  An AI program devised by Colorado researcher Janelle Shane was programmed to create convincing sounding disease names.  The results were, well, both hilarious and alarming.  But here’s the thing–it only created the names.  So in the great tradition of my sicko mind, here are some of my favorites from the list, with the actual definition of the malady added by yours truly.

Sexursoma Ear–The Latin name for hickey of the ear.

Joint Pseudomalabia–Inflammation of a prosthetic joint

Ear Poop–A side effect gotten from listening to political speeches.

Teenagerna Vain Syndrome–Well, that’s obvious.

Catdullitis–An affliction that causes pet owners to prefer dogs.

Ankle Bladders–Caused by severe gout

Seal Breath–Not fatal if you  have it, but possibly fatal if the person next to you has it.

Testicle Behavior–A mythical condition never afflicting heterosexual males.

Eye Stools–A pandemic caused by televising  political debates.

Hoot Injury–A bruise or contusion obtained when bumped into by a Hooters waitress.

Vertical Hemoglobin Fever–What most residents of Colorado, Alaska, Washington DC and other locales suffer from since the legalization of pot.

Cold Glock Allergy–An aversion to being held at point blank range.

Some of the names were so ridiculous I couldn’t begin to define them.  A few of the most bizarre are listed below. See if you can come up with something for any of the following.

Mardial Denection 

Gumpetic Surpical Escesion

 Vertical Pasocapheration Syndrome 

Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear

Milk Tomosis     Black Bote Headache     Excessive Woot Sweating 

Stumm Complication     8 Poop     Herpangitis

Wamble Submoration      Osteomaroxism     

 Bacterial Fladular Syndrome              Asteophyterdimentricular Aneurism       

 If nothing else, these are sure to make The Blog of Funny Names     

post

Mark’s Neologisms #7

 “Today’s kids aren’t taking up arms against their parents; they’re too busy texting them.”–Nancy Gibbs

textuate–verb

1. The highly annoying use of texting abbreviations and emoticons in other forms of written and verbal communications.   He is always textuating when he talks to me.

2. The tendency of all communication to devolve into texting

Don’t u just hate that? OMG, me 2! GMTA! I’d tell you just exactly where this burns me up, but that would be TMI.  C U later. 😛

 

post

Mark’s Neologisms #6

“A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.”–Carrie Snow

 sporadiclunk–noun

1. An unnerving sporadic clunk, rattle, hum, buzz or other unnatural sound that may emanate from your car at any time–except when it’s in the repair shop.

2. Any such malady in any other piece of equipment that doesn’t occur when you take it in for repair.  May also include health or dental issues that disappear as soon as you go to the doctor or dentist.

 

I can just sense you nodding your head in agreement.  If you hear a rattle when you do that, go see a neurologist and hope it doesn’t go away when you get there. (The rattle, not your head. Well, OK, your head, too.).

post

5th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The 2017 NFL Draft

Note, this post occurs concurrently on The Blog of Funny Names.   I also blog and podcast on futurist topics at Seeking Delphi.

Voting is closed.  Jake Butt is the official winner of the 2017 Funniest Names In The NFL Draft Poll.

“They certainly give very strange names to diseases.”–Plato

These guys are all destined for something. Bacon, maybe?

Obviously, they didn’t have football in Plato’s day.  Maybe they had a funniest name in the ancient Olympics contest.  Of course, most of those names look funny to us today.

But why discuss the past when we have the funny names of the present?  It’s that time again–the time to honor (and ridicule) the funniest names in the 2017 NFL draft.  This year provides an interesting mix and a veritable embarrassment of riches–there are so many unusual and even bizarre first names, alone, we could almost conduct a separate poll for that.  Consider:  Praise, Amba, Salamo, Jehu, Cethan, JuJu, Budda, Takkarist, Taco, Cordrea, Tanoh, Phazan,  Amara, Fadol, Torrodney, Psalm, Pita and on and on and on.   Yes, there’s a Taco and a Pita.  I’m hungry already.

As for last names, there are several that can only be described as a threat to your oral health if you try to pronounce them.  To simplify things–if that is even possible–I’ve also gone for alliteration, mellifluousness or straight out style points in choosing the finalists.  But write in votes are allowed and encouranged.  Jaquiski Tartt won on a write-in two years ago.  It was that double “t” that did it.   As per tradition, I’ll also tell what I think the name sounds like, if it didn’t belong to a football player.

 

 

Jake Butt, TE, Michigan–Talk about nominative determinism: a tight end named Butt.  Maybe you can make this stuff up; I sure can’t.  He was headed towards a first round selection until he tore his ACL in the Orange Bowl.  That’s OK, his butt is still intact.  He’ll probably go in the third round or so.  What I think his name sounds like: a longshoreman.

Cordrea Tankersly, CB, Clemson–Tankersly certainly scores low on the nominative determinism scale.   With a name like that, he should have been an offensive tackle.  That’s OK, he makes up for it by having one of the more mellifluous names in this year’s draft.  It kind of rolls off the tongue.  Hopefully the wide receivers won’t roll off his coverage.  What I think his name sounds like: a hog farmer from Kansas.

Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan–OK, so Taco is obviously a nickname.  His real name is Vidaunte, which is unusual but not nearly as poetic. Using a nickname certainly didn’t stop Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix from winning our 2014 poll.  So let’s go with Taco.  What I think his name sounds like: a cartoon spokesperson for the South of The Border restaurant chain.

Tanoh Kpassagnon, DE, Villanova–You might have to visit your dentist if you try to pronounce this guy’s name.   As he is 6’7″ 290lbs., you’ll be lucky if you have any teeth left if you piss him off.  According to the NFL draft pronunciation guide it’s  taw-no  pass-N-yo. No nominative determinism here.  With that pronunciation, he should either be a quarterback or an Indy car driver.   What I think his name sounds like:  a character in a Voltaire play.

A non-football future for Cooper Kupp?

Cooper Kupp, WR, Eastern Washington–Proving that players from smaller schools can also hit the big time, in football and in funny names.  He also wins the nod for the best alliterative name this year.   What I think his name sounds like: a Texas ranger (the lawmen, not the baseball team).

Praise Martin-Oguike, LB, Temple–He’s a long shot to get picked in the draft; it’s  more likely he’ll be signed as an undrafted free agent.  But I always like to include at least one double-barreled surname each year, and his is the best of the current crop.  And as for Praise , it has to be the most narcissistic moniker for an athlete since minor league baseball player Wonderful Terrific Monds.  What I think his name sounds like: a Baptist minister.

Honorable mention goes to all of the following–and you can write in any of them:  Budda Baker, Channing Stribling, Tau Lotulelai (Star’s brother), Leo Koloamanangi, Phazahn Odom, Obi Melinfanwu, Amba Etta-Tawo,  JuJu Schuster-Smith, Takkarist McKinley, Pita Taumoepenu and just about anyone and anything else you can spell or attempt to pronounce.  Vote as often as you like.  The polls close at noon EDT, Monday, May 1.

UPDATE, 8:51 AM,EDT, Friday, April 28. 

Upon discovery that the O.J. in O.J. Howard (Alabama, TE) stands for O’Terrius Jabari, a late write-in campaign has been launched.  Just use OJ Howard in the write-in blank, lest your fingers cramp from typing the whole name.  What I think the name sounds like?  How about an Irish wookie in Star Wars XIV.

UPDATE 9:57 AM, EDT, Saturday, April 29.

O’Terrius Jabari Howard has been added as a voting option.

 

 

post

Mark’s Neologisms #5

“I don’t know about you, but most of my exchanges with cashiers are not that meaningful.”–Jeff Bezos

Coupfusion–noun (koop•fu’•shun)

1. The to-do that occurs at a grocery checkout counter when a clueless customer or cashier can’t deal with expired coupons.

2. The irritation of being stuck on line behind such an occurrence

(Related  word: Scanfusion, noun,–a similar annoyance when a product’s UPC code won’t scan)

This calls to mind my late step-mother’s infatuation with restaurant coupons.  She just wouldn’t go out to eat without a coupon for some sort of discount.  I once observed that if the eatery was giving away free food, she still wouldn’t go if she didn’t have a coupon.  She didn’t disagree.

(Be sure to follow my more serious stuff at www.seekingdelphi.com)

 

 

post

(Frozen) Cosmic Quote #77

“Eskimos had over two hundred different words for snow, without which their conversation would probably have got very monotonous. So they would distinguish between thin snow and thick snow, light snow and heavy snow, sludgy snow, brittle snow, snow that came in flurries, snow that came in drifts, snow that came in on the bottom of your neighbor’s boots all over your nice clean igloo floor, the snows of winter, the snows of spring, the snows you remember from your childhood that were so much better than any of your modern snow, fine snow, feathery snow, hill snow, valley snow, snow that falls in the morning, snow that falls at night, snow that falls all of a sudden just when you were going out fishing, and snow that despite all your efforts to train them, the huskies have pissed on.”–Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers guide to The Galaxy

It’s going to be a long Tuesday

Here in New England we have only one noun for snow.  But boy, do we have adjectives. Lot’s of adjectives.  Lots of unprintable adjectives. Shit, I hate snow.   (If you’re snowed in and hard up for diversion, listen to my podcasts at www.seekingdelphi.com)


 

post

Cosmic Quote #70

“Ninety per cent of politicians give the other ten per cent a bad name.”–Henry Kissinger

You are what you eat.  You get what you vote for.  This is my only political post of the entire year,  so get your fill now.  Next question?

%d bloggers like this: