Tales of a Veterinary Spouse #6: Say what!?

“I got a big mouth.”–Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

Note: This material is rated PG-13.  My wife should have realized that before she retold this story to a bunch of Catholic middle-schoolers at a career night.  Have you heard the phrase “he (or she) has a mouth that could make a sailor blush?”  Cheryl could make Larry Flint blush.

blah blah blahIt was the late night for office hours at the clinic–a Thursday to be specific.  It was a few minutes before 8 PM closing, and the doctor undoubtedly was tired and ready to go home.  But she had just come back from a seminar that focused on bonding new customers to the practice, and wouldn’t you know it, the last appointment of the day was a newbie.

The woman was in her mid 20’s or so, and the kitty she had just adopted was her first pet ever.  Despite the fatigue of a long day, Cheryl was determined to execute a perfect “bonding” experience.  She launched in her “new kitten” spiel,  and  all was going well for the first few minutes.  But then the office manager stuck her head in the exam room and interrupted.

“Pat D. is on the phone, Cheryl,” she reported matter-of-factly, “he wants to know if he can bring his dog in for a semen sample.”

“What?  You’re kidding me.  The lab has already picked up today and I am out of gas.  Tell him to bring the dog in tomorrow morning.”

So much for that, or so she thought, and immediately pushed the “kitten spiel” button and resumed the pitch.

But something had changed.  The customer seemed distracted, even a bit perturbed.

“How do you do that?” The young woman asked, two minutes into the resumed talk.

“Huh, do what?”

“How do you get a semen sample from a dog.”

Cheryl is never one to mince words or be diplomatically indirect under any circumstances.  At 8 PM after a 12 hour day of appointments, this was certainly not going to be an exception.   Making the appropriate gesture, she curtly replied, “hand job!”

Thinking that would be the last of it, she forgot about it and resumed the kitten spiel.  But the woman was still not paying attention, and two minutes later interrupted Cheryl again.

This really is how it's done.

This really is how it’s done.

“C’mon how do you really do it?’

“Huh, do what?”

“How do you really get a semen sample from a dog?’

“Well,” she replied impatiently, “really, you get a cup and you stimulate the dog manually and, well, I can show it to you in a text book if you want.”

The woman frowned and Cheryl resumed the kitten talk, but it was readily apparent that the client was still not satisfied with the answer.  In fact, she appeared downright angry. Within a couple of minutes, she abruptly changed the topic for a third and most emphatic time.

“You’re just goofing on me,” and by now she was almost yelling, “HOW DO YOU REALLY GET A SEMEN SAMPLE FROM A DOG?”

Cheryl had had enough.

“Look at it this way lady, I’m not gonna give him a blow job!”

That ended that.  Permanently.  She never saw that customer again, and to this day she reckons it was worth sacrificing one client just to have the story.

Oh, and she really did tell that story at a Catholic middle school career night.  The students loved it; the nuns were horrified. She never got asked back, and I’m guessing she thinks that was worth it as well.

If you enjoyed this story, just wait for the next Tales of a Veterinary Spouse, which will deal with extracting semen from a rather larger species.


Signature    On twitter @MarkSackler


  1. Priceless! They still have nuns?

  2. says:

    Mark, that does “beat” the wild turkey story for sure.


    Best Regards,


    Omansky Group, LLc 904.491.1666p 508.868.4455c 904.491.1344f _____________________ insightscustomerinsights

    From: The Millennium Conjectures <> Reply-To: “\”The Millennium Conjectures\”” <> Date: Wednesday, August 7, 2013 11:42 AM To: Conrad Omansky <> Subject: [New post] Tales of a Veterinary Spouse #6: Say what!?

    marksackler posted: ” “I got a big mouth.”–Floyd Mayweather, Jr. Note: This material is rated PG-13. My wife should have realized that before she retold this story to a bunch of Catholic middle-schoolers at a career night. Have you heard the phrase “he (or she) has a m”

  3. This is really one for the books, Mark. And the way you told it…..I can hear those words coming out of Cheryl’s mouth. Good for her and thanks for retelling it to the public!

  4. Good for Cheryl. I would love to meet her someday.

    Can you do that with cats, too?

  5. Mayra Moreno says:

    This is one of the best stories and, believe me, having a husband that has worked with Cheryl for long time, I know quite a few. I will be waiting for more.

  6. Mark, thanks for making my day! I had to laugh as I read the story…but @Eda’s comment had me laughing out loud. Like her, my needs for cat semen are very limited. ;o)

  7. I’m thinking the next (larger) animal will be a horse. I’ve watched semen collection from a stallion, and I’m glad I was standing behind a protective stall door at the time. The vet was a pro and did the whole thing as just another day on the job. I was grateful to have that door between me and the prancing snorting beast coming down the aisle. After he finished his business he just sort of collapsed onto the fake “mare” with a look on his face that clearly said “anybody got a cigarette?”.

  8. I love this. Veterinary clinics can be pretty grim places, great to hear such a funny story.

  9. That sounds about right. You have to speak the language they understand. 🙂

  10. Looking forward to your next search term poem 🙂

  11. Thanks for liking me and good story. I have numerous vet friends and they have had me in tears with their stories. More please!

  12. LOL and then some.

  13. We had just moved to CT and my co-worker recommended her. We had a 1 year old male Newfoundland that needed to be neutered. After the surgery we went in to pick him up and she was talking to us about post-surgical issues. She’s demonstrating the neuter procedure to us…cupping her hands as if holding…well, his nuts…She’s trying to read our personalities and then realizing we’re cool blurts out “those were the biggest nuts I’ve ever seen!” Husband walks away with pride!


  1. […] was only one tiny little new glitch.   Airport security.  You see, unlike the dog story in Tales of a Veterinary Spouse #6, this was not going to be a hand job.  A special piece of expensive equipment was needed to […]

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