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9th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The NFL Draft. RUNOFF!

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”– George Burns

The 2021 poll, due to a razor sharp margin and no clear winner, will now go to a runoff between the top three finishers. Voting closes whenever I feel like and there will be a winner, even if I have to cast the deciding vote.

My, how time flies when you’re having fun with funny names. I can’t believe this is year #9 for this warped feature. Before you know it, I’ll be nearing the end of that George Burns sequence quoted above. You’ll know it; I probably won’t. The only consolation I have now is that some of the big lugs mentioned herein, thanks to all the knocks on the noggin they’ll be getting in the pros, will go tearing down that highway of cognitive deterioration a lot quicker than I will.

Anyway, let’s get down to it. 2021’s draft has a bumper crop of mind-tickling monikers, but there is no clear favorite. Here are the primary candidates [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]

Oh, and if you want to refresh your memory before you go into cognitive decline, here are the links to previous eight polls.

The true Aman-Ra?

Amon-Ra St. Brown, WR, USC– You have to wonder about his parents and their infatuation with names of Egyptian gods. His older brother Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep St. Brown was the winner of the 6th annual poll, and his younger brother, Osiris plays for Stanford and is likely to show up in a future draft. Do funny names run in the family? And speaking of running, they are all three wide receivers–maybe they are running from their names? What I think the name sounds like: the offspring of The Mummy and a British Archeologist.

Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan–Is brevity the soul of wit in funny names? Paye has the shortest name of any nominee since 5th draft winner, Jake Butt. His story is rather amazing, as his family came to the US to escape a civil war in Liberia. What I think his name sounds like: the hippo ballerina from Fantasia.

Isaiahh Loudermilk, DE, Wisconsin–If you didn’t do a double take when you read this name, then you didn’t notice that first name spelling with the double h.  Were his parents alphabetically challenged? His father’s first name is Carteze. Gesundheit! What I think his name sounds like:  A second cousin of Ezzzekial Softswill.

The best Mc name ever?

Racey McMath, WR, WR, LSU–Sadly, there are no nominees this year in the hyphenated name category. But McMath becomes the first “Mc” name in the history of the poll, and the funniest Mc in sports since the boxing Arroyo brothers, McJoe and McWilliams. And outside of the sports world, who can forget Boaty McBoatface?  What I think his name sounds like: an arithmetic-teaching Muppet on Sesame Street.

Divine Deablo, S, Virginia Tech–Wow. Just…like…wow. Maybe you can make up a name like this. I sure can’t. This calls up memories of seeing God Shammgod playing basketball for Providence College back in 90’s. I never forgot that name; I never will. What I think his name sounds like: A character in an online fantasy role-playing game.

Josh Imatorbhebhe, WR, Illinois.–Ok, so this year’s poll is top heavy with wide receivers. In the case of Josh Imat…Imator–sorry my keyboard ran out of letters–It’s bottom heavy. Remember the line from Amadeus–“too many notes?” This name has too many letters. What I think the name sounds like: A skipping phonograph needle.

We went with six nominees this year, as it was tough to eliminate any of the aforementioned. As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins.  They include, but are not limited to, Creed Humphrey, Simi Fehoko, Tutu Atwell, Tommy Tremble, Chuba Hubbard, Kyhiris Tonga, Dillon Stoner, Whop Philyor and frankly, anyone else whose name you can make a reasonable attempt at spelling.

Original Results (closed). Scroll down to vote in runoff.

RUNOFF. Voting closes…um…er…eventually.

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9th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The NFL Draft.

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”– George Burns

The 2021 poll, due to a razor sharp margin and no clear winner, will now go to a runoff between the top three finishers. Voting closes whenever I feel like and there will be a winner, even if I have to cast the deciding vote.

My, how time flies when you’re having fun with funny names. I can’t believe this is year #9 for this warped feature. Before you know it, I’ll be nearing the end of that George Burns sequence quoted above. You’ll know it; I probably won’t. The only consolation I have now is that some of the big lugs mentioned herein, thanks to all the knocks on the noggin they’ll be getting in the pros, will go tearing down that highway of cognitive deterioration a lot quicker than I will.

Anyway, let’s get down to it. 2021’s draft has a bumper crop of mind-tickling monikers, but there is no clear favorite. Here are the primary candidates [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]

Oh, and if you want to refresh your memory before you go into cognitive decline, here are the links to previous eight polls.

The true Aman-Ra?

Amon-Ra St. Brown, WR, USC– You have to wonder about his parents and their infatuation with names of Egyptian gods. His older brother Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep St. Brown was the winner of the 6th annual poll, and his younger brother, Osiris plays for Stanford and is likely to show up in a future draft. Do funny names run in the family? And speaking of running, they are all three wide receivers–maybe they are running from their names? What I think the name sounds like: the offspring of The Mummy and a British Archeologist.

Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan–Is brevity soul of wit in funny names? Paye has the shortest name of any nominee since 5th draft winner, Jake Butt. His story is rather amazing, as his family came to the US to escaped a civil war in Liberia. What I think his name sounds like: the hippo ballerina from Fantasia.

Isaiahh Loudermilk, DE, Wisconsin–If you didn’t do a double take when you read this name, then you didn’t notice that first name spelling with the double h.  Were his parents alphabetically challenged? His father’s first name is Carteze. Gesundheit! What I think his name sounds like:  A second cousin of Ezzzekial Softswill.

The best Mc name ever?

Racey McMath, WR, WR, LSU–Sadly, there are no nominees this year in the hyphenated name category. But McMath becomes the first “Mc” name in the history of the poll, and the funniest Mc in sports since the boxing Arroyo brothers, McJoe and McWilliams. And outside of the sports world, who can forget Boaty McBoatface?  What I think his name sounds like: an arithmetic-teaching Muppet on Sesame Street.

Divine Deablo, S, Virginia Tech–Wow. Just…like…wow. Maybe you can make up a name like this. I sure can’t. This call up memories of seeing God Shammgod playing basketball for Providence College back in 90’s. I never forgot that name; I never will. What I think his name sounds like: A character in an online fantasy role-playing game.

Josh Imatorbhebhe, WR, Illinois.–Ok, so this year’s poll is top heavy with wide receivers. In the case of Josh Imat…Imator–sorry my keyboard ran out of letters–It’s bottom heavy. Remember the line from Amadeus–“too many notes?” This name has too many letters. What I think the name sounds like: A skipping phonograph needle.

We went with six nominees this year, as it was tough to eliminate any of the aforementioned. As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins.  They include, but are not limited to, Creed Humphrey, Simi Fehoko, Tutu Atwell, Tommy Tremble, Chuba Hubbard, Kyhiris Tonga, Dillon Stoner, Whop Philyor and frankly, anyone else whose name you can make a reasonable attempt at spelling.

Original Results (closed). Scroll down to vote in runoff.

RUNOFF. Voting closes…um…er…eventually.

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8th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The NFL Draft.

This post appears concurrently on The Blog of Funny Names

“I want to own an NFL franchise. I understand the business of football.”-Jon Bon Jovi

I honestly have no idea if Jon Bon Jovi understands the business of football.  But with a name like his, he should certainly understand this piece of NFL business.  Yes,  it’s that time of the year again–the 8th annual poll of the funniest names in the NFL draft.  Presented this year with a little extra voting time because, hey, what else is there to do besides stream endless 60s sitcom reruns during this social lockdown?  So vote early, vote often, and yuck it up for these great names–just make sure you’re laughing at least six feet away from the next guy.  I guarantee these monikers will all be crowd pleasers.  [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]

Oh, and if you run out of reruns to watch, here are the links to the past 7 iterations of this hallowed annual tradition.

Eat your heart out, Sir Galahad

Tristan Wirfs, OT, Iowa–A rather royal European sounding name for a born and bred hawkeye.  He’s super athletic, and though he may not win this poll, he could be the highest drafted player in this group.  He’s a first rounder for sure.  At 6’5″, 322 lbs., who’s going stand in his way? What I think his name sounds like: A minor knight of the round table.

Prince Tega Wanogho, OT, Auburn–Do we see a pattern here?  This draft is loaded with talent at offensive tackle prospects, so it’s fitting we have two in our prime list of candidates.  And believe me, this is one offensive tackle you don’t want to offend.  He’s stands 6′ 7″, 305 lbs.  What I think his name sounds like: a potty training phrase for the future king of the Maoris.

Yetur Gross-Matos, DE, Penn State–Ah, I just love those double-barrelled names. And compared to those first two guys, he’s a svelt 265 lbs.  That’s a good thing.  If he was the size of Tristan or Prince, he’d hardly fit into Penn State.  Oh, and he has a sister named Qeturah.  What I think his name sounds like: The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of Ghengis Khan.

CeeDee’s cousin?

CeeDee Lamb, WR, WR, Oklahoma–This name does not so much sound funny as it looks funny.  Hearing it, you would expect it to be spelled C.D., not CeeDee.  Maybe his parents were phonetically challenged.  What I think his name sounds like: a cartoon wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Leki Fotu, DT, Utah– This draft is heavy with linemen–pun maybe intended.  At 335 pounds he’s the biggest of this bunch.  And at just 8 letters for given and family name, it’s the shortest tag since Jake Butt won the title a few years ago.  A small name name for a big man.  What I think his name sounds like: a character from norse mythology.

As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins.  They include, but are not limited to, Tua Tagolaivoa,  Quintes Cephus, Jabari, Zuniga, Justin Strnad (no, that last name is not a typo), Bravvion Roy, Tremayne Anchrum, and if you think they might make a good offensive tackle, any Sumo wrestler whose name you can spell.  You can vote as many times as you like.   Voting closes at noon, EDT, Monday April 27.

The poll is closed.  Prince Tega Wanogho is the winner of the 2020 poll.

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7th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The NFL Draft

This is the 2019 Poll.  The 2020 Poll is available HERE

“If I could remember the names of all these particles, I’d be a botanist.”–Enrico Fermi

Voting closed.  Rock Ya-Sin is the winnier of the 2019 poll.

Ah, spring has sprung.   Flowers are blooming.  The world is reborn (just ask Tiger Woods if you don’t believe that one).  And that means one special thing: it’s time for the 7th annual funniest names in the NFL draft poll.  As sure as the spring pollens emerge, so do the weird and wonderful names that populate the NFL.   And as for that identity crisis, unless they are paranoid about their strange monikers, none of the nominees  have to worry about it.  They are all well-known–most of them–already.

So what will it be this year?  We’ve had short names (Jake Butt), long names (Halapoulivaati Vaitai), double-barrelled names (Ha-ha Clinton-Dix), write-in names (Jaquiski Tartt), aristocratic sounding names (Equanimeous St. Brown) and even a name that sounds like a Dothroki warrior (Barkevious Mingo), win the previous six iterations.

Without further ado, let’s skip to the chase.  Here are this year’s nominees.  As usual, I’ll say what I think the name sounds like it’s owner should be, if not a football player.

Just the man to front Lil’ Jordan

Lil’ Jordan Humphrey–WR, University of Texas.  How’s this for a start.  We’ve had many a double-barrelled names among the ranks of contestants.  Even a double-double-barrelled winner in Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix.  But we’ve never had an apostraphe-d name seriously compete.  OK, I just made up the word “apostrophe-d,” but give me a break.  We need some way to describe it.   And I threw in a hyphen just for added confusion.  What I think his name sounds like: the bass singer from Little Anthony and the Imperials.

Rock Ya-Sin–CB, Temple.  I just love how this name flows off the tongue.  There always has to be a nickname or two in the list (again, we recall “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix), and this year we have a couple of them.  His given name is actually Abdurrahaman.  What I think his name sounds like:  a rap artist from Taiwan.

Ceejhay French-Love, TE, Arizona State.  Nicknames and alliterative names  always play well in this poll.  But for my money, I love a great double-barreled name, and you literally have to love this one.  So much so, in fact, that I parted with convention and picked somebody who is  more likely to wind up being an undrafted free agent; this one is too good to leave out.  What I think his name sounds like: Sorry–not touching this one with a ten foot tongue.

My name….Oshane Ximenes

Oshane Ximenes–LB, Old Dominion  I’m curious to know exactly what ethnicity or nationality this name hails from.  How often do  you see a last name starting with X? What I think his name sounds like: The Greek pronunciation of Jose Jimenez.

Greedy Williams, CB, LSU–OK, his given name is Andraez, and while Williams is a rather pedestrian surname, I just love the nickname.  And while it seems a rather appropriate sobriquet for a cornerback intent on swiping the ball from opposing receivers, that’s not how he got it.  His aunt called him “Greedy-Deedee” after babysitting him in his infancy.  He’s also likely to be a first round pick.  What I think his name sounds like: a bag man for the mob.

In the TakiTaki Tiki Room

Sione Takitaki, LB, BYU–Here’s a name that’s not quite like anything we’ve ever showcased in this feature.  Like French-Love, he’s more likely to wind up playing in Canada–or the arena league, but this was another one too good to omit.    What I think his name sounds like: the designer of Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room.

You can vote as often as you like (“Vote early and vote often.”–Al Capone).  And write-ins are allowed and encouraged.  You can even write in the name of the next politician you’d like to see flattened with a corner blitz,  but be sure to consider these honorable mentions: Kingsley Keke, Jachai Polite, Devine Ozigba, Freedom Akinmladun, Yodney Cajuste, D’Cota Dixon, Deebo Samuel and just about any other combination you can find the next time you spill a bowl of alphabet soup.  Happy voting–and here’s hoping  your team drafts the funniest name.

 

 

 

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6th Annual Poll: Funniest Names In The NFL Draft (2018)

This is the 2018 poll.  The 2020 poll is running HERE.  I also blog and podcast on futurist topics at Seeking Delphi.™ 

“My weird name has haunted me all my life.”–Peaches Geldof

Sadly, Peaches didn’t live long enough to be haunted all that long.  The only thing that will haunt the names we honor herein, though, is how to spend the bonus checks they get when they sign NFL contracts.

So here we go–the sixth annual Funniest Names in the NFL Draft Poll.  Wow.  Sixth? Already?   If time flies when you are having fun, it flies even faster when you are making fun…of funny names.

Let’s kick it off with a review of the five previous winners and how their fortunes have fared since being drafted.

Poll #1, 2013–Barkevious Mingo. Outside Linebacker, LSU.  Mingo was the number six overall pick in the draft that year, but has never lived up to the hype of a first rounder.  If that fate wasn’t obvious when he was picked by Cleveleand, you haven’t been following the NFL lately.

Poll #2 2014–Ha-Sean Treshon “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix, Free Safety, Alabama. Picked 21st overall in that year’s first round by the Green  Bay Packers, he’s had a solid if unspectacular pro career to date.  He does have the distinction of beating out the best ever also-ran in this poll–Jadaveon Clowney.  Clowney was the number one overall pick by Houston that year.  With a Ha-Ha and a Clown, 2014 was the deepest draft in funny name annals.  However, Ha-Ha’s biggest claim to funny name fame is his cameo appearance in Key and Peele’s East-West Bowl, Pro Edition.

Poll #3–2015–Jaquiski Tartt, Safety, Samford. Tartt was the first, and so far, only player to win this poll on a write-in.  He was also the highest drafted player ever to go to Samford, going to San Francisco in the second round.  I think that final “tt” is what clinched it for him.

Poll #4-2106–Halapoulivaati Vaiti, Offensive Tackle, TCU.  Can’t say much, my computer is out of letters.  At least fourteen fans were hospitalized and treated for tongue cramp when they attempted to pronounce his name after his fifth round drafting by Philadelphia.

Poll #5–2017–Jake Butt, Tight End, Michigan. Wow, a tight end named Butt.  He was headed towards possible first round selection until he tore his ACL in the 2016 Orange Bowl.  He fell to the fifth round–selected by Denver–but sat out the entire 2017 season with the injury.  At least his butt is still in tact.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to start our engines and get to the 2018 nominees.  As usual, I’ll  regale you with my warped opinions on what the names sound like they might be, if they weren’t football players.

Vita Vea–Best name? Maybe. Best hair–definitely!

Tevita “Vita” Tuliakiono Tuipuloto Mosese Va’hae Faletau Vea, Defensive Tackle, Washington. A big name for a big (346 pound) man.  Do not attempt to pronounce this entire name unless in the presence of an external oxygen supply and paramedics.  The question is not whether this is the longest name in NFL history, but the longest in world hostory.  What I think his name sounds like: The entire Hawaiian language dictionary.

Equanimeous Tristan Imhoptep J. St. Brown, Wide Receiver, Notre Dame.  I’d say you can’t make this stuff up, but obviously, his parents did. What I think his name sounds like: the 14th editor of the Oxford Unabridged English Dictionary.

Josey Jewel, Linebacker Iowa.  Unfortunately, there are no really good double-barrelled names in this year’s draft, but there are three great candidates for best alliterative name.  Jewel is one of them. What I think his name sounds like: A Vegas pole dancer.

Folorunso Fatukasi, Defensive Tackle, UCONN.  UConn, of course, is much better known for basketball–especially women’s–than football.  And hey, my wife and daughter are both alums.  This guy throws his hat in the ring for the best alliterative name.  What I think his name sounds like: the governor of Okinawa.

Key’vantanie “Keke” Coutee, Wide Receiver, Texas Tech.  Sorry Josey and Foloro…Flor… oh, whatever your name is–Keke is my personal pick for best alliterative name in this year’s pack.  What I think his name sounds like: see Josey Jewell.

There are plenty of honorable mentions, all eligible to be written in.  But hey, you can write in your kid if he plays Pop Warner, or even your mother-in-law, if her corner blitz flattens  you.  So don’t forget to consider Ogbonnia Okoronkwo, Breeland Speaks, Hercules Mata’afa, Dane Cruishank, Chuckwuma Okorafor or just about anybody whose name tickles your funny bone.

 Voting is closed.  Equanimeous St. Brown is the winner of the 6th annual Funniest Names In The NFL Draft poll.

 

 

 

 

 

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Cosmic Quote #99

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”–Hunter S. Thompson

And when their names get weird–or funny–they go in the first round of the NFL draft.  Just ask Barkevious Mingo, Jadeveon Clowney, and Ha-Ha Clinton Dix.  They were all first rounders, and all top performers in the annual poll of funniest names in the NFL draft.  Oh, yeah. Don’t forget: the 6th annual edition of that venerated tradition will appear on Monday of next week. Same time, same channel.

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Mark’s Neologisms #8

“Words empty as the wind are best left unsaid.”–Homer

Ah, my dear Homer, a good sentiment.  But what if those empty words are absurdly hysterical?  It will take more than a dead Greek poet to stop me.

Everything is being done with Artificial Intelligence these days, some of it profound, some of it scary, and some of it downright ridiculous.  You’d know this if  you followed my Seeking Delphi™ podcasts and blog.  AI is being used  for early disease diagnosis, protection of the power grid, and facial recognition to catch criminals and secure our cell phones.  But it’s also being used for some pretty silly things, too.  How about a sex robot that tells jokes, or a robodog that sniffs your feet and passes out if they stink?

This brings me to the latest effort in the Mark’s Neologisms series.  I didn’t invent the terms below.  An AI program devised by Colorado researcher Janelle Shane was programmed to create convincing sounding disease names.  The results were, well, both hilarious and alarming.  But here’s the thing–it only created the names.  So in the great tradition of my sicko mind, here are some of my favorites from the list, with the actual definition of the malady added by yours truly.

Sexursoma Ear–The Latin name for hickey of the ear.

Joint Pseudomalabia–Inflammation of a prosthetic joint

Ear Poop–A side effect gotten from listening to political speeches.

Teenagerna Vain Syndrome–Well, that’s obvious.

Catdullitis–An affliction that causes pet owners to prefer dogs.

Ankle Bladders–Caused by severe gout

Seal Breath–Not fatal if you  have it, but possibly fatal if the person next to you has it.

Testicle Behavior–A mythical condition never afflicting heterosexual males.

Eye Stools–A pandemic caused by televising  political debates.

Hoot Injury–A bruise or contusion obtained when bumped into by a Hooters waitress.

Vertical Hemoglobin Fever–What most residents of Colorado, Alaska, Washington DC and other locales suffer from since the legalization of pot.

Cold Glock Allergy–An aversion to being held at point blank range.

Some of the names were so ridiculous I couldn’t begin to define them.  A few of the most bizarre are listed below. See if you can come up with something for any of the following.

Mardial Denection 

Gumpetic Surpical Escesion

 Vertical Pasocapheration Syndrome 

Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear

Milk Tomosis     Black Bote Headache     Excessive Woot Sweating 

Stumm Complication     8 Poop     Herpangitis

Wamble Submoration      Osteomaroxism     

 Bacterial Fladular Syndrome              Asteophyterdimentricular Aneurism       

 If nothing else, these are sure to make The Blog of Funny Names     

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Taylor Harry Fritz–er, or is it Fritz Harry Taylor?

Note:  This post previously appeared on The Blog of Funny Names

“Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row.”–Vitas Gerulaitis when he finally beat Jimmy Connors after losing to him 16 straight times.

Here at The Blog of Funny Names, we’ve always had a fascination with people who have two last names.  Outerbridge Horsey is the classic.  Then of course, there are those that have  two first names–like the eponymous Tommy John.

Taylor Harry Fritz.

Taylor Harry Fritz.

But seldom have we come across somebody whose name appears to be backwards.  But that would seem to be the case with rising 18-year-old American tennis star, Taylor Harry Fritz. If his name was Fritz Harry Taylor, we wouldn’t consider feting  him in these hallowed pages.  Or Harry Fritz Taylor, or even Harry Taylor Fritz.  It’s as if the names were picked out of a hat to come in that order.

But that aside, the tennis world is not laughing; especially the American tennis world.  No American man has won a major tennis tournament since Andy Roddick won the US Open in 2003.  No American man has even made the quarter finals of a major since Roddick, Mardy Fish (a great funny name as well) and John Isner all did it in 2011.  There is currently no American man ranked higher than #17 in the world (Isner)

However you order his names, Taylor Fritz may just be the guy to change all that.  He won the 2015 junior boys title at the US Open and finished the year as the top ranked junior in the world.   And after turning pro in 2016?  He won his first ATP tour title, qualified for the Australian Open, and has jumped to #65 in the world from a ranking in the 600’s in just a few months.  He is the youngest player currently in the top 100.  Last week at a tournament in Stuttgart, Germany, he got a real taste of the big time,  meeting all–time great Roger Federer in the second round.   He lost, but gave Federer a run for his money at 4-6, 7-5, 4-6.  I don’t know if Federer will be around long enough for Fritz to play him 17 times,  but I’d bet he won’t need that many to beat him.  And that goes no matter what order you say his names in.

As for me, if you’re tired of this blog,  you can go to my new, second blog, Seeking Delphi, and mock me there.

Cheers,

El Marko

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Time Out: Groucho Marx and the Funniest Film Character Names

Note: this post appeared recently under a different title on The Blog of Funny Names

“Those are my principles.  If you don’t like them, I have others.”–Groucho Marx

The inimitable Groucho

The Inimitable Groucho

Julius HenryGrouchoMarx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was not only one of the funniest men to ever live, he also played some of the funniest named characters in American movie history.  It’s also notable (at least to me) that he is the “ridiculous” part of the inspiration in the name of this blog (The Millennium Conjectures: A blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime).  And by the way,  the “sublime” half of the inspiration is one Mohandas K. Gandhi (October 2, 1869-January 30, 1948).  The point?  Well, take a close look and you will see one similarity.   They share the same birthday, October 2,  which just happens to be my birthday–if many years later.

But I digress.  While Groucho’s name may only be somewhat funny, many of the character names he played in a slew of classic Marx Brothers movies were over the top funny.  Here are just a few of them,  in chronological order.

Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff (Horsefeathers, 1932)

” I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. “–Groucho Marx in Horsefeathers.

While Groucho’s first truly iconic role was that of  Captain Jeffrey Spaulding in 1930’s Animal Crackers, Wagstaff was his first funny-named character.  But believe me, in that department he was just getting started.

Rufus  T. Firefly (Duck Soup, 1933)

“Go, and never darken my towels again.”–Groucho Marx in Duck Soup.

While originally opening to mixed reviews, perhaps due to its then already dated World War I era political satire,  Duck Soup has since become regarded as a classic and comedic masterpiece and was named to the American Film Institute’s list of the top 100 films of the 20th century.  One critic said “love the comedy and ignore the plot.”  No kidding.  Caring about the plot of a Marx Brothers movie is like caring about the frame on a Picasso.

Otis P. Driftwood (A Night at the Opera, 1935)

“And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.”–Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera

Another classic which was also named to AFI’s top 100 American Films of the 20th century.  It just happens to also include what I consider the funniest scene of slapstick comedy ever made. (See below).

I’d laugh even harder, but the last cruise I went on, my own cabin was about that size.

 

Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush (A Day at the Races, 1937)

“I have a confession to make.  I’m a horse doctor.  But marry me and I’ll never look at another horse.”–Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races

As suggested by the quote above, Groucho plays a veterinarian of dubious skills in this flick.  I always think of the character name as being Dr. Quackenbush.  And as my wife happens to be a veterinarian, I laugh doubly hard.  Hey, if I can laugh at myself,  I can laugh at my wife, too.

J. Cheever Loophole (At the Circus. 1939)

 “I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.”  Groucho Marx in At the Circus

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that, with that name, Groucho’s character in this one was a lawyer.  It wasn’t the best of the Marx Brothers’ movies, but produced one of the most iconic musical numbers from their oeuvre, Lydia the Tattooed Lady.

That’s just a sampling,  but if you don’t like these, well, he has others!

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Time Out: Second Annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards for the Funniest Names on the Planet

Note:  This post appeared yesterday under a different name on The Blog of Funny Names

“Awards do not pay the mortgage.”–Kevin Chamberlin

I’m taking a poll.  All those who don’t agree with the above quote, send me $100.  Let’s prove it wrong.

Now, let’s get down to business.  2014 may be over, but the awards season for its achievements is just beginning.  Not to be outdone, let’s be the first to throw out meaningless accolades in the new year, with the second annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards, honoring the best of the past year’s funny names previously covered in these pages.  Yes, we do consider it an honor.  By the way, due to numerous complaints from readers, we have dropped last year’s requirement that you be wearing a tuxedo or evening gown when you read this post.  But please, no tank tops or bare feet;  and if you do chose formal attire, wearing both a tuxedo and an evening gown at the same time would be awesome!

It’s going to be tough to outdo last year’s winners.  How do you top the likes of 2013 Funny-Named Athlete of the YearBarkevious Mingo  and 2013 Funny Name in the News of the YearJanice “Lokelani” Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele?  The latter  should also win a special achievement award as the longest name ever presented herein–or maybe anywhere else for that matter.   Anyway, we may not be able to top them, but let’s give it a go.

Two of these will be awarded to Englebert Humperdinck.  Sadly, this won't make a whole horse.

Two of these will be awarded for Englebert Humperdinck. Sadly, this still doesn’t make a whole horse.

We’ll start with a bit of nostalgia and bestow the 2014 Funny-named Entertainer of the Year on Engelbert Humperdinck.  Both of them!  The cheesy 1960’s and 70’s British pop singer and the not-quite-as-cheesy 19th century German opera composer.   British Englebert had a number of top 40 hits back in the day, the first and biggest of which, Release Me, peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in April of 1967.  German Englebert composed any number of forgotten hodge-podges, but had one smashing success, Hänsel und Gretel, which premiered in 1893 under the baton of one Richard Strauss.  It has held down the #1 spot on the Fairy Tale-Themed Opera hit parade for most of the 120+ years since.  Oh, he also had a cheesy pop singer copy his name.  Our correspondent Kerbey originally profiled the British Engelbert back in April of last year, and included a shout out to the late German composer.

Next up is the 2014 Funny Named Athlete of the Year award, and the field of nominees is a crowded one.  With the likes of World Series MVP and Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Madison Bumgarner, Funniest Names in the NFL Draft poll runner-up Jadaveon Clowney,  Minor League Baseball Moniker Madness runner-up Joey Pankake,  and probable NFL Offensive Rookie-of-the-Year Odell Beckham, Jr. all in the running, it’s going to be hard to pick a winner.   But since we have to,  the envelope please!

And the winner is….none of the above, because there is just no way we can deny our readers’ wishes.  The winner is the 2014 Funniest Name in the NFL Draft poll champion Ha-Ha Clinton Dix.   He was not chosen as early in the NFL draft as Clowney and did not have as great a rookie year as Beckham, Jr.  But he sure led the league in bad jokes on his name.

Next, we move on to Funny-Named Politician of the Year. I was very tempted to delve into the realm of nostalgia again, and award posthumous trophies to two classics I profiled back in July:  Harry Baals and Wankard Pooser.  But those names are in such an elite class of their own, it seems almost unfair to award them Horseys.   So instead, we’ll actually name this award after them, and give the 2014 Wankard–Baals Award for the funniest name in politics to one Zephyr Rains Teachout.   Profiled by Arto back in September, Ms. Teachout had the audacity to challenge the unfunny-named, but very powerful Andrew Cuomo, for the New York Democratic gubernatorial nomination.  She lost; but she won our hearts.  Being that she is a professor of constitutional law–a teacher!–at the Vermont School of Law, we need to create another new honor for actually being her name.   Let’s call it the Major Major Major Major Aptly-Named Award.   Too bad she doesn’t look like Henry Fonda;  the image below could have been her campaign poster.

He's not Major Major Major Major, but he sure looks like him.

He’s not Major Major Major Major, but he sure looks like him.

Moving on to the 2014 Funniest Name in the News Award, we have a dilemma.  Nothing could possibly top the aforementioned 2013 winner, Janice K.  We have limited storage space on WordPress, so we can only spell out her name so many times, even though the abbreviation makes her appear to be the sister of  Joseph K., from Kafka’s The Trial.   And again, space limitations prevent us from naming the award after her.  So let’s be brief.  The winner this year is pop singer Iggy Azalea, for repeated news mentions mainly due to legal problems and for having a name that sounds more like a coniferous evergreen than an actual person.  She was first covered here in a Funny Names in the News post in August.  Hopefully this will be her last mention.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for–well, I’ve been waiting for it because my hands are cramping up from all this typing–the ultimate award, The 2014 Funny-Named Person of the Year.

May we have a drum roll please.  Ratattattat

And now a trumpet fanfare.  Tarantara

And finally, one stupendous, ear-splitting volley of flatulence!  Pffffffffffttttttttttttt!

And if that introduction did not clue you in to the identity of the winner, you clearly have not been reading this blog very closely.   Because, yes, our winner is the man who famously described his own name as sounding like “a fart in a bathtub,”  the irrepressible British actor Benedict Cumberbatch.  He’s been nominated for both an Emmy as best actor for his portrayal of the title character in the BBC  TV series Sherlock, and for a Golden Globe as best actor for his portrayal of Alan Turing in The Imitation Game.  He’ll almost certainly get an Oscar nomination for the latter role, as well.  But he doesn’t have to wait to actually win an award.  He’s got one now.  So let’s give him a big round of applause and drown out all that flatulence.  Or at least the sound of it.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Funny-Named Person of the Year.  Only his name is flatulent.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Funny-Named Person of the Year. Only his name is flatulent.

Check out the insanity on my own blog here,  and have a happy and prosperous 2015

Cheers,

 

 

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