A Blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime, by Mark Sackler
“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”–Hunter S. Thompson
And when their names get weird–or funny–they go in the first round of the NFL draft. Just ask Barkevious Mingo, Jadeveon Clowney, and Ha-Ha Clinton Dix. They were all first rounders, and all top performers in the annual poll of funniest names in the NFL draft. Oh, yeah. Don’t forget: the 6th annual edition of that venerated tradition will appear on Monday of next week. Same time, same channel.
“Words empty as the wind are best left unsaid.”–Homer
Ah, my dear Homer, a good sentiment. But what if those empty words are absurdly hysterical? It will take more than a dead Greek poet to stop me.
Everything is being done with Artificial Intelligence these days, some of it profound, some of it scary, and some of it downright ridiculous. You’d know this if you followed my Seeking Delphi™ podcasts and blog. AI is being used for early disease diagnosis, protection of the power grid, and facial recognition to catch criminals and secure our cell phones. But it’s also being used for some pretty silly things, too. How about a sex robot that tells jokes, or a robodog that sniffs your feet and passes out if they stink?
This brings me to the latest effort in the Mark’s Neologisms series. I didn’t invent the terms below. An AI program devised by Colorado researcher Janelle Shane was programmed to create convincing sounding disease names. The results were, well, both hilarious and alarming. But here’s the thing–it only created the names. So in the great tradition of my sicko mind, here are some of my favorites from the list, with the actual definition of the malady added by yours truly.
Sexursoma Ear–The Latin name for hickey of the ear.
Joint Pseudomalabia–Inflammation of a prosthetic joint
Ear Poop–A side effect gotten from listening to political speeches.
Teenagerna Vain Syndrome–Well, that’s obvious.
Catdullitis–An affliction that causes pet owners to prefer dogs.
Ankle Bladders–Caused by severe gout
Seal Breath–Not fatal if you have it, but possibly fatal if the person next to you has it.
Testicle Behavior–A mythical condition never afflicting heterosexual males.
Eye Stools–A pandemic caused by televising political debates.
Hoot Injury–A bruise or contusion obtained when bumped into by a Hooters waitress.
Vertical Hemoglobin Fever–What most residents of Colorado, Alaska, Washington DC and other locales suffer from since the legalization of pot.
Cold Glock Allergy–An aversion to being held at point blank range.
Some of the names were so ridiculous I couldn’t begin to define them. A few of the most bizarre are listed below. See if you can come up with something for any of the following.
Mardial Denection
Gumpetic Surpical Escesion
Vertical Pasocapheration Syndrome
Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear
Milk Tomosis Black Bote Headache Excessive Woot Sweating
Stumm Complication 8 Poop Herpangitis
Wamble Submoration Osteomaroxism
Bacterial Fladular Syndrome Asteophyterdimentricular Aneurism
If nothing else, these are sure to make The Blog of Funny Names
Note: This post previously appeared on The Blog of Funny Names
“Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row.”–Vitas Gerulaitis when he finally beat Jimmy Connors after losing to him 16 straight times.
Here at The Blog of Funny Names, we’ve always had a fascination with people who have two last names. Outerbridge Horsey is the classic. Then of course, there are those that have two first names–like the eponymous Tommy John.
Taylor Harry Fritz.
But seldom have we come across somebody whose name appears to be backwards. But that would seem to be the case with rising 18-year-old American tennis star, Taylor Harry Fritz. If his name was Fritz Harry Taylor, we wouldn’t consider feting him in these hallowed pages. Or Harry Fritz Taylor, or even Harry Taylor Fritz. It’s as if the names were picked out of a hat to come in that order.
But that aside, the tennis world is not laughing; especially the American tennis world. No American man has won a major tennis tournament since Andy Roddick won the US Open in 2003. No American man has even made the quarter finals of a major since Roddick, Mardy Fish (a great funny name as well) and John Isner all did it in 2011. There is currently no American man ranked higher than #17 in the world (Isner)
However you order his names, Taylor Fritz may just be the guy to change all that. He won the 2015 junior boys title at the US Open and finished the year as the top ranked junior in the world. And after turning pro in 2016? He won his first ATP tour title, qualified for the Australian Open, and has jumped to #65 in the world from a ranking in the 600’s in just a few months. He is the youngest player currently in the top 100. Last week at a tournament in Stuttgart, Germany, he got a real taste of the big time, meeting all–time great Roger Federer in the second round. He lost, but gave Federer a run for his money at 4-6, 7-5, 4-6. I don’t know if Federer will be around long enough for Fritz to play him 17 times, but I’d bet he won’t need that many to beat him. And that goes no matter what order you say his names in.
As for me, if you’re tired of this blog, you can go to my new, second blog, Seeking Delphi, and mock me there.
Cheers,
Note: this post appeared recently under a different title on The Blog of Funny Names
“Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”–Groucho Marx
The Inimitable Groucho
Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was not only one of the funniest men to ever live, he also played some of the funniest named characters in American movie history. It’s also notable (at least to me) that he is the “ridiculous” part of the inspiration in the name of this blog (The Millennium Conjectures: A blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime). And by the way, the “sublime” half of the inspiration is one Mohandas K. Gandhi (October 2, 1869-January 30, 1948). The point? Well, take a close look and you will see one similarity. They share the same birthday, October 2, which just happens to be my birthday–if many years later.
But I digress. While Groucho’s name may only be somewhat funny, many of the character names he played in a slew of classic Marx Brothers movies were over the top funny. Here are just a few of them, in chronological order.
” I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. “–Groucho Marx in Horsefeathers.
While Groucho’s first truly iconic role was that of Captain Jeffrey Spaulding in 1930’s Animal Crackers, Wagstaff was his first funny-named character. But believe me, in that department he was just getting started.
“Go, and never darken my towels again.”–Groucho Marx in Duck Soup.
While originally opening to mixed reviews, perhaps due to its then already dated World War I era political satire, Duck Soup has since become regarded as a classic and comedic masterpiece and was named to the American Film Institute’s list of the top 100 films of the 20th century. One critic said “love the comedy and ignore the plot.” No kidding. Caring about the plot of a Marx Brothers movie is like caring about the frame on a Picasso.
“And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.”–Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera
Another classic which was also named to AFI’s top 100 American Films of the 20th century. It just happens to also include what I consider the funniest scene of slapstick comedy ever made. (See below).
I’d laugh even harder, but the last cruise I went on, my own cabin was about that size.
“I have a confession to make. I’m a horse doctor. But marry me and I’ll never look at another horse.”–Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races
As suggested by the quote above, Groucho plays a veterinarian of dubious skills in this flick. I always think of the character name as being Dr. Quackenbush. And as my wife happens to be a veterinarian, I laugh doubly hard. Hey, if I can laugh at myself, I can laugh at my wife, too.
“I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.” Groucho Marx in At the Circus
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that, with that name, Groucho’s character in this one was a lawyer. It wasn’t the best of the Marx Brothers’ movies, but produced one of the most iconic musical numbers from their oeuvre, Lydia the Tattooed Lady.
That’s just a sampling, but if you don’t like these, well, he has others!
Note: This post appeared yesterday under a different name on The Blog of Funny Names
“Awards do not pay the mortgage.”–Kevin Chamberlin
I’m taking a poll. All those who don’t agree with the above quote, send me $100. Let’s prove it wrong.
Now, let’s get down to business. 2014 may be over, but the awards season for its achievements is just beginning. Not to be outdone, let’s be the first to throw out meaningless accolades in the new year, with the second annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards, honoring the best of the past year’s funny names previously covered in these pages. Yes, we do consider it an honor. By the way, due to numerous complaints from readers, we have dropped last year’s requirement that you be wearing a tuxedo or evening gown when you read this post. But please, no tank tops or bare feet; and if you do chose formal attire, wearing both a tuxedo and an evening gown at the same time would be awesome!
It’s going to be tough to outdo last year’s winners. How do you top the likes of 2013 Funny-Named Athlete of the Year, Barkevious Mingo and 2013 Funny Name in the News of the Year, Janice “Lokelani” Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele? The latter should also win a special achievement award as the longest name ever presented herein–or maybe anywhere else for that matter. Anyway, we may not be able to top them, but let’s give it a go.
Two of these will be awarded for Englebert Humperdinck. Sadly, this still doesn’t make a whole horse.
We’ll start with a bit of nostalgia and bestow the 2014 Funny-named Entertainer of the Year on Engelbert Humperdinck. Both of them! The cheesy 1960’s and 70’s British pop singer and the not-quite-as-cheesy 19th century German opera composer. British Englebert had a number of top 40 hits back in the day, the first and biggest of which, Release Me, peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in April of 1967. German Englebert composed any number of forgotten hodge-podges, but had one smashing success, Hänsel und Gretel, which premiered in 1893 under the baton of one Richard Strauss. It has held down the #1 spot on the Fairy Tale-Themed Opera hit parade for most of the 120+ years since. Oh, he also had a cheesy pop singer copy his name. Our correspondent Kerbey originally profiled the British Engelbert back in April of last year, and included a shout out to the late German composer.
Next up is the 2014 Funny Named Athlete of the Year award, and the field of nominees is a crowded one. With the likes of World Series MVP and Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Madison Bumgarner, Funniest Names in the NFL Draft poll runner-up Jadaveon Clowney, Minor League Baseball Moniker Madness runner-up Joey Pankake, and probable NFL Offensive Rookie-of-the-Year Odell Beckham, Jr. all in the running, it’s going to be hard to pick a winner. But since we have to, the envelope please!
And the winner is….none of the above, because there is just no way we can deny our readers’ wishes. The winner is the 2014 Funniest Name in the NFL Draft poll champion Ha-Ha Clinton Dix. He was not chosen as early in the NFL draft as Clowney and did not have as great a rookie year as Beckham, Jr. But he sure led the league in bad jokes on his name.
Next, we move on to Funny-Named Politician of the Year. I was very tempted to delve into the realm of nostalgia again, and award posthumous trophies to two classics I profiled back in July: Harry Baals and Wankard Pooser. But those names are in such an elite class of their own, it seems almost unfair to award them Horseys. So instead, we’ll actually name this award after them, and give the 2014 Wankard–Baals Award for the funniest name in politics to one Zephyr Rains Teachout. Profiled by Arto back in September, Ms. Teachout had the audacity to challenge the unfunny-named, but very powerful Andrew Cuomo, for the New York Democratic gubernatorial nomination. She lost; but she won our hearts. Being that she is a professor of constitutional law–a teacher!–at the Vermont School of Law, we need to create another new honor for actually being her name. Let’s call it the Major Major Major Major Aptly-Named Award. Too bad she doesn’t look like Henry Fonda; the image below could have been her campaign poster.
He’s not Major Major Major Major, but he sure looks like him.
Moving on to the 2014 Funniest Name in the News Award, we have a dilemma. Nothing could possibly top the aforementioned 2013 winner, Janice K. We have limited storage space on WordPress, so we can only spell out her name so many times, even though the abbreviation makes her appear to be the sister of Joseph K., from Kafka’s The Trial. And again, space limitations prevent us from naming the award after her. So let’s be brief. The winner this year is pop singer Iggy Azalea, for repeated news mentions mainly due to legal problems and for having a name that sounds more like a coniferous evergreen than an actual person. She was first covered here in a Funny Names in the News post in August. Hopefully this will be her last mention.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for–well, I’ve been waiting for it because my hands are cramping up from all this typing–the ultimate award, The 2014 Funny-Named Person of the Year.
May we have a drum roll please. Ratattattat
And now a trumpet fanfare. Tarantara
And finally, one stupendous, ear-splitting volley of flatulence! Pffffffffffttttttttttttt!
And if that introduction did not clue you in to the identity of the winner, you clearly have not been reading this blog very closely. Because, yes, our winner is the man who famously described his own name as sounding like “a fart in a bathtub,” the irrepressible British actor Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s been nominated for both an Emmy as best actor for his portrayal of the title character in the BBC TV series Sherlock, and for a Golden Globe as best actor for his portrayal of Alan Turing in The Imitation Game. He’ll almost certainly get an Oscar nomination for the latter role, as well. But he doesn’t have to wait to actually win an award. He’s got one now. So let’s give him a big round of applause and drown out all that flatulence. Or at least the sound of it.
Benedict Cumberbatch, Funny-Named Person of the Year. Only his name is flatulent.
Check out the insanity on my own blog here, and have a happy and prosperous 2015
Cheers,
Note: This post runs concurrently under a different name on The Blog of Funny Names
“Every time I sign a ball I thank my lucky stars I wasn’t born Covelski or Wambgnass or Peckingpaugh”–Mel Ott
Mel Ott, looking as if he just tried to sign his name “Wambgnass.”
Ol’ Mr. Ott may be happy for not being any of the names above, but he never would have won the annual minor league baseball Moniker Madness competition with his name. He may be a 500-home run Hall-of-Famer, but we at The Blog of Funny Names march to a different drummer. We’d sooner idolize the likes of past Moniker Madness winners, like Rock Shoulders, Will Startup and Sicnarf Loospstok, the latter of whom was aided by some late ballot-stuffing by the BOFN staff to win last year’s contest. This year, another 75 amazing and ridiculous names are in the running–you can cast your official vote on the office Minor League Baseball Moniker Madness site through Thursday.
But the poll that really counts is the one we run, where we let our readers select their favorites. Five of the current top 10 in the standings are profiled below–you can vote for your choice at the bottom of the page.
But first, something completely different. I can’t help but mention that some of this year’s names seem to fall into some distinct categories–divisions, if you will. These divisions are:
The “Have Baseballs, Will Travel” division, including Tommy Toledo, Montana DuRapau and Montreal Robertson; The “What’s on the Menu” division, starring Mark Hamburger, Joey Pankake and Renzo Martini; the “I’m Masquerading as a Celebrity” division, with Burt Reynolds and Joan Baez; and the “With a Name Like This, I Should Have Been a Porn Star,” division comprised of Steel Russell, Brock Dyxhoorn and Kieran Lovegrove.
OK, that’s out of my system. Now, here are the five BOFN nominees you can vote for on this page–all of them are in the top 10 in the Moniker Madness standings as of this writing. As per last year, I’ll play my favorite name game, which is speculating what these names sound like their owners should have been if they weren’t baseball players.
Brooks Pounders–Who he is: a journeyman minor league pitcher in the KC Royals organization. With a name like that, you’d figure he’d be pounding the strike zone, and he has averaged slightly less than 3 walks per nine innings in his 6 year career. Unfortunately, he’s still in A ball, three levels below MLB. Who I think his name sounds like? The IBO Cruiserweight boxing champion of the world.
Venn Biter–Who his is: a 2013 outfield draft choice by the Phillies, currently laboring in the Gulf Coast Rookie League. Who I think his name sounds like? Count Dracula’s nephew.
Tommy Toledo–Who he is: a pitcher in The Milwaukee Brewers organization. Who I think his name sounds like? President of the Longshoremen, local #4127.
Damien Magnifico–Who he is: another Brewers pitcher–an embarrassment of funny names for the Brew Crew. Who I think his name sounds like? The Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
No, this is not Joey Pankake
Joey Pankake–Who he is: a 2014 7th round draft choice of the Detroit Tigers, playing right here in Connecticut in the NY-Penn League. Who I think his name sounds like? A less than successful mafia hit man from Brooklyn, played by Joe Pesci.
This is.
With 75 names to chose from, we’ll allow write in votes. Heck, vote for your own kid in little league if his–or her–name is funny.
This post appears today, under a different title, as my monthly guest post on The Blog of Funny Names.
“I saw a snake having sex with a vulture and, I thought, it’s just business as usual in Washington, DC.”–Jarod Kintz
There may be plenty of snakes and vultures in Washington, DC, but when it comes to flat out, upfront political lewdness, give me the good old American heartland. Because the best political names–funny and lewd–are out there in the hinterland. Consider these two, if you will.
Harry William Baals–(b. Nov. 16., 1886, d. May 9, 1954), was the Republican mayor of Ft. Wayne, Indiana from 1934-1947 and from 1951 until his death in 1954.
Harry Baals. Somebody in Ft. Wayne has a sense of humor.
The obvious double entendre on Baals name has been a source of much consternation in his home town. In the more innocent Ozzie and Harriet climate of the 1950’s, Harry Baals Drive was named after him. It has since been renamed H.W. Baals drive. That’s a shame, but it’s still funnier than George H.W. Bush drive. (There has to be a Bush and Baals joke in there someplace, but you figure it out.)
More recently, in 2011, the city of Fort Wayne held an online vote to name its new government center, and the public overwhelmingly voted for The Harry Baals Government Center–in fact, more then ten times as many votes as any other name. The horrified city fathers reneged on the contest and simply named the building Citizen’s Square. But perhaps the worst slight to the memory of this great man–or at least to his great name–is that his ancestors have taken to pronouncing Baals as Bales. That’s downright un-American. They will all be blacklisted immediately on The Blog of Funny Names.
At any rate, Baals died from a kidney infection during his final term in office. You can only surmise if it might have been brought on by scratching–well, you know.
Wankard Pooser–(b. Sept. 27, 1893, d. Feb. 22, 1978), was a firebrand in the Florida state legislature in the 1940’s. Pooser was elected to the first of his two terms in 1945, apparently on the merits of his sole campaign promise, which was to vote against every single bill put before the legislature while in office. He lived up to that promise in his first term, though that did not stop him from introducing a bill, which was a proposal for an amendment to the state constitution to abolish the legislature. He suggested that by transferring all of the legislature’s powers to the governor, much time and money would be saved. You’ve got to love a politician who proposed to outlaw politicians! Unfortunately for Pooser, the amendment went nowhere, as did his subsequent political path. In his second term he broke his “all no votes” promise–just one single time–and promptly lost his seat when he ran for a third term. Undeterred, he attempted a comeback in 1952. He lost. One can only conclude that his given name appropriately described his career. (If you don’t get it, look up the definition of the British slang term “wank.”)
It seems that the national Republican party of that era missed out on one of the greatest photo ops of all time. If these two had been at the top of their 1948 presidential ticket, that famous newspaper headline might have read Wankard and Baals defeat Truman!
“My work is destroyed almost as soon as it’s printed. One day it’s being read; the next day someone’s wrapping fish in it.”–Al Capp
(This post appears concurrently on The Blog of Funny Names under a different title)
Joe Btfsplk was an infamous character in the long running comic strip L’il Abner, by the late cartoonist, Al Capp (1909-1979). Known as “the world’s worst jinx”, Btfsplk walked around with a cloud over his head, 24/7. Poor Joe was generally relegated to a life as a loner, as nobody would get near him due to his penchant for wreaking disaster on anyone and anything who ever got close. His only other claim to fame? His image was briefly licensed for a series of animated TV commercials–by Head and Shoulders!
As hard as his name is to spell, it’s not so difficult to pronounce, once you know the trick. Capp would apparently demonstrate it thusly at his public lectures: he parsed his lips, stuck out his tongue, and blew out air. In other words, a raspberry as this little tyke demonstrates.
Not surprisingly, it was a baseball name Evan P. Rutckyj, that dislodged this bit of decaying ephemera from my rotting neuronal archives. Rutckyj is a Canadian born pitcher buried in the low minors in the New York Yankees farm system. The name is pronounced ROOT-ski. This silent final J is a bit of a letdown. Six consecutive vowels ought to all be pronounced. If he ever makes to the Bronx Bombers, though, he’s sure to get a dose of what that little fella in the video above is dishing out. This in turn, led me to think of other vowel challenged names, including former MLB players Eli Grba and Kent Hrbek. All this led me, further, to the recall of one of the funniest stories ever to appear in The Onion, Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia. Got any favorite vowel challenged names? Or a preferred alternative pronunciation for Rutckyj? Let us know in the comments section. And be sure to avoid Joe Btfsplk.
Joe Btfsplk, the world’s worst jinx, in this excerpt from the March 20, 1947 strip
“Said Conrad Cornelius O’Donald O’Dell, my very young friend who is learning to spell…”–Dr. Seuss (On Beyond Zebra)
This post appears today on The Blog of Funny Names
It has been previously reported in these pages that this author’s interest in funny names began way back in middle school in the mid 1960’s with the creation of a list of the 50 wackiest names in baseball history.
This report was wrong. It’s true that my best friend of that era and I did create such a list. But my seminal interest in funny names lore predated even that, going way back to elementary school in the late 1950’s. My favorite book at that age, you see, was an amazing tome by one Theodore Seuss Geisel, AKA Dr. Seuss.
I have often said that while others are encouraged to think outside the box, I have often found it downright difficult to think inside the box, and I’m pretty sure this habit started with the Seuss classic, On Beyond Zebra. And while an earlier post on this blog chronicled Charles Dickens as the greatest master of funny names in English Literature, Dr. Seuss deserves similar recognition in the milieu of children’s literature.
I could go on and on regarding any number of Seussian monikers, like Gertrude McFuzz, Ziggy Zozzfozzel or Gerald McBoing-Boing. But one book stands alone–On Beyond Zebra–as the absolute gold standard of funny names in children’s literature. In fact, it contained names so outre he invented new letters of the alphabet with which to spell them.
In all 20 new creatures made this alphabet quorum, from YUZZ-A-MA-TUZZ to HIGH GARGEL-ORUM. For the most part they seemed and sounded quite dumbus, like FLUM is for FLUMMEL and WUM is for WUMBUS. What is my favorite? It’s darned hard to picker, from SNEE is for SNEEDLE to GLICK is for GLIKKER. And as sure and as shootin’ as I am a libra, my favorite kids book is still ON BEYOND ZEBRA.
We often referred to our two schipperkes (dogs) as Thing A and Thing B. They were almost as raucous as these guys.
And that, my friends, is how it is done. So come back real soon if you want some real fun. 😀
END NOTE: A few years ago there were so many hurricanes that the National Hurricane Center ran out of standard western alphabet letters to name them after, and had to go to Greek letters to designate the overflow. I actually emailed WCBS-New York News Radio 880 weatherman Craig Allen and suggested they use the Seuss letters instead. To my amazement, he took my tongue-in-cheek suggestion seriously and emailed back that I should send the suggestion to the Hurricane Center. I shot back that it was intended as a joke, and he should feel free to use it. I don’t know if he ever did, but a few days later Stephen Colbert made this very suggestion on the first Colbert Report. Coincidence? Maybe, but those New York media types travel in the same circles, so you never know!
Being vain, I don’t usually reblog anything that is not by me or about me. But in this case, I’m making an exception. Brilliant investigative reporting here by my fellow Blog of Funny Names correspondent, Arto.
And now for something completely different. Here is a special report filed by our European Field Agent Portnoy Macademia. Enjoy.
In a nondescript office building in central Lausanne, Switzerland, there is a global registry of unusual names. A man named Herland Howitzer is the curator, sole customer service representative and by unfortunate necessity, janitor. He is essentially the registry embodied, the only employee aside from a nice old woman from Missouri by the name of Janet who has the job of sitting at a desk, holding open a very large book and smiling nicely to you when you ask about this or that name, before ringing a small bell that brings Herland over to actually talk to you.
The reasons behind the Registry’s founding remain shrouded in mystery. Herland has worked here “more than several decades”, he tells me, and so did the curator/janitor before him. He has a…
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I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but I might have the most cluttered mind.
The Millennium Conjectures™ 