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Google This! Search Term Haiku #5

“If it isn’t on Google, it doesn’t exist.”–Jimmy Wales

 Not that it has anything to do with this post, but I have to start with something:  reading the above quote, it also occurs to me that if something is ON Google, it exists whether it wants to or not.  

OK, now down to business with another rousing rendition of Search Term Haiku, the game that asks the question, does anybody have a life?  Me? My readers? The anonymous boobs who type this drivel into search engines?

To review how this works:

  1. Every phrase must come from actual search terms that yield this blog in the results, per my WordPress stats page or Google Webmaster Tools page.
  2. The poems must follow the accepted Anglicized format of the traditional Japanese art form: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively.
  3. Each line must be comprised of actual search term phrases, verbatim.  The only changes allowed are punctuation and truncation and capitalization.
  4. Words may not be changed or rearranged. Typos and misspellings must not be corrected.
  5. Phrases may be combined or extended to multiple lines, as long as the previous four conditions are met.

I should point out that the use of terms from Google Webmaster tools is a new feature for episode #5,  made necessary by the fact that Google just doesn’t report many search terms to WordPress anymore.  Or to anybody else for that matter.  But webmaster tools reports oodles (meaning hundreds) of search terms in which a page turns up in, even if not clicked on, so I get to use those.  Whatever.  I don’t explain Google, I just make fun of the boobs who type dumb things into it.

So here goes nothing.

.

Cyber-stealth

On the internet

nobody knows you’re a horse

a goat and a pig.

.

Allez France

Blague sur le tennis

Pepe Le Pew girl cat name

Cest nes pas un pipe

.

Ewww

Wank definition:

Osi Umeniora poop

guy has sex with snake.

.

Voice Recognition

Letrate** sentences

paraprosdokian quotes

Siri for dummies

.

Brainiac

Explain like I’m 5.

Please register or login

Tyson I.Q. score

**Sic

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Cosmic Quote #44

“Creationists make it sound as if ‘theory’ is something you dreamed up after being drunk all night.”–Isaac Asimov

 “A scientific theory is a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world that is acquired through the scientific method, and repeatedly confirmed through observation and experimentation.”–Wikipedia.

Period.

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Ova, Ova, Ova: Funny names in the 2014 U.S. Open

As luck would have it, my second annual sojourn to the U.S. Open Tennis Championships just happens to fall on the same day as my monthly guest post on The Blog of Funny Names.  This post appears there simultaneously; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“It’s true I always try to be as seductive as possible, but I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t play tennis.”–Anna Kournikova

Kournakova.  Yes, she also plays tennis.

Kournakova. Yes, she also plays tennis.

Rybarikova…Rodionova…Cepelova…Strycova…Pronkova…to the uninitiated these names may sound like they came straight from the roster of the Moscow Ballet.   In fact, they are just a handful of the 21 players whose last names end in “ova” in the Women’s singles main draw at the U.S. Open Tennis Championships now into the second week of play.   It seems that eastern European women would rather play tennis than dance–and why not? There is certainly more money in hitting those little yellow balls around.

So what about the men?  C’mon, now, you know better.  Men don’t have ova.   No, really.  There is not a single “ova” name in the men’s singles draw.    So where are all the Eastern European men whose surnames end in “ova?”  Hmm.  Maybe we should check the roster of the Moscow Ballet.

On the subject of the above quoted Anna Kournikova, it should be noted that the reigning USTA junior girls champion,  15-year-old American CiCi Bellis became the youngest woman to win a main draw singles match at the US Open since Kournakova in 1996.     And whom did Bellis beat?  Why Dominka Cibulkova, of course.

As for those of the “Y” chromosome persuasion, it seems the Eastern Europeans also contribute, with notable names including Czechs Blaz Kavil and Jiri Vesely and Slavakian Luckas Lacko.  All three were all somewhat lacko, though, and got knocked out in the early rounds, as did  Fecundo Bagnis, who just might be Bilbo Baggins’s Argentinian cousin.

Batten down the hatches, there's a Tornado coming.

Batten down the hatches, there’s a Tornado coming.

In the juniors,  the best name is a holdover from last year’s girl’s finals.  That would be Tornado Black.  What makes her name even more awesome is that her younger sister, Hurricane Black,  should be along to join her in a couple of years.  Who could ever hope to beat a doubles team named Tornado and Hurricane?

We can’t leave out the boy’s junior draw, where promising up and coming names winning first round matches included Korean Duckhee Lee and Americans Usue Maitane Arconada and Taylor Harry Fritz.  That last one is worthy of some discussion.  We’ve at times made comments about people who have two first names (like the eponymous Tommy John) and two last names (think Harrison Ford).  But in this case, we are looking at last name first and first name last.  Or for that matter,  maybe it’s inside out.  Taylor Harry Fritz?   Harry Fritz Taylor?  Fritz Taylor Harry?   No matter, as long as he wins.

I’ll actually be at the Open today…I’ll report in through the comments if I see any other newsworthy names anywhere else.   Anywhere.   Chair umpires, beer vendors, washroom attendants.  Don’t ever assume that I have a life.

Cheers 🙂

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