“The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter-he’s got to just know.”–Will Rogers
Episode One: You called me for what??
You may laugh, but this is literally true. She has ruined my appetite many times. Image credit unknown.
I don’t know if a veterinarian is the best doctor in the world, but I do know this: to survive thirty years of marriage to one, I may be the most patient spouse in the world. The early years were the worst. Why? In two words: on call. Thanks to a proliferation of 24-hour veterinary emergency clinics, she no longer gets those middle of the night wake-up calls. But here are just two of the many gems she dealt with through the years.
Phone conversation Sunday afternoon late summer day
Panicked client: “Help! My dog can’t get up!”
Dr. Sackler: “What’s happening.”
Panicked client: “My dog can’t get up.”
An effective restraint device?
Dr. Sackler: “Well can you describe the situation?”
Panicked client: “I see my dog outside struggling to get up and he can’t get up.”
Dr. Sackler: “Well stay calm and go out there and take a closer look.”
The dog’s collar ID tag was caught in a slot between planks on the wood deck.
Phone conversation at 1 AM, Monday Morning
Ditzy client: “Dr. Sackler, I swallowed my dog’s heart worm pill, what should I do?”
Dr. Sackler: “Mrs. So-and-so, I can’t help you. If your dog had swallowed your birth control pill, that I could help you with. But I can’t advise you on a human accidental dosing, you have to call your medical doctor.”
Ditzy client: “OH, It’s the middle of the night, I can’t bother my doctor!”
Dr. Sackler: “What am I, chopped liver?” CLICK!!
The second story was so ridiculous, my daughter, who was in 9th grade at the time, wrote it up and submitted it to Readers Digest for their On The Job column. They published it–sans the closing chopped liver line– and paid her $300. Oh, and it also turned up a couple of years later on a page-a-day calendar created from that column. Those were fifteen minutes of fame my wife could have lived without.
That’s enough for now, but stay tuned. These stories are just the tip of the iceberg–they get better.
The Millennium Conjectures™ 
Haha, it’s often the simple things we overlook 🙂 A good life lesson.
I asked my vet once if it wasn’t really hard to figure out what was ailing an animal and he replied that the fact that they couldn’t tell you anything actually made it easier because that way the patient didn’t mess up the diagnosis with spurious information. I didn’t get the impression that he was kidding–and there probably is at least a grain of truth to it as anyone who has dealt with a hypochondriac could probably tell you.
Yeah, but you have to deal with the pet owners and as you can see from the stories, they can be sometimes be worse!
Yes. Some pet owners should be sequestered in the waiting room! Or in their own basements…with no cell phone.
That should be evident from the two “emergency calls” recounted in this post. There is more to come…
Your wife is the best vet ever ! She has been so awesome as I have a dog with a condition at the time she had never seen before, ad worked tirelessly to get McGraw under control. When my dog Kody was passing and my ex husband and I couldn’t lift him to bring him in, se and her assistant came up on a Sunday night with a stretcher to administer the final shot. If it weren’t for her patience I’m sure McGraw would have had to be put down at the young age of 2, and because of her care he is now approaching 10. So thank you for being so supportive of your Doc Cheryl she is awesome!
Wow. I need to revisit my posts on alternate universes after that comment. 😉 Thanks for being such a good client!
Today is Day Two without my sweet girl who worshipped me. I am now visualizing her
with a mouth full of teeth, which she lost early on when I rescued her, and a meaty bone happy as a lark. She passed so peacefully in my arms, stroking her head, and reassuring her. Thank God for vets!!!
You are talking about the hardest part of the vet’s job (at least in my estimate). Pets don’t live nearly as long as we do, and loss is something that is dealt with almost every day.
Oh, believe me, I get it!
I’m married to a psychotherapist…….!
My wife feels like one at times…
This made me smile. I have always had pets so sometimes when the hour is late and most vets are unavailable, my friends will call me thinking I will just know what’s wrong with their pet. My advice is usually to take them to the emergency clinic although one time my niece called to say there way a worm hanging out of her cat’s butt. I said to flush the worm down the toilet, have a glass of wine and get worm meds the next day!
Sounds like good advice to me. 😉
Wine solves a lot of problems.
Oh, and you just gave me another idea for this series. People often ask me pet health questions–they must figure I have picked up something after all these years married to a vet. I have, it’s called kennel cough!
Hey, it’s better than fleas! Does wine help that at all? Love your humor!
Hi Mark: Thank you for viewing my blog http://www.hcurci.wordpress.com ..( NASA
space ship ..).
Any time, and thanks for stopping here.
Great stories but I’d have to say our local vets charge so much that I would avoid an emergency call unless it was absolutely necessary – LOL. Thanks for stopping by my blog 🙂
Those emergency clinics are not cheap. About the only consolation is that we no longer get woken up by middle of the night calls.
That is a common occurrence when our family gets together for meals. They are mostly in the medical field as well. Their conversations are usually more effective in producing vomiting than ipecac.
I am a vet, and my husband always threatens to write a book about the many crazy stories. He hasn’t yet done so, though.
Once when I was on call for the exotic animal service as a vet student, a guy woke me up at 3 am to tell me his turtles were stuck together. It took me a moment to wake up fully, at which point I asked him, “is one turtle behind of and on top of the other turtle?”. First he said “yes!”, as if I was a mind reader. Then he said, “Oh. Never mind”. And hung up.
Love this post. Your wife must have tons of funny stories to share. I look forward to reading some more on your blog. Im an animal lover so I’ve always been fascinated by vets. Thanks for visiting surreyKitchen. Emma.
thanks for the like of my Green Gods haiku
My vet is one of my favorite people. With 5 dogs, I’ve been in the vets office more than in my doctor’s office.
People like you are our favorites. They helped put my daughter through and Ivy League education. 😀
Mark, i’m gonna guess that because you liked my post about Pepe Z., you understand why i did what i did. jeez, i hope so.
thanks!
Decisions like these don’t come easy. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. My wife recently recounted to me the story of somebody who basically mortgaged their house to pay for a kidney transplant for their cat. She would never recommend anybody do this. Make no mistake, we love our animals, but they are not people. Sometimes the most humane decision is the hardest, but you have to do it.
We have a number of medical people in our family. There has never been a meal with them that hasn’t included gory details of one thing or another.
My stomach is cast iron by now.
I just wear those noise blocking headphones at dinner with the volume up high.
I tried that. Nothing blocks my wife when she wants to be heard.
Maybe you need the super noise blockers. LOL
Thanks for sharing. I would really like to learn more about the local animal hospital in Scottsdale, AZ. I have always wanted to be a vet. And yes dog tags getting stuck in wood planks on that deck would have been super funny. Poor thing.
Hi, thanks for your appreciation on my drawing!
Sure thing. I am appreciative of anyone who can draw, because I can’t!
A great post, Mark; I was cackling at the stories and am so happy your daughter won the RD prize! Also, it’s GREAT to be back visiting your site – you’re quite the entertainer!
Aw, shucks. 🙂
Thanks for liking my post. And a merry Christmas to you!
Dorinda
😀
Great stories – do you collect such items? I once called my vet with an emergency. My llama had been in labor two hours with no result. He flew down the dirt roads in his pick-up (all the deputies know his truck – maybe he can’t have a siren, but it doesn’t matter), we raced out into the field to find…. a contented mom with her damp, wobbly baby at her side. He never charged me for the visit!
My wife tells ’em; I just write them up. By the way, she has wanted a llama for years–it’s one of the few critters we have never had.
While a cat or dog may always be your baby, a llama grows up and becomes your partner. He has his own opinions about what you are trying to do.
And that differs from a spouse, how?
funny and sorry you had to get woken up in the middle of the night…hooray for emergency clinics!
Yeah, really. 😉
Hi Mark,
Thoroughly enjoyed the above stories. Amazing what life brings isn’t it? Keep them coming. Thanks for liking my post.