A Blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime, by Mark Sackler
“Smart is when you believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half.”–Robert Orben
Here’s a tip for you brainiacs. If you want to know which half of my posts to believe, it’s the other half. On my other blog, Seeking Delphi. ™
Hmmm. I just started that other blog. Most of my posts have been on this one. Well, as Yogi once said, “90 percent of the game is half mental.”
“I sincerely believe blogging can save America.”– John Jay Hooker
Uh, I don’t think so. Not only is blogging not saving America, but social media might actually be destroying it. And promoting my blog on social media? We won’t even discuss that. But what I will discuss–and pound my chest about–is that just a few weeks after Millennium Conjecture’s 4th anniversary, it has passed the 100,000 hit mark. Wow. I know you didn’t see that coming, and I sure as hell didn’t. And I’m willing to bet that not more than 97,000 of those views have come from immediate family and close friends. After all, how many close friends and family do you think I could have?
In honor of this hallowed event, here a is blast from the past. It was by far my most viewed post. Thanks to being “Freshly Pressed” by WordPress, this post brought in over 1700 views and garnered 230 blogger “likes” on September 23, 2012–exactly four months to the day after my inaugural post. And yes, it has been all downhill since then.
Anyway, thanks for all the views and likes–and if you are really a masochist, check out my new blog on futurist topics, Seeking Delphi™
“You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you”–Jay Leno
(Jay Leno graduated from Emerson College the same year I did. Aren’t you unimpressed?)
Lindsay Lohan…Paris Hilton…Charlie Sheen…you just gotta follow these people to be “with it” in this day and age. What I can’t figure out is exactly what “it” is. The nonsense involving these silly (do I dare say ridiculous?) excuses for humanity, and the speed with which their inane meme virality propagates throughout the internet and general mediasphere is stultifying.
How do we quantify this vacuous tripe? Quite obviously with:
Get out your calculators folks, though the math on this one may require something more like a Cray supercomputer. This process requires not one step, but three.
Rating Inanity
This part is for those of you who—like many politicians—prefer fuzzy math. In order to compute the virality of an inane celebrity meme, you first need to give it an inanity rating. This, however, does not compute. You need to estimate it by a process that could be seen as similar to the way we old folks were taught to compute square roots in days before electronic calculators. You sort of have to zero in on it—surround it, using a combination of whatever logic or intuition works for you.
Using a scale of 0 to 1.0, we rate the inanity based on how unusual, how cable newsworthy and, of course, how inane it appears to be. Using the Lindsay Lohan example, let’s rate some real and imagined events.
Lindsay Lohan gets up in the morning and brushes her teeth (or not). Probable rating=0 (probable rating because, again, there is some subjectivity here).
Lindsay Lohan gets busted for another probation violation. Approximate rating=0.5 (This is fairly commonplace but due to media culpability still maintains some newsworthiness. Also, the specific story behind the arrest may result in some adjustment up or down; the next item demonstrates this.)
Charlie Sheen stubs his toe on the curb of 34th Street in NYC, stumbles into oncoming traffic causing Lindsay Lohan to swerve her speeding Porsche through a display window at Macy’s, decapitating several mannequins, skidding across the retail floor and then crashing through a sidewall into a back room where she runs over Paris Hilton who was in the act of giving her boyfriend a you-know-what. Absolute rating of 1.0. This theory does not permit a rating higher than 1.0, but we’ll give this one a 1.0 with a star, meaning it also generates spontaneous orgasms in Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and every Fox News and CNN anchor past, present and future. (Note that while coverage on Comedy Central will actually lampoon the coverage by the other networks, this will add even greater fuel to the viral fire than serious reporting).
Computing the Virality Index
Here comes the fun.
Symbol key
ξ =Virality Index I chose that squiggly symbol because I think it looks like Kate Middleton mooning the paparazzi.
Φ =Inanity rating Aren’t those Greek thingies cool? This one is iota, as in “I don’t give one iota of a hoot about these nitwits”.
F= number of “friends” or “likes” on celebrity’s Facebook page
T= number of Twitter followers of the celebrity There is a reason they call it TWITter.
µ =the median IQ of the set whose members are F+T. For the uninitiated µ is the scientific symbol for micro. How appropriate. (Can’t you just imagine those two sentences being uttered by Dr. Sheldon Cooper?)
To sum it up:
The virality index is the inanity rating multiplied by the combined number of Twitter and Facebook followers multiplied by what I call the vacuity index (median IQ of all followers minus 110).
Classify the Virality
For any chance at virality, the final Index number MUST be negative. This works perfectly fine for most of the personalities discussed above. If we are talking about Stephen Hawking, however, there is a better chance of finding virality in the singularity at the center of a black hole.
The classifications of virality are as follows
If ξ ≤ -100,000 minimally contagious
If ξ ≤ -500,000 highly contagious
If ξ ≤ -1 million immutably viral
If ξ ≤ -10 million globally pandemic
If ξ ≤ -100 million worthy of hours of uninterrupted coverage on CNN and FOX News.
Still to be determined is the threshold at which Geraldo Rivera coverage kicks in.
So if we compute the Charlie Sheen meme virality index for the automobile accident scenario hypothesized above, we multiply the inanity index of 1 times the combined number of his Twitter and Facebook followers (roughly 10.5 million, don’t worry about being exact, this is fuzzy math) times the vacuity index. We will estimate the latter for Sheehan as (100-110)= -10. This may be generous but 100, after all, is the definition of median IQ. This yields a score of -105 million. If you compute and add to this the scores for Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan who were also involved in the scuffle, the Index plunges much lower. The New York Post would be sure to issue a special edition.
This leaves one unanswered question, however. We now know how to compute the manner in which these viral memes are turned on. But what determines how they are turned off? As you would expect, I have the answer which I call the medialogical constant. I will discuss this in the next Equations of Everyday Life post, which may or may not be published within your lifetime.
Images credit: Meme Center All text in this post ©2012 Mark Sackler
“The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.”–Ogden Nash
Pet doors are a wonderful thing. They allow your pets the joy of repeatedly going in and out without having to constantly bug you to accommodate them.
Pet doors are an awful thing. They allow all manner of unwanted vermin to come in (mostly) and out along with your pets. Or in many cases, to be dragged in by your pets. Here are some examples.
Awful thing example #1: While you expect cats and dogs to freely use the pet door, you don’t really think a pet chicken would use the pet door. Think again. We had one that did, and it not only came in the house quite unexpectedly, but it joined Cheryl in the shower. That’s a horror story even Alfred Hitchcock couldn’t have imagined. Eat your heart out, Norman Bates.
Awful thing example #2: While our cats have frequently brought dead mice or chipmunks into the house and disemboweled them in the dining room (ick!), that is not the worst of it. They bring live ones in and let them go. The most notable example? We had a living room full of guests for a tea for a local political candidate. Just as the proceedings were about to begin, our cat, Velcro, dropped a live mouse by the side of a rather full couch. The critter ran across the feet of about three people and hid under the coffee table as everyone scattered. Cheryl caught it as the cat looked on with amusement. The dogs were worthless.
Awful thing example #3: While we are on the subject of the cat sitting back and watching in amusement as we and the dogs chased a live rodent, I present you with the case of the chipmunk in the laundry room. Did you ever watch one of those Donald Duck cartoons where he tries to catch Chip and Dale? Where he winds up destroying his house, his R.V., his camp site, or whatever? It felt like we were in a Donald Duck cartoon. The chipmunk was behind the washing machine. The dogs went nuts; but the chip was gone by the time we pulled the washing machine out from the wall. By then, the chip was behind a pile of laundry. Then it was in the pile of laundry. Then it was behind the drier. Then it was under the washing machine. The dogs were always one hiding place behind it. Cheryl finally caught the thing–I swear she must have been a cat in a previous lifetime. And our laundry room? It looked like Donald Duck’s living room after a few minutes of chasing Chip and Dale.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4fJdXL6f6U
Awful thing example #4: This one takes the cake. Cheryl and I were sitting in our home office late one evening, clicking away at our computers. Why, it was the very room I am sitting in as I write this tale. I glanced in back of me. Our three dogs were all lying there contented to be in the same room with us. And sitting right in the middle of them was what I, for a split second, took to be a rather large stuffed animal doggy toy. For a split second. But it wasn’t a toy. Good grief, it was a live possum, apparently playing possum! We have no idea how it could have gotten in there without the dogs going nuts. We can only guess that the one dog large enough to drag it in, must have done so. Cheryl picked it up by the tail, dropped it outside the front door, and it sprung to life and dashed off.
Which finally brings us to Awful thing example #5: There is a rodent in this office, right now, as I write this post. I saw it dash off the top of my desk and hide behind the file cabinet just as I walked in. The fleeting glance I got of it was too brief to tell if it was a mouse or a chipmunk. But it has eluded me. Don’t worry though, Cheryl will be home from the clinic with the dogs (they go to work with her every day.) The dogs will, of course be useless, and the cat will sit back and watch in amusement as Cheryl, as always, catches the thing.
Oh, and this one didn’t happen to us, but Awful thing example#6, below, illustrates the further dangers of pet doors in the wild. Stay safe, my friends.
Be sure to check out my new (second) blog, Seeking Delphi.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”–Douglas Adams
Today’s the day…
May 25. Towel day. It’s a tribute to one of the wittiest writers in recent history. My lunchtime, though, is never an illusion. I’d sooner miss Game of Thrones than miss my lunch. Maybe I’ll even eat something messy at lunch today and bring a towel to clean up the mess. Ah, if only that towel could clean up the mess of my life. 😉
Be sure to check out my (new) second blog–Seeking Delphi.™
“Never predict anything, especially the future.”–Casey Stengel
The one and only
The Ol’ Perfessor knew what he was talking about. Well, maybe he didn’t, but the advice is sage nonetheless. It is notoriously difficult to predict anything in the future with consistent accuracy. So why in the world would anyone want to become a futurist? Why bother? Well, to be blunt, that is exactly why! Ignoring the opportunities and dangers of the future is what I like to call The Ostrich Syndrome. Go ahead, hide your head in the sand. The future is not going to go away. And if we can’t predict it, there are certainly ways to prepare for it. To prevent bad outcomes, or at least make them less likely. To create good outcomes, or at least make them more likely. And to be better prepared to deal with whatever does come.
The sad fact is, we live in a short-term oriented society with a short attention span. So what is the antidote to this malady? It is more thoughtful foresight. We have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Kurt Vonnegut compared science fiction writers like himself to the proverbial canary in the mine shaft, warning of weak danger signals before others perceive them. That’s what futurists do, though those weak signals can signal opportunities as well as dangers as the world changes. That’s what I aim to do with the rest of my life. I’ve enrolled in the University of Houston’s Masters in Foresight program. I’m adding a foresight element to a friend’s existing market research business. I’m becoming an advocate for taking a longer view of everything. Economics. Education. Environment. Government. You name it. And I’m starting a second blog, aptly named Seeking Delphi™ after the famed Oracle of Delphi. We can’t predict the future, but we can anticipate the possibilities, avoid the catastrophes (or some of them) and create the opportunities. So here goes something. See you tomorrow and beyond.
The first post on Seeking Delphi is linked here. Keep an eye out for the addition of a podcast in the coming weeks.
“Predictions are preposterous.”–Jackie Mason
“The Best way to predict the future is to invent it.”–Alan Kay
“I don’t try to describe the future; I try to prevent it.”–Ray Bradbury
Most predictions are indeed preposterous. So why would I become a futurist in my old age? The object is not to predict the future, but it could be to invent it (per Alan Kay) or prevent it (per Ray Bradbury). At any rate, as futile as it may seem, I predict that the next stage of my life will be highly focused on the future (as I said in a previous post, 65 is the new 45 and I need a renewed direction in life.). I also predict that my next post will create a new feature–called Seeking Delphi–and with it a second blog. And a very plausible scenario also includes a podcast. You can predict some things, though what I ultimately will do is not usually one of them. Stay tuned….
“Everyone should have their mind blown at least once a day.”–Neil deGrasse Tyson
Kaboom!
I have to say this. Neil deGrasse Tyson is my hero. He is voice of reason in a world of un-reason–full of people whose minds should not be blown. They should be blown up. Oh, did i say: NDT is my hero?
‘Longshoremen walked off the docks today. Rescue operations are continuing around the clock.”–George Carlin
A gaggle of geese…a pod of walruses….a murmuration of starlings…a pride of lions. It seem that interest in collective nouns, the colorful, if mostly archaic ones that define a specific group of the animal kingdom, is on a comeback. One article I read suggested some tongue in cheek, punny new monikers for specific groups of us humanoids. These included “an absence of waiters,” “an attitude of teenagers,” and “a brace of orthodontists.” So of course, the light bulb in my brain, dull as it is, flashed on. There are any number of people packs that deserve their own special sobriquet. Here are a few suggestions.
- A prevarication of politicians–pretty obvious
- A Trump of narcissists–also obvious
- A Cruz of theocrats–sadly obvious
- A neuter of veterinarians–considering I’ve been living with one for 40 years, it’s a miracle I’m still intact.
- An enhancement of athletes–but this works only for those that don’t live with veterinarians
- A babble of talk show hosts–and it certainly seems there are a babble of them.
- An angst of existentialists–I resemble that
- A Xerox® of Copycats–Note the ®, no I.P. issues, please.
- A largesse of lawyers–NOT!! (just wanted to see if you were paying attention)
- A regurgitation of acid reflux sufferers–Ewwww!
- A rash of dermatologists–It is, after all, allergy season
- A drowning of longshoremen–You should have seen that one coming.
Any suggestions for more? Join the vituperation of posters in the comments below.
“Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.”–Rene Descartes
“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”–George W. Bush
Cherry is good, too.
It seems that perfect presidents are even rarer than perfect men or perfect numbers. And that goes doubly for perfect web sites, as that “W” quote above came from the inaptly named brainyquote.com. So what better entity to dedicate a day to than the most famous of imperfect numbers, π. On this Pi Day of the century (3/14/16 rounded up from 3/14/15) have yourself a slice of your favorite.
Cheers
“To you, I’m an atheist. To god, I’m the loyal opposition.”–Woody Allen
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”–George Carlin
I must admit, golf was once my religion. Now I’m a non-theistic existentialist, though I still occasionally play around–er, I mean a round.
I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but I might have the most cluttered mind.
The Millennium Conjectures™ 