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6th Annual Poll: Funniest Names In The NFL Draft

  This post appears concurrently on The Blog of Funny Names.  I also blog and podcast on futurist topics at Seeking Delphi.™ 

“My weird name has haunted me all my life.”–Peaches Geldof

Sadly, Peaches didn’t live long enough to be haunted all that long.  The only thing that will haunt the names we honor herein, though, is how to spend the bonus checks they get when they sign NFL contracts.

So here we go–the sixth annual Funniest Names in the NFL Draft Poll.  Wow.  Sixth? Already?   If time flies when you are having fun, it flies even faster when you are making fun…of funny names.

Let’s kick it off with a review of the five previous winners and how their fortunes have fared since being drafted.

Poll #1, 2013–Barkevious Mingo. Outside Linebacker, LSU.  Mingo was the number six overall pick in the draft that year, but has never lived up to the hype of a first rounder.  If that fate wasn’t obvious when he was picked by Cleveleand, you haven’t been following the NFL lately.

Poll #2 2014–Ha-Sean Treshon “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix, Free Safety, Alabama. Picked 21st overall in that year’s first round by the Green  Bay Packers, he’s had a solid if unspectacular pro career to date.  He does have the distinction of beating out the best ever also-ran in this poll–Jadaveon Clowney.  Clowney was the number one overall pick by Houston that year.  With a Ha-Ha and a Clown, 2014 was the deepest draft in funny name annals.  However, Ha-Ha’s biggest claim to funny name fame is his cameo appearance in Key and Peele’s East-West Bowl, Pro Edition.

Poll #3–2015–Jaquiski Tartt, Safety, Samford. Tartt was the first, and so far, only player to win this poll on a write-in.  He was also the highest drafted player ever to go to Samford, going to San Francisco in the second round.  I think that final “tt” is what clinched it for him.

Poll #4-2106–Halapoulivaati Vaiti, Offensive Tackle, TCU.  Can’t say much, my computer is out of letters.  At least fourteen fans were hospitalized and treated for tongue cramp when they attempted to pronounce his name after his fifth round drafting by Philadelphia.

Poll #5–2017–Jake Butt, Tight End, Michigan. Wow, a tight end named Butt.  He was headed towards possible first round selection until he tore his ACL in the 2016 Orange Bowl.  He fell to the fifth round–selected by Denver–but sat out the entire 2017 season with the injury.  At least his butt is still in tact.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to start our engines and get to the 2018 nominees.  As usual, I’ll  regale you with my warped opinions on what the names sound like they might be, if they weren’t football players.

Vita Vea–Best name? Maybe. Best hair–definitely!

Tevita “Vita” Tuliakiono Tuipuloto Mosese Va’hae Faletau Vea, Defensive Tackle, Washington. A big name for a big (346 pound) man.  Do not attempt to pronounce this entire name unless in the presence of an external oxygen supply and paramedics.  The question is not whether this is the longest name in NFL history, but the longest in world hostory.  What I think his name sounds like: The entire Hawaiian language dictionary.

Equanimeous Tristan Imhoptep J. St. Brown, Wide Receiver, Notre Dame.  I’d say you can’t make this stuff up, but obviously, his parents did. What I think his name sounds like: the 14th editor of the Oxford Unabridged English Dictionary.

Josey Jewel, Linebacker Iowa.  Unfortunately, there are no really good double-barrelled names in this year’s draft, but there are three great candidates for best alliterative name.  Jewel is one of them. What I think his name sounds like: A Vegas pole dancer.

Folorunso Fatukasi, Defensive Tackle, UCONN.  UConn, of course, is much better known for basketball–especially women’s–than football.  And hey, my wife and daughter are both alums.  This guy throws his hat in the ring for the best alliterative name.  What I think his name sounds like: the governor of Okinawa.

Key’vantanie “Keke” Coutee, Wide Receiver, Texas Tech.  Sorry Josey and Foloro…Flor… oh, whatever your name is–Keke is my personal pick for best alliterative name in this year’s pack.  What I think his name sounds like: see Josey Jewell.

There are plenty of honorable mentions, all eligible to be written in.  But hey, you can write in your kid if he plays Pop Warner, or even your mother-in-law, if her corner blitz flattens  you.  So don’t forget to consider Ogbonnia Okoronkwo, Breeland Speaks, Hercules Mata’afa, Dane Cruishank, Chuckwuma Okorafor or just about anybody whose name tickles your funny bone.

 Voting in closed.  Equanimeous St. Brown is the winner of the 6th annual Funniest Names In The NFL Draft poll.

 

 

 

 

 

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2nd Annual Poll: Funniest Names in the NFL Draft

“I call everyone ‘darling’ because I can’t remember their names.”–Zsa Zsa Gabor

(Note: this post also appears today on The Blog of Funny Names)

"Dahlink"

“Dahlink”

If you can’t remember the names of the following guys, you are ditzier than Zsa Zsa. Yes, it’s time once again for The Blog of Funny Names annual poll where you, the un-ditzy followers of this hallowed portal, choose the most outrageous and memorable of a bumper crop of  funny-named pro-bowlers-to-be.  The 2014 draft starts Thursday evening, so let’s get right to this year’s amazing nominees.

Jadaveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina–Right off the bat, we have our odds-on favorite.  How do you beat a guy with “clown” in his name who is likely to be the number one overall pick in this weekend’s draft? And his mother Josenna works in a Frito-Lay plant, to boot.  Josenna Clowney in a Frito-lay plant? Some people are just born to live on this blog!  Clowney is going to be tough to beat, but this next guy might just give him a run for the money.

Ha’Sean “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix, FS, Alabama–This is almost too good to be true, and it’s almost unfair.  Guys with “Clown” and “Ha-Ha” in their names have a major advantage over everyone else.  They have “funny” embedded in their names!  We ought to give a special award to both of them and let everyone else compete on a level playing field.   Can you imagine the jokes if this guy had been playing back in the mid 90’s?  ” Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix” sounds like something Monica Lewinsky would have said at a senate hearing.

 
Jeremiah Attaochu, OLB Georgia Tech–Please cover your mouth and excuse yourself when you say this name.  Gezundheit!

Purifoy--It's no wonder the NFL has banned head-first tackles.

Purifoy–It’s no wonder the NFL has banned head-first tackles.

Louchiez Purifoy, CB, Florida–Nope, this guy is not a former partner of the 1970’s R&B duo, James and Bobby Purify.  At any rate, with his hairdo, he looks more like a Conehead from the Saturday Night Live sketches of that era.

Xavier Grimble, TE, USC–Wait a minute–didn’t I already cover this guy in my post about funny names in the works of Charles Dickens?  This name sounds as if it came straight out of The Pickwick Papers.  And it’s appropriate that he’s a tight end, because Xavier Grimble would make a great moniker for a prototypical Dickensian tightwad.  (Note: there actually was a  Dickens character named Arthur Grimble in Nicholas Nickleby, but I think ‘ol Charles missed the boat. Xavier is just sooooooo much better.)

Honorable mentions go to:

  •  Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri, with one of the most mellifluous of this year’s entries.
  •  Cyrus  Kouandjio, OT, Alabama, and if Cyrus isn’t as awesome as Cornelius, it sure comes close.
  • Ego Ferguson, DT, LSU.  Finally, somebody gets the first name Joe Namath or Mohammed Ali should have had.
  • Xavier Su’a-Filo, OG, Virginia.  Wow, an apostrophe and a hyphen.  Too bad he will probably split the Xavier vote with Grimble.
  • IK Enemkpali, DE, Louisiana Tech.  Yes, he apparently spells his first name with two capital letters.  IK is short for..er–uh–something-or-other.

As an added twist to this year’s voting, write-ins will be allowed.    And they don’t have to come from the honorable mentions.  You can put in any ol’ name you please, as long as it’s an amateur football player.  Even your 8-year-old nephew playing Pop Warner is eligible because, hey, you never know.   You can vote as often as you like, but the polls will close one week from today.  So as the oft-quoted and unfunny Al Capone said, “vote early and vote often.”

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