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Cosmic Quote #86

“If it turns out that there IS a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”–Woody Allen in ‘Love and Death.’

And, as Woody also said: “There is no question there is an unseen world.   The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?”  Anyway, if relativity, evolution and carbon dating aren’t enough to convince you creationism is bunk, consider this.  Even god couldn’t screw humanity up this bad in just 6,000 years.  (Boy am I gonna get hate mail)

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Cosmic Quote #61

“To you, I’m an atheist.  To god, I’m the loyal opposition.”–Woody Allen

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”–George Carlin

priestsI must admit, golf was once my religion.  Now I’m a non-theistic existentialist, though I still occasionally play around–er, I mean a round.

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Cosmic Quote#56

“Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends.” — Woody Allen

Osteen memeI have a hunch this guy has no trouble getting a plumber.

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Cosmic Quote #53

“I believe we exist in a multiverse of universes.”–Michio Kaku

“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”–Woody Allen

That's where they go!  www.cartoonstock.com

That’s where they go! http://www.cartoonstock.com

Per my usual modus operandi, I revere both those that try to understand the universe, and those that poke fun at them.   JBS Haldane famously said that the universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it’s stranger than we can imagine.  I’ll try to make some more sense of the whole “multiverse” idea in Millennium Conjecture #6,  though I can’t say how soon that will appear in this particular universe.  I’m still trying to find my way out of Chinatown.

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Time Way Out: The Jug Handle State

“I believe that there’s an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.”–Woody Allen

This is a summer rerun.   It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I’m in the midst of three days stuck in the so called “Garden State” on business, and I thought, “why shouldn’t I share the pain?”

The unintelligent part of Jersey.

The unintelligent part of Jersey.

I have spent the lion’s share of my adult life working in the pharmaceutical industry.   To be precise, I sell goods and services to pharmaceutical companies.  This is a difficult profession, for it entails enduring one of the most hair raising trials-by-fire in any known line of of work.

I have to drive in New Jersey. 

Unfortunately, due to the high concentration of  pharma companies in the so-called Garden State, I have to drive there often.  At least, I try to.  I sometimes think it would be easier to run in quicksand.  It has taken me 15 minutes, on one occasion, just to cross the street.  I have been 20 minutes late in getting to a location less than a mile away–not because there was a lot of traffic–but because I was pointed the wrong way on Route 22 and the nearest jug handle turnaround was three miles and seven traffic lights in the wrong direction.

It all started away back in the mid-1980’s.  I was driving for the first time to Sandoz in East Hanover.  As I approached my target on Route 10 from the west, there majestically high on hill to my right towered a high-rise with large block letters S-A-N-D-O-Z emblazoned across the top floor.  Brilliant!  I found it and I was on time.  I drove past an intersection, turned right into a parking lot and pulled up to a security gate to register for my sales appointment.

“Sorry sir, this is the service entrance, you need to go to the visitors center at the main gate.”

“Huh? Where’s that?”

The guard pointed to the intersection that I had just passed.  No problem, I was 10 minutes early for my appointment.   All I needed to do was pull out of the security area and turn left.  There was just one problem.  Between me and the traffic going in the other direction was something that looked like the Berlin Wall–complete with barbed wire and machine gun turrets.  It was then that I learned about jug handle turns.  You see, New Jersey has it’s own laws of physics.  In New Jersey, you have to turn right to turn left.  Understanding quantum mechanics is easy compared to understanding traffic patterns in New Jersey.

So I continued in the wrong direction on route 10 until I came to the first jug handle turn; I think this was somewhere near Bangor, Maine.  I came back to the original intersection I had missed, only to find there was no left turn allowed there, either.  This required me to go to the next jug handle, just outside of Allentown, PA.  Needless to say, I was late for my appointment.

It all boils down to this.  Other states have freeways, expressways and thruways; in New Jersey they have no-ways. Once you get on, there is no way to get off.  You have to drive to Delaware to turn around.**    There is one good thing about all of this, though. Here where I live in Connecticut, all the country roads in the woods can be confusing, particularly at night.  In a strange area it is easy to drive around in circles if you don’t have a GPS.   But in New Jersey, you don’t need a GPS to know you have gone wrong.  When you miss your turn in Jersey your whole life starts passing in front of you.   By now I have lived more lives than a cat.

**This literally did happen to me once, though it was actually in southeastern Pennsylvania, which has obviously been mapped out by the same civil engineers that designed New Jersey.  I was on a limited access connecting road and missed my exit.  In order to turn around, I had to drive six miles to the end of the connector–which was in Delaware!

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Time Way Out: The Jug Handle State

“I believe that there’s an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.”–Woody Allen

The unintelligent part of Jersey.

The unintelligent part of Jersey.

I have spent the lion’s share of my adult life working in the pharmaceutical industry.   To be precise, I sell goods and services to pharmaceutical companies.  This is a difficult profession, for it entails enduring one of the most hair raising trials-by-fire in any known line of of work.

I have to drive in New Jersey. 

Unfortunately, due to the high concentration of  pharma companies in the so-called Garden State, I have to drive there often.  At least, I try to.  I sometimes think it would be easier to run in quicksand.  It has taken me 15 minutes, on one occasion, just to cross the street.  I have been 20 minutes late in getting to a location less than a mile away–not because there was a lot of traffic–but because I was pointed the wrong way on Route 22 and the nearest jug handle turnaround was three miles and seven traffic lights in the wrong direction.

It all started away back in the mid-1980’s.  I was driving for the first time to Sandoz in East Hanover.  As I approached my target on Route 10 from the west, there majestically high on hill to my right towered a high-rise with large block letters S-A-N-D-O-Z emblazoned across the top floor.  Brilliant!  I found it and I was on time.  I drove past an intersection, turned right into a parking lot and pulled up to a security gate to register for my sales appointment.

“Sorry sir, this is the service entrance, you need to go to the visitors center at the main gate.”

“Huh? Where’s that?”

The guard pointed to the intersection that I had just passed.  No problem, I was 10 minutes early for my appointment.   All I needed to do was pull out of the security area and turn left.  There was just one problem.  Between me and the traffic going in the other direction was something that looked like the Berlin Wall–complete with barbed wire and machine gun turrets.  It was then that I learned about jug handle turns.  You see, New Jersey has it’s own laws of physics.  In New Jersey, you have to turn right to turn left.  Understanding quantum mechanics is easy compared to understanding traffic patterns in New Jersey.

So I continued in the wrong direction on route 10 until I came to the first jug handle turn; I think this was somewhere near Bangor, Maine.  I came back to the original intersection I had missed, only to find there was no left turn allowed there, either.  This required me to go to the next jug handle, just outside of Allentown, PA.  Needless to say, I was late for my appointment.

It all boils down to this.  Other states have freeways, expressways and thruways; in New Jersey they have no-ways. Once you get on, there is no way to get off.  You have to drive to Delaware to turn around.**    There is one good thing about all of this, though. Here where I live in Connecticut, all the country roads in the woods can be confusing, particularly at night.  In a strange area it is easy to drive around in circles if you don’t have a GPS.   But in New Jersey, you don’t need a GPS to know you have gone wrong.  When you miss your turn in Jersey your whole life starts passing in front of you.   By now I have lived more lives than a cat.

**This literally did happen to me once, though it was actually in southeastern Pennsylvania, which has obviously been mapped out by the same civil engineers that designed New Jersey.  I was on a limited access connecting road and missed my exit.  In order to turn around, I had to drive six miles to the end of the connector–which was in Delaware!

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Cosmic Quote #30

“In my next life, I want to live backwards: start out dead ….and finish as an orgasm.”–Woody Allen

I just had to put up another Woody quote after my last post.  Can you just imagine what Benjamin Button would have been like if Woody filmed it (or wrote it originally!).

OK, enough distraction; conjecture #5 is coming next.  I promise.

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Photo Op #7–Halloweirdos

“I haven’t seen my analyst in 200 years.  If I had been going all this time, I’d probably be cured by now.”–Woody Allen, as Miles Monroe, in Sleeper.

“We should have had sex, but there weren’t enough people.”–Diane Keaton, as Luna Schlosser, in Sleeper.

Halloween does bring out the weirdos.  In this case me, emulating one of my favorite personages to quote, and my better half.  The characters are from the Woody Allen 1973 classic, Sleeper, which in my estimation is one of the funniest movies ever made.  His comic genius reached an apex with great gags, including the orb, the orgasmatron and the discovery of a 200 year old Volkswagen Beetle that started up on the first try.

We'll get stoned with the orb.  We would have brought the orgasmatron to the party but it wouldn't fit in the car.

We’ll get stoned with the orb. We would have brought the orgasmatron, but it wouldn’t fit in the car.

Gimme that!

Gimme that!  (Don’t we look just like Diane and Woody?)

The original orgsasmatron.  Woohoo!

The original orgsasmatron. Woohoo!

The original Woody!

The original Woody!

.

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Cosmic Quote #27

“Photons have mass?  I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”–Woody Allen

photonI’m pretty sure they aren’t Catholic even if they do have mass.  Einstein was right anyway, no mass moves at the speed of light.  Stay tuned, you might even see some real science soon.  (If you don’t get the gag to the left, go back and review the entire Quantum Weirdness series.)

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Cosmic Quote(s) #16// Summer Rerun

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my works. I want to achieve it through not dying.”–Woody Allen

“I’m very pleased to be here.  Lets face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.”–George Burns

I’ve had enough of it for now.  I’m calling a moratorium on in memoriam memeranda, momentarily.   (Try saying that five times fast.)  So if you are planning on dying, please have the courtesy to hold off for at least a few weeks.  My attention now turns back to the living, at least while I’m still breathing.

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