Now for something completely ridiculous
Okay. You were promised ridiculous as well as sublime, so here goes. But be forewarned: sublime posts are speculative; ridiculous ones are not.
The Millennium Conjectures are speculations, guesses, wild assumptions. The Sackler Laws are not. They are not conjectures. They are not theories, nor hypothesis, nor speculation, nor guesses.
They are absolutely immutable laws of the universe. So you have been warned, and with that I present Sackler Law #1:
The Law of Bumper Sticker Activism
A person with one political bumper sticker on their car is a person with a cause.
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A person with two political bumper stickers on their car is an activist.
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A person with three or more bumper stickers of any kind on their car is a complete nut case!
As previously stated, this law is absolute, immutable, and not open to debate. It matters not the persuasion: liberal, conservative, moderate, authoritarian, libertarian, religious, atheist, vegan, cannibalistic, tea party, green party, toga party. It’s all the same. I have spoken. End of discussion. Next question please! (For a complementary, but not competing view on the subject of bumper stickers, click here.) Text in this post ©2012 Mark Sackler
The Millennium Conjectures™ 
A person with two bumper stickers (or more) may be an adhesive applier in a bumper sticker factory testing a new brand of glop. It’s a job. I’m happy. Or–they are related to Sarah Palin in some way.
Or–they have run out of duct tape and are holding their POS together.
As regarding your second comment, Janice, click on the link at the bottom of the post regarding the complementary theory of bumper stickers. (But it’s only a theory–remember, mine is an absolute law!)
I beg to differ. The Lipp corollary indicates there are extenuating circumstances, in which a single bumper sticker may indicate a total lack of consciousness.
Don’t give me any Lipp.
Power corrupts and absolutel power corrupts absolutely! That said, pass the Absolut.
My lips are sealed.
A person with a bumper sticker in his/her car does not love his/her car.
I can’t argue with that one. If you click on the link at the end of the story and read that blogger’s alternate theory of bumper stickers, it states more or less the same thing.
Bumper stickers are bad tattoos. If you have either, you are guilty of graffiti pollution. We banned billboards. We need to ban this portable pollution.
Better a concussion than a bumper sticker or tattoo. Then you truly can claim to be unconscious.
I have to disagree on this one, Janice. I like knowing where the nut cases are. And if we outlaw bumper stickers, only outlaws will have bumper stickers!
Good point. Identifiable nut cases. Very helpful especially when cycling internationally. Usually, it’s only the baboons that come after you.
Maybe the “complete nut case” scenario actually has some basis in fact. Don’t know where you’re located, so you may not be familiar with the Drew Peterson case. Near Chicago, Drew, a former police officer, is suspected of causing the disappearance of his fourth wife and is currently on trial for the murder of the third one. His defense attorneys, questioning prospective jurors, were asking them about any bumper stickers they may have on their cars…
P.S.–thanks for your “like” on my blog; it gave me the opportunity to find this treasure trove of absurdity
Hey Alli, thank you too for stopping by. We’ve certainly heard of the Peterson case here in the East, but I pretty much ignore cable news channels so I wasn’t aware of any details like that.
My (now very occasional) day job is news video editor for ABC Chicago. I know more about the Peterson case than I ever wanted to. I seldom watch TV at home–guess I got enough of it at work!
Aha! I know of what you speak. Many moons ago I was a local radio newsman and more than has my fill of all manner of stories. The two biggest stories during my tenure were Watergate and the great northeast ice storm. Damn. Now you’ve reminded me how ancient I am and depressed the hell out of me.
Not any more ancient than I am! But probably less jaded…
Maybe I’ll figure out a “Jaded Index” and analyze that presumption in a future post.
thanks for the read on my blog! found your laws to be both hilarious and true. I’ll have to stop by and read more often
Sure thing, Daniel. And thanks for your visit as well.