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Time Out: Second Annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards for the Funniest Names on the Planet

Note:  This post appeared yesterday under a different name on The Blog of Funny Names

“Awards do not pay the mortgage.”–Kevin Chamberlin

I’m taking a poll.  All those who don’t agree with the above quote, send me $100.  Let’s prove it wrong.

Now, let’s get down to business.  2014 may be over, but the awards season for its achievements is just beginning.  Not to be outdone, let’s be the first to throw out meaningless accolades in the new year, with the second annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards, honoring the best of the past year’s funny names previously covered in these pages.  Yes, we do consider it an honor.  By the way, due to numerous complaints from readers, we have dropped last year’s requirement that you be wearing a tuxedo or evening gown when you read this post.  But please, no tank tops or bare feet;  and if you do chose formal attire, wearing both a tuxedo and an evening gown at the same time would be awesome!

It’s going to be tough to outdo last year’s winners.  How do you top the likes of 2013 Funny-Named Athlete of the YearBarkevious Mingo  and 2013 Funny Name in the News of the YearJanice “Lokelani” Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele?  The latter  should also win a special achievement award as the longest name ever presented herein–or maybe anywhere else for that matter.   Anyway, we may not be able to top them, but let’s give it a go.

Two of these will be awarded to Englebert Humperdinck.  Sadly, this won't make a whole horse.

Two of these will be awarded for Englebert Humperdinck. Sadly, this still doesn’t make a whole horse.

We’ll start with a bit of nostalgia and bestow the 2014 Funny-named Entertainer of the Year on Engelbert Humperdinck.  Both of them!  The cheesy 1960’s and 70’s British pop singer and the not-quite-as-cheesy 19th century German opera composer.   British Englebert had a number of top 40 hits back in the day, the first and biggest of which, Release Me, peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in April of 1967.  German Englebert composed any number of forgotten hodge-podges, but had one smashing success, Hänsel und Gretel, which premiered in 1893 under the baton of one Richard Strauss.  It has held down the #1 spot on the Fairy Tale-Themed Opera hit parade for most of the 120+ years since.  Oh, he also had a cheesy pop singer copy his name.  Our correspondent Kerbey originally profiled the British Engelbert back in April of last year, and included a shout out to the late German composer.

Next up is the 2014 Funny Named Athlete of the Year award, and the field of nominees is a crowded one.  With the likes of World Series MVP and Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Madison Bumgarner, Funniest Names in the NFL Draft poll runner-up Jadaveon Clowney,  Minor League Baseball Moniker Madness runner-up Joey Pankake,  and probable NFL Offensive Rookie-of-the-Year Odell Beckham, Jr. all in the running, it’s going to be hard to pick a winner.   But since we have to,  the envelope please!

And the winner is….none of the above, because there is just no way we can deny our readers’ wishes.  The winner is the 2014 Funniest Name in the NFL Draft poll champion Ha-Ha Clinton Dix.   He was not chosen as early in the NFL draft as Clowney and did not have as great a rookie year as Beckham, Jr.  But he sure led the league in bad jokes on his name.

Next, we move on to Funny-Named Politician of the Year. I was very tempted to delve into the realm of nostalgia again, and award posthumous trophies to two classics I profiled back in July:  Harry Baals and Wankard Pooser.  But those names are in such an elite class of their own, it seems almost unfair to award them Horseys.   So instead, we’ll actually name this award after them, and give the 2014 Wankard–Baals Award for the funniest name in politics to one Zephyr Rains Teachout.   Profiled by Arto back in September, Ms. Teachout had the audacity to challenge the unfunny-named, but very powerful Andrew Cuomo, for the New York Democratic gubernatorial nomination.  She lost; but she won our hearts.  Being that she is a professor of constitutional law–a teacher!–at the Vermont School of Law, we need to create another new honor for actually being her name.   Let’s call it the Major Major Major Major Aptly-Named Award.   Too bad she doesn’t look like Henry Fonda;  the image below could have been her campaign poster.

He's not Major Major Major Major, but he sure looks like him.

He’s not Major Major Major Major, but he sure looks like him.

Moving on to the 2014 Funniest Name in the News Award, we have a dilemma.  Nothing could possibly top the aforementioned 2013 winner, Janice K.  We have limited storage space on WordPress, so we can only spell out her name so many times, even though the abbreviation makes her appear to be the sister of  Joseph K., from Kafka’s The Trial.   And again, space limitations prevent us from naming the award after her.  So let’s be brief.  The winner this year is pop singer Iggy Azalea, for repeated news mentions mainly due to legal problems and for having a name that sounds more like a coniferous evergreen than an actual person.  She was first covered here in a Funny Names in the News post in August.  Hopefully this will be her last mention.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for–well, I’ve been waiting for it because my hands are cramping up from all this typing–the ultimate award, The 2014 Funny-Named Person of the Year.

May we have a drum roll please.  Ratattattat

And now a trumpet fanfare.  Tarantara

And finally, one stupendous, ear-splitting volley of flatulence!  Pffffffffffttttttttttttt!

And if that introduction did not clue you in to the identity of the winner, you clearly have not been reading this blog very closely.   Because, yes, our winner is the man who famously described his own name as sounding like “a fart in a bathtub,”  the irrepressible British actor Benedict Cumberbatch.  He’s been nominated for both an Emmy as best actor for his portrayal of the title character in the BBC  TV series Sherlock, and for a Golden Globe as best actor for his portrayal of Alan Turing in The Imitation Game.  He’ll almost certainly get an Oscar nomination for the latter role, as well.  But he doesn’t have to wait to actually win an award.  He’s got one now.  So let’s give him a big round of applause and drown out all that flatulence.  Or at least the sound of it.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Funny-Named Person of the Year.  Only his name is flatulent.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Funny-Named Person of the Year. Only his name is flatulent.

Check out the insanity on my own blog here,  and have a happy and prosperous 2015

Cheers,

 

 

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2013 Funny Names In Review: Introducing the Horsey Awards!

Another guest post on the Blog of Funny Names. Check out the first annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards!

The Blog of Funny Names

“I don’t deserve this award.  But then I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that, either.”–Jack Benny

Oscars…Emmys…Tonys…Pulitzers…who cares?  There is a new accolade that every up-and-coming celebrity can now aspire to, over and above anything else out there.

Welcome to the first annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards, given to the best of the funny names honored herein during the previous 12-months.  Yes, not to be outdone by the actors, journalists, broadcasters and pig farmers of the world, we can be just as self serving as any of them.  Here are the inaugural winners of the Horseys; they are  sure to be the envy of the galaxy, if not the entire universe.  (Note: if you don’t know who Outerbridge Horsey is, you haven’t been paying attention to this blog.  Shame on you.)

To imbue a Hollywood-like aura to this affair (and please be wearing a tuxedo or evening gown…

View original post 707 more words

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BLAHS #3.2: And the winner is…

“On my tombstone just write: ‘The sorest loser who ever lived.’–Earl Weaver

It’s all over but the shouting.  Fortunately, I can’t hear you scream on the internet as long as my volume is turned down.

Essa

Essa

In a hotly contested battle, 529 ballots were cast, at least 400 of them by voters other than me.  Essa edged out Clotilda by a nose, even though I am pretty sure her nose is not the favorite part of her anatomy.  Congratulations Essa.  Or condolences, depending on how you view the BLAHS.  As for Clotilda and Sooz, I hope you are not sore losers.  Your followers tried, but could not out-stuff the ballot box.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

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BLAHS #3.1: Down the stretch they come

“A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.”–Will Rogers

With just about 24 hours to go, it’s neck and neck in a tight three-way race.   (And remember girls, not only is ballot box stuffing permitted, I also accept bribes.).  I’ll attempt to close the voting at 5PM EDT Sunday Feb 3, which may not be easy as I am presently in a far distant time zone and don’t even know if I will have internet access.  At any rate, if you missed the initial post and want to know what all the commotion is about, you can review here.  If you don’t have a clue and are too lazy to do the research, don’t worry.   This is like a real election: you don’t have to know squat to vote.

Ciao.

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BLAHS #3: Women with an Attitude–You Pick It.

“A hard man is good to find.”–Mae West

“Vote early and vote often”–Al Capone

Note: Click on The BLAHS link in the sidebar to the right for full history of The BLAHS

It’s a new year, and that means a new angle.   So without further ado, let’s get started with my third installment of The BLAHS (BLog Awards Handed Out by Sackler).  In the previous installments I pointed out that, unlike the various so-called blogging awards that amount to little more than chain letters, these goodies are handed out one at a time.  Whether one would actually want to win one is another story altogether, but I leave that for you, the reader, to decide.

Mae West--A woman after my own heart.

Mae West–A woman after my own heart.

In the name of either democracy, or laziness, I am asking my readers to vote for the next blog award for the specific category of lady blogger with an attitude. Unlike the so-called nominees in those fake blogging awards that go around–and the fact that I have been “nominated” six times in the past few months verifies the bogus nature of these entities–only one of three nominees will emerge victorious.  With that honor will come the accolades and/or humiliation, not to mention the option to receive limited edition tee shirts and refrigerator magnates with typographical errors that make them valuable collector’s items.

Enough for the preliminaries.  Let’s get started.  The nominees are: (click links to view blogs)

Clotilda

Clotilda

Clotilda Jamcracker for her blog of the same name.  The first BLAHS went to The Blog of Funny Names.  The second BLAHS went to the funniest named blog I follow, Millard Filmore’s Bathtub.  So it only makes sense to nominate the funniest-named blogger I follow.  Her attitude is more in her name than her writing;  her main goal in life seems to be maintaining a comfortable middle-class American lifestyle on financial fumes.   Attitude style:  female Ebenezer Scrooge.

Essa Alroc of Essa on Everything.   This is a woman with a no holds barred libertarian attitude.  Nothing is sacred and everything is fair game.  She makes no apologies for  herself, or for that matter, anyone else.  Be sure to wear a flak jacket when you read her blog.  Attitude style: female George Carlin.

Essa

Essa

Sue (aka Sooz) of Dreamshadow59Now here is an attitude I love.  She makes no apologies for being a single female on the prowl, or for enjoying more than a drink or two along the way.  Her faux romantic advice columns are a hot hoot.  Now, if I only had her full name and a phone number.  Attitude style: 21st century Mae West.

Sooz

Sooz

So there you have it folks: a professed skinflint, a professed libertarian, and a professed nymphom–er, party girl.  And while the rules of this award allow me to bestow all three of them whenever and however I want, here is your chance to participate.  Actually, the only rules of this award are that I can do whatever I want.  And what I want is allow you 7 days from the initial post to vote with no limit on how often you can vote.  In the spirit of Al Capone, ballot box stuffing is not just allowed, but encouraged.   See you at the awards ceremony.


(Note: you don’t actually have to visit and read these blogs to vote, but it is recommended)

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