A Blog of the Ridiculous and Sublime, by Mark Sackler
“Magnetism is one of the six fundamental forces in nature, the other five being gravity, duct tape, whining, remote control and the force that pulls dogs towards the groins of strangers.”–Dave Barry
Down boy!
I can certainly agree with the first three. I think there is also an absolute force which draws my daughter towards her mother’s credit cards, and everything else is relative.
“Chaos is inherent in all compounded things.” –Buddha
Part A, the equation of canine chaos: As the number of dogs in any household, or otherwise confined environment increases, the chaos generated by said dogs increases exponentially.
The math on this one is easy and so is the logic. Let’s start with an easy equation:
Simply stated, where Cd equals canine chaos and D equals the number of dogs present, then canine chaos equals the number dogs present squared. So two dogs equals four times the chaos, three dogs equals nine times the chaos, four dogs 16 times, and so on.
As for the logic, that’s also easy. Assuming that dogs are a pack animal, then each chaotic activity started by one, will be joined in by the others. This includes, but is not limited to, barking, fighting, knocking over the trash, attacking the mailman, biting Aunt Millie, pooping in the hallway, stealing your lunch and whatever other crazy things canines do. So, if there are two dogs, it will happen twice as often and be twice as chaotic each time. If there are three dogs, it will happen three times as often and be three times as chaotic. You get the idea.
Disclaimer: this equation is an average. Obviously, geriatric dogs will create less chaos and puppies are off the chart crazy. The breed of dog is a factor as well. (See figure X, schipperkes, and figure Y—as in “why?”—labs)
Figure X. Schipperke [Pronunciation: skip-it; origin: Dutch, meaning little s&$^%#–er, I mean, “little captain”] Noun: 1. a furry black dog of Belgian origin 2. trouble waiting to happen
Figure Y. As in, “why do people keep these things?” (attribution of photo unknown)
Take for example, our own pack of three (if you can believe that) schipperkes. They have the uncanny knack of lulling us into complete complacency. Then a chipmunk runs across the lawn and our former state of quietude is instantly transformed into the canine equivalent of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. I’m sure insanity is zoonotic. You get it from your pets.
We also need to consider that there are limits to the human capability to distinguish between degrees of canine chaos. At some point, the saturation point is reached, and the perceived chaos is effectively infinite. Beyond this, addition of more dogs to the environment cannot inflict any measurably higher degree of pain. These limits may vary with the individual. I, for instance, have lived with multiple dogs for years and therefor have a higher threshold of tolerance than the average person. On the other hand, my wife is a veterinarian and is effectively immune. Our dogs could stage World War III on top of her head in the middle of the night, and she would sleep through it. [NOTE: Part B, the Law of Kid Chaos, coming soon in a future post.]
Text in the post ©2012 Mark Sackler
“Ukuleles are like your children. The first one, you obsess and protect. By the fourth one, you let them eat high-fructose corn syrup and run with power tools.” — The Interwebs
So what do you suppose we should say about a universe that contains something called The Ukelele Orchestra of Great Britain–with seven ukes?! Here is a little ditty–with copious apologies to Ennio Morricone–that is particularly dear in the hearts of me and my poker buddies. I won’t explain why, because that in itself is beyond ridiculous. But this should tide you over until the next sublime post, which is still incubating.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
– Groucho Marx
Let’s get this straight. In case you were getting the impression that this blog is the ranting of an intellectual snob, I present contrary exhibit A.
Would a snob of any kind have a friend like this?
Here’s the story. As I emerged from the Milford Indoor Tennis club after a regular Sunday morning game of doubles, I noticed that one of the guys in our group, Bob Dolan, had parked his minivan in an unusual manner. It was facing down a slight incline, backed up to the curb, with a wooden block placed in front of the rear left wheel.
“What’s with the block,” I inquired..
“My parking brake doesn’t work.,” Bob replied.
“What about your PARK gear?”
“That doesn’t work either!”
“Wow,” I said, “what did you have to do to park on that incline? Have two guys hold it in place while you put the block there?”
At which point, I took the following video, narration by Harvey Ellis. Another of my buddies, Bruce Marien, observed that this won’t go viral, but it might go fungal!
(by the way, to add to the insanity, that thing tied via bungee cord under the front bumper on the driver’s side, is the cars’ computer!)
Would someone please send this to Car Talk before they go off the air?
“I’m astounded by people who want to know the Universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
–Woody Allen
I’m having a rough enough time just finding the way to my next post, but consider this a preface.
Okay. You were promised ridiculous as well as sublime, so here goes. But be forewarned: sublime posts are speculative; ridiculous ones are not.
The Millennium Conjectures are speculations, guesses, wild assumptions. The Sackler Laws are not. They are not conjectures. They are not theories, nor hypothesis, nor speculation, nor guesses.
They are absolutely immutable laws of the universe. So you have been warned, and with that I present Sackler Law #1:
.
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As previously stated, this law is absolute, immutable, and not open to debate. It matters not the persuasion: liberal, conservative, moderate, authoritarian, libertarian, religious, atheist, vegan, cannibalistic, tea party, green party, toga party. It’s all the same. I have spoken. End of discussion. Next question please! (For a complementary, but not competing view on the subject of bumper stickers, click here.) Text in this post ©2012 Mark Sackler
I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but I might have the most cluttered mind.
The Millennium Conjectures™ 