culture – The Millennium Conjectures™

Mark’s Neologisms #2

February 5, 2015 by Mark Sackler 6 Comments

“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out the window.”–Steve Wozniak

computus interruptus— n. the spontaneous unwanted shutdown of a program or app on a computer, tablet or smart phone.

We’ve all been there. You’re just about done with the spread sheet, or you just found the eatery you want on Yelp, or you are on the verge of a record score on some dumb game. And then you click or tap or swipe and the program or app shuts down. Poof. It’s gone. Dear Mr. Hawking, please tell us which black hole it fell into and how do we get it back? Or do we do the Wozniakian thing and throw the device out the window? Oh look, I just created another neologism. Wozniakian. Isn’t this fun?

Filed Under: Mark's Neologisms, Ridiculous Tagged With: anthropology, Computers, culture, humor, language, neologism, quotes, satire, Steve Wozniak, Technology

New Feature: Mark’s Neologisms

February 2, 2015 by Mark Sackler 7 Comments

” I can’t wait to go home and wash all those socks.”–Julianne Moore

Let’s face it: daily life in the new millennium is full of any number of experiences that, well, there is just no word or words to describe. Enter Mr. World’s Most Cluttered Mind to come to the rescue. Herein lies the ultimate descriptionary for everything you wanted to curse out but had no easy descriptive way to do so. We’ll start, though, with a low tech dilemma, rooted in the 20th century.

Dysoxia–n. The anxiety caused by inability to match socks when they come out of the wash.

Somebody is not following directions. (Cartoon attribution unknown)

We’ve all experienced it. You get to the end of folding a basket of clean clothes, and there they are: two socks that don’t match. Even worse, maybe there is an odd number of socks left with no matches. Three. Five. (10⁸³)+1.** There are any number of theories to explain this phenomenon. The socks are alien beings, and the missing one has reported back to its home planet. Socks are the larval form of wire hangers. A more scientific approach is my theory of frequent wash color drift: as socks get washed over and over, the color of each sock fades at different rates over time. This causes subtle mismatches which, when compounded by folding several pairs, may leave you with two socks at the end that are far apart in hue. How does this explain being left with an odd sock at the end? My guess is somewhere one sock disintegrated and its remains will be found in the lint drawer.

Please feel free to share your theories, and to suggest subjects for future editions of Mark’s Neologisms. Oh, and my advice to Ms. Moore? You’re a rich movie star. Don’t ever wash socks, you can afford to wear them once and throw them away.

** In case you were wondering how many socks (10⁸³)+1 is–it is probably enough to fill the entire visible universe. And none of them would match.

Filed Under: Mark's Neologisms, Ridiculous Tagged With: culture, humor, missing socks, modern life, neoglism, quotes, satire, words

Cosmic Quote #50

January 16, 2015 by Mark Sackler 3 Comments

“Everything that happens to me is very cosmic.”–Tommy Chong

Tommy Chong. Cosmic is as cosmic does.

Um..um…yeah!! (Duh). It’s pretty obvious why his experiences are so “cosmic.” And how often do I get to run a Cosmic Quote that actually has the word cosmic in it?

Stay cosmic, my friends.

Filed Under: Quotes, Ridiculous AND Sublime Tagged With: Chich and Chong, culture, humor, marijuana, pot, quotes, Tommy Chong

Time Out: Second Annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards for the Funniest Names on the Planet

January 11, 2015 by Mark Sackler Leave a Comment

Note: This post appeared yesterday under a different name on The Blog of Funny Names

“Awards do not pay the mortgage.”–Kevin Chamberlin

I’m taking a poll. All those who don’t agree with the above quote, send me $100. Let’s prove it wrong.

Now, let’s get down to business. 2014 may be over, but the awards season for its achievements is just beginning. Not to be outdone, let’s be the first to throw out meaningless accolades in the new year, with the second annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards, honoring the best of the past year’s funny names previously covered in these pages. Yes, we do consider it an honor. By the way, due to numerous complaints from readers, we have dropped last year’s requirement that you be wearing a tuxedo or evening gown when you read this post. But please, no tank tops or bare feet; and if you do chose formal attire, wearing both a tuxedo and an evening gown at the same time would be awesome!

It’s going to be tough to outdo last year’s winners. How do you top the likes of 2013 Funny-Named Athlete of the Year, Barkevious Mingo and 2013 Funny Name in the News of the Year, Janice “Lokelani” Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele? The latter should also win a special achievement award as the longest name ever presented herein–or maybe anywhere else for that matter. Anyway, we may not be able to top them, but let’s give it a go.

Two of these will be awarded to Englebert Humperdinck. Sadly, this won't make a whole horse.

Two of these will be awarded for Englebert Humperdinck. Sadly, this still doesn’t make a whole horse.

We’ll start with a bit of nostalgia and bestow the 2014 Funny-named Entertainer of the Year on Engelbert Humperdinck. Both of them! The cheesy 1960’s and 70’s British pop singer and the not-quite-as-cheesy 19th century German opera composer. British Englebert had a number of top 40 hits back in the day, the first and biggest of which, Release Me, peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in April of 1967. German Englebert composed any number of forgotten hodge-podges, but had one smashing success, Hänsel und Gretel, which premiered in 1893 under the baton of one Richard Strauss. It has held down the #1 spot on the Fairy Tale-Themed Opera hit parade for most of the 120+ years since. Oh, he also had a cheesy pop singer copy his name. Our correspondent Kerbey originally profiled the British Engelbert back in April of last year, and included a shout out to the late German composer.

Next up is the 2014 Funny Named Athlete of the Year award, and the field of nominees is a crowded one. With the likes of World Series MVP and Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Madison Bumgarner, Funniest Names in the NFL Draft poll runner-up Jadaveon Clowney, Minor League Baseball Moniker Madness runner-up Joey Pankake, and probable NFL Offensive Rookie-of-the-Year Odell Beckham, Jr. all in the running, it’s going to be hard to pick a winner. But since we have to, the envelope please!

And the winner is….none of the above, because there is just no way we can deny our readers’ wishes. The winner is the 2014 Funniest Name in the NFL Draft poll champion Ha-Ha Clinton Dix. He was not chosen as early in the NFL draft as Clowney and did not have as great a rookie year as Beckham, Jr. But he sure led the league in bad jokes on his name.

Next, we move on to Funny-Named Politician of the Year. I was very tempted to delve into the realm of nostalgia again, and award posthumous trophies to two classics I profiled back in July: Harry Baals and Wankard Pooser. But those names are in such an elite class of their own, it seems almost unfair to award them Horseys. So instead, we’ll actually name this award after them, and give the 2014 Wankard–Baals Award for the funniest name in politics to one Zephyr Rains Teachout. Profiled by Arto back in September, Ms. Teachout had the audacity to challenge the unfunny-named, but very powerful Andrew Cuomo, for the New York Democratic gubernatorial nomination. She lost; but she won our hearts. Being that she is a professor of constitutional law–a teacher!–at the Vermont School of Law, we need to create another new honor for actually being her name. Let’s call it the Major Major Major Major Aptly-Named Award. Too bad she doesn’t look like Henry Fonda; the image below could have been her campaign poster.

He’s not Major Major Major Major, but he sure looks like him.

Moving on to the 2014 Funniest Name in the News Award, we have a dilemma. Nothing could possibly top the aforementioned 2013 winner, Janice K. We have limited storage space on WordPress, so we can only spell out her name so many times, even though the abbreviation makes her appear to be the sister of Joseph K., from Kafka’s The Trial. And again, space limitations prevent us from naming the award after her. So let’s be brief. The winner this year is pop singer Iggy Azalea, for repeated news mentions mainly due to legal problems and for having a name that sounds more like a coniferous evergreen than an actual person. She was first covered here in a Funny Names in the News post in August. Hopefully this will be her last mention.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for–well, I’ve been waiting for it because my hands are cramping up from all this typing–the ultimate award, The 2014 Funny-Named Person of the Year.

May we have a drum roll please. Ratattattat

And now a trumpet fanfare. Tarantara

And finally, one stupendous, ear-splitting volley of flatulence! Pffffffffffttttttttttttt!

And if that introduction did not clue you in to the identity of the winner, you clearly have not been reading this blog very closely. Because, yes, our winner is the man who famously described his own name as sounding like “a fart in a bathtub,” the irrepressible British actor Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s been nominated for both an Emmy as best actor for his portrayal of the title character in the BBC TV series Sherlock, and for a Golden Globe as best actor for his portrayal of Alan Turing in The Imitation Game. He’ll almost certainly get an Oscar nomination for the latter role, as well. But he doesn’t have to wait to actually win an award. He’s got one now. So let’s give him a big round of applause and drown out all that flatulence. Or at least the sound of it.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Funny-Named Person of the Year. Only his name is flatulent.

Check out the insanity on my own blog here, and have a happy and prosperous 2015

Cheers,

Filed Under: Quotes, Ridiculous AND Sublime Tagged With: awards, Benedict Cumberbatch, culture, Engelbert Humperdinck, Funny names, funny NFL names, Iggy Azalea, movies, music, Politics, quotes, Richard Strauss, sports, Zephyr Rains Teachout

Cosmic Quote(s) #49

December 30, 2014 by Mark Sackler 5 Comments

“Sometimes it is the people nobody imagines anything of who do things nobody can imagine.”–Keira Knightley as Joan Clarke in The Imitation Game

“Machines take me by surprise with great frequency”–Alan Turing

Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game. No, that is not Sherlock Holmes.

Allow me for one second to depart from my usual flippancy and be serious for a minute. The Imitation Game, starring Benecdict Cumberbatch as Alan Turing, is one of the most important movies I have ever seen. If you are a regular reader of this blog, there is a good chance you know who Turing is, or at least have heard the name. Whether you do, or do not, you should see this movie. It will leave you with an indelible impression of Turing’s profound contribution to the world we live in today. I know it did me.

Filed Under: Quotes, Sublime Tagged With: Artificial Intelligenct, Benedict Cumberbatch, Computers, culture, Keira Knightly, movies, quotes, Technology, The Imitation Game, World War II

Cosmic Quote #46: R.I.P. Tom Magliozzi

November 10, 2014 by Mark Sackler 3 Comments

“Never let the facts get in the way of a good answer.”–Tom Magliozzi

The icons of Car Talk, Tom and Ray Magliozzi

With a line like that, you’d think he should have been a politician–if not a right-wing talk show host. Thankfully, he was neither. Car Talk co-host Tom Magliozzi died from Alzheimer’s last week. Saturday mornings will never be the same. They’ll certainly never be as funny. R.I.P., Tom.

Several years ago, I was honored to be immortalized by Car Talk when they used my puzzler submission entitled “Strange Accident.” I can’t seem to find the podcast of it–let me know if you can–but here is a reference to it on the Car Talk web site.

Filed Under: Quotes, Ridiculous AND Sublime Tagged With: Car Talk, Car Talk puzzler, culture, media, NPR, quotes, radio, Tom Magliozzi

Time Out: From the Archives of Early Children’s Television

October 29, 2014 by Mark Sackler 3 Comments

This article appeared yesterday under a different title as my monthly guest post on The Blog of Funny Names.

Buffalo Bob: “What time is it?”

Peanut Gallery: “It’s Howdy Doody Time!”

Buffalo Bob Smith and Howdy Doody, c. 1955

My age is showing, but what the %#@. If you’re an American baby boomer the name Howdy Doody (1947-1960) is synonymous with seminal children’s television–perhaps the most recognized name of 1950’s kiddie fare. If you happen to be be a boomer of a certain age–over ~~sixty~~ too many years old–you might just recall another oddball TV name from that era: Winky Dink (1953-1957).

For you uninitiated, uncultured whippersnappers, I’ll elaborate.

Howdy Doody–In the 1940’s, a Buffalo New York native, Bob Smith, created the character Howdy Doody for a WNBC radio program. The popularity of the program led him to make the move to television in 1947. the program featured both human and puppet characters, which included:

Flub-A-Dub. What happens wnen puppeteers get high.

Flub-A-Dub. What happens when puppeteers get high.

Heidi Doody–Howdy Doody’s sister
Phineus T. Bluster–The local mayor
Flub-a-Dub–an odd creature composed of body parts of 8 different animals
Inspector John J. Fadoozle, private eye
Dilly Dally–A circus performer
Clarabell Hornblower–a mute clown originally played by one Bob Keeshan of Capatain Kangaroo fame.

Phineas T. Bluster. Politics hasn’t changed.

Perhaps the most interesting sidebar to the entire Howdy Doody run on NBC, was an ongoing battle between Smith and puppet-maker Frank Paris. Paris made the original Howdy Doody puppet and complained constantly of being cheated out of royalties. Howdy Doody dolls were all the rage, and Bob Smity owned the property rights to the character. You’ve heard the phrase”I’ll take my football and go home?” Well on more than one occasion, the irate Smith took his Howdy Doody puppet from the studio and went home. Problem. The show was aired live in those pre-video tape days, forcing a last minute plot and script change making excuses for why Howdy wasn’t around.

By the way, the term Peanut Gallery, actually dates to Vaudeville. It referred to the cheapest seats where the cheapest snack–peanuts–were sold. But most of us today know the term from The Howdy Doody Show, which resurrected it for the live studio audience of kids.

Winky Dink–The name Jack Barry will forever live in TV infamy, for his roll in rigging the game show Twenty-One. It lead to congressional hearings, national disgrace, and ultimately the book and movie Quiz Show. What only a few of us who were watching kiddie TV in the mid-1950’s will remember, though, was that he was the host of a quirky live and animated program Winky Dink and You.

Long before twitter and other social media, Winky Dink was probably the first interactive TV show, though in the most lo-tech of manners. The show featured Barry interacting with the cartoons projected beside him. The interaction with audience was by means of a coded message or connect the dots puzzle, that could only be read by writing directly on the TV, or rather on a clear plastic film covering the TV. Problem. You had to send in to the network to get the clear plastic film, or Magic Window, as they called it. I didn’t have one and I couldn’t bear the suspense of not knowing what that image or message was, so I finally took a crayon and wrote, sans clear film, directly on our ancient TV screen. My mother was not pleased. Let’s just say, Howdy Doody, I got my Winky Dinked!

Filed Under: Ridiculous AND Sublime Tagged With: americana, Buffalo Bob Smith, children's television, culture, early television, Howdy Doody, Jack Barry, media, television, Winky Dink

Cosmic Quote #45

October 17, 2014 by Mark Sackler 7 Comments

“It’s pointless to have a nice clean desk, because it means you’re not doing anything.”–Michio Kaku

Moi?

Whew. If a guy that smart says it, it has to be true!

Filed Under: Quotes, Ridiculous AND Sublime Tagged With: clutter, cluttered mind, culture, Michio Kaku, quotes, work

Google This! Search Term Haiku #5

September 16, 2014 by Mark Sackler 11 Comments

“If it isn’t on Google, it doesn’t exist.”–Jimmy Wales

Not that it has anything to do with this post, but I have to start with something: reading the above quote, it also occurs to me that if something is ON Google, it exists whether it wants to or not.

OK, now down to business with another rousing rendition of Search Term Haiku, the game that asks the question, does anybody have a life? Me? My readers? The anonymous boobs who type this drivel into search engines?

To review how this works:

Every phrase must come from actual search terms that yield this blog in the results, per my WordPress stats page or Google Webmaster Tools page.
The poems must follow the accepted Anglicized format of the traditional Japanese art form: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively.
Each line must be comprised of actual search term phrases, verbatim. The only changes allowed are punctuation and truncation and capitalization.
Words may not be changed or rearranged. Typos and misspellings must not be corrected.
Phrases may be combined or extended to multiple lines, as long as the previous four conditions are met.

I should point out that the use of terms from Google Webmaster tools is a new feature for episode #5, made necessary by the fact that Google just doesn’t report many search terms to WordPress anymore. Or to anybody else for that matter. But webmaster tools reports oodles (meaning hundreds) of search terms in which a page turns up in, even if not clicked on, so I get to use those. Whatever. I don’t explain Google, I just make fun of the boobs who type dumb things into it.

So here goes nothing.

Cyber-stealth

On the internet

nobody knows you’re a horse

a goat and a pig.

Allez France

Blague sur le tennis

Pepe Le Pew girl cat name

Cest nes pas un pipe

Ewww

Wank definition:

Osi Umeniora poop

guy has sex with snake.

Voice Recognition

Letrate** sentences

paraprosdokian quotes

Siri for dummies

Brainiac

Explain like I’m 5.

Please register or login

Tyson I.Q. score

**Sic

Filed Under: Google This!, Ridiculous Tagged With: cartoons, culture, Google, haiku, humor, quotes, satire, search term poetry, search terms

Ova, Ova, Ova: Funny names in the 2014 U.S. Open

September 2, 2014 by Mark Sackler Leave a Comment

As luck would have it, my second annual sojourn to the U.S. Open Tennis Championships just happens to fall on the same day as my monthly guest post on The Blog of Funny Names. This post appears there simultaneously; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“It’s true I always try to be as seductive as possible, but I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t play tennis.”–Anna Kournikova

Kournakova. Yes, she also plays tennis.

Rybarikova…Rodionova…Cepelova…Strycova…Pronkova…to the uninitiated these names may sound like they came straight from the roster of the Moscow Ballet. In fact, they are just a handful of the 21 players whose last names end in “ova” in the Women’s singles main draw at the U.S. Open Tennis Championships now into the second week of play. It seems that eastern European women would rather play tennis than dance–and why not? There is certainly more money in hitting those little yellow balls around.

So what about the men? C’mon, now, you know better. Men don’t have ova. No, really. There is not a single “ova” name in the men’s singles draw. So where are all the Eastern European men whose surnames end in “ova?” Hmm. Maybe we should check the roster of the Moscow Ballet.

On the subject of the above quoted Anna Kournikova, it should be noted that the reigning USTA junior girls champion, 15-year-old American CiCi Bellis became the youngest woman to win a main draw singles match at the US Open since Kournakova in 1996. And whom did Bellis beat? Why Dominka Cibulkova, of course.

As for those of the “Y” chromosome persuasion, it seems the Eastern Europeans also contribute, with notable names including Czechs Blaz Kavil and Jiri Vesely and Slavakian Luckas Lacko. All three were all somewhat lacko, though, and got knocked out in the early rounds, as did Fecundo Bagnis, who just might be Bilbo Baggins’s Argentinian cousin.

Batten down the hatches, there’s a Tornado coming.

In the juniors, the best name is a holdover from last year’s girl’s finals. That would be Tornado Black. What makes her name even more awesome is that her younger sister, Hurricane Black, should be along to join her in a couple of years. Who could ever hope to beat a doubles team named Tornado and Hurricane?

We can’t leave out the boy’s junior draw, where promising up and coming names winning first round matches included Korean Duckhee Lee and Americans Usue Maitane Arconada and Taylor Harry Fritz. That last one is worthy of some discussion. We’ve at times made comments about people who have two first names (like the eponymous Tommy John) and two last names (think Harrison Ford). But in this case, we are looking at last name first and first name last. Or for that matter, maybe it’s inside out. Taylor Harry Fritz? Harry Fritz Taylor? Fritz Taylor Harry? No matter, as long as he wins.

I’ll actually be at the Open today…I’ll report in through the comments if I see any other newsworthy names anywhere else. Anywhere. Chair umpires, beer vendors, washroom attendants. Don’t ever assume that I have a life.

Cheers 🙂

Filed Under: Ridiculous AND Sublime, The Blog of Funny Names Tagged With: Anna Kournakova, CiCi Bellis, culture, humor, quotes, sports, Taylor Harry Fritz, Tennis, US Open, US Open Tennis