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8th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The NFL Draft.

This post appears concurrently on The Blog of Funny Names

“I want to own an NFL franchise. I understand the business of football.”-Jon Bon Jovi

I honestly have no idea if Jon Bon Jovi understands the business of football.  But with a name like his, he should certainly understand this piece of NFL business.  Yes,  it’s that time of the year again–the 8th annual poll of the funniest names in the NFL draft.  Presented this year with a little extra voting time because, hey, what else is there to do besides stream endless 60s sitcom reruns during this social lockdown?  So vote early, vote often, and yuck it up for these great names–just make sure you’re laughing at least six feet away from the next guy.  I guarantee these monikers will all be crowd pleasers.  [And of course, this feature wouldn’t be complete without my postulation of what these names might be, if they didn’t belong to football players]

Oh, and if you run out of reruns to watch, here are the links to the past 7 iterations of this hallowed annual tradition.

Eat your heart out, Sir Galahad

Tristan Wirfs, OT, Iowa–A rather royal European sounding name for a born and bred hawkeye.  He’s super athletic, and though he may not win this poll, he could be the highest drafted player in this group.  He’s a first rounder for sure.  At 6’5″, 322 lbs., who’s going stand in his way? What I think his name sounds like: A minor knight of the round table.

Prince Tega Wanogho, OT, Auburn–Do we see a pattern here?  This draft is loaded with talent at offensive tackle prospects, so it’s fitting we have two in our prime list of candidates.  And believe me, this is one offensive tackle you don’t want to offend.  He’s stands 6′ 7″, 305 lbs.  What I think his name sounds like: a potty training phrase for the future king of the Maoris.

Yetur Gross-Matos, DE, Penn State–Ah, I just love those double-barrelled names. And compared to those first two guys, he’s a svelt 265 lbs.  That’s a good thing.  If he was the size of Tristan or Prince, he’d hardly fit into Penn State.  Oh, and he has a sister named Qeturah.  What I think his name sounds like: The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of Ghengis Khan.

CeeDee’s cousin?

CeeDee Lamb, WR, WR, Oklahoma–This name does not so much sound funny as it looks funny.  Hearing it, you would expect it to be spelled C.D., not CeeDee.  Maybe his parents were phonetically challenged.  What I think his name sounds like: a cartoon wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Leki Fotu, DT, Utah– This draft is heavy with linemen–pun maybe intended.  At 335 pounds he’s the biggest of this bunch.  And at just 8 letters for given and family name, it’s the shortest tag since Jake Butt won the title a few years ago.  A small name name for a big man.  What I think his name sounds like: a character from norse mythology.

As usual, there’s a gang of honorable mentions eligible for write-ins.  They include, but are not limited to, Tua Tagolaivoa,  Quintes Cephus, Jabari, Zuniga, Justin Strnad (no, that last name is not a typo), Bravvion Roy, Tremayne Anchrum, and if you think they might make a good offensive tackle, any Sumo wrestler whose name you can spell.  You can vote as many times as you like.   Voting closes at noon, EDT, Monday April 27.

The poll is closed.  Prince Tega Wanogho is the winner of the 2020 poll.

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7th Annual Poll: Funniest Names in The NFL Draft

This is the 2019 Poll.  The 2020 Poll is available HERE

“If I could remember the names of all these particles, I’d be a botanist.”–Enrico Fermi

Voting closed.  Rock Ya-Sin is the winnier of the 2019 poll.

Ah, spring has sprung.   Flowers are blooming.  The world is reborn (just ask Tiger Woods if you don’t believe that one).  And that means one special thing: it’s time for the 7th annual funniest names in the NFL draft poll.  As sure as the spring pollens emerge, so do the weird and wonderful names that populate the NFL.   And as for that identity crisis, unless they are paranoid about their strange monikers, none of the nominees  have to worry about it.  They are all well-known–most of them–already.

So what will it be this year?  We’ve had short names (Jake Butt), long names (Halapoulivaati Vaitai), double-barrelled names (Ha-ha Clinton-Dix), write-in names (Jaquiski Tartt), aristocratic sounding names (Equanimeous St. Brown) and even a name that sounds like a Dothroki warrior (Barkevious Mingo), win the previous six iterations.

Without further ado, let’s skip to the chase.  Here are this year’s nominees.  As usual, I’ll say what I think the name sounds like it’s owner should be, if not a football player.

Just the man to front Lil’ Jordan

Lil’ Jordan Humphrey–WR, University of Texas.  How’s this for a start.  We’ve had many a double-barrelled names among the ranks of contestants.  Even a double-double-barrelled winner in Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix.  But we’ve never had an apostraphe-d name seriously compete.  OK, I just made up the word “apostrophe-d,” but give me a break.  We need some way to describe it.   And I threw in a hyphen just for added confusion.  What I think his name sounds like: the bass singer from Little Anthony and the Imperials.

Rock Ya-Sin–CB, Temple.  I just love how this name flows off the tongue.  There always has to be a nickname or two in the list (again, we recall “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix), and this year we have a couple of them.  His given name is actually Abdurrahaman.  What I think his name sounds like:  a rap artist from Taiwan.

Ceejhay French-Love, TE, Arizona State.  Nicknames and alliterative names  always play well in this poll.  But for my money, I love a great double-barreled name, and you literally have to love this one.  So much so, in fact, that I parted with convention and picked somebody who is  more likely to wind up being an undrafted free agent; this one is too good to leave out.  What I think his name sounds like: Sorry–not touching this one with a ten foot tongue.

My name….Oshane Ximenes

Oshane Ximenes–LB, Old Dominion  I’m curious to know exactly what ethnicity or nationality this name hails from.  How often do  you see a last name starting with X? What I think his name sounds like: The Greek pronunciation of Jose Jimenez.

Greedy Williams, CB, LSU–OK, his given name is Andraez, and while Williams is a rather pedestrian surname, I just love the nickname.  And while it seems a rather appropriate sobriquet for a cornerback intent on swiping the ball from opposing receivers, that’s not how he got it.  His aunt called him “Greedy-Deedee” after babysitting him in his infancy.  He’s also likely to be a first round pick.  What I think his name sounds like: a bag man for the mob.

In the TakiTaki Tiki Room

Sione Takitaki, LB, BYU–Here’s a name that’s not quite like anything we’ve ever showcased in this feature.  Like French-Love, he’s more likely to wind up playing in Canada–or the arena league, but this was another one too good to omit.    What I think his name sounds like: the designer of Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room.

You can vote as often as you like (“Vote early and vote often.”–Al Capone).  And write-ins are allowed and encouraged.  You can even write in the name of the next politician you’d like to see flattened with a corner blitz,  but be sure to consider these honorable mentions: Kingsley Keke, Jachai Polite, Devine Ozigba, Freedom Akinmladun, Yodney Cajuste, D’Cota Dixon, Deebo Samuel and just about any other combination you can find the next time you spill a bowl of alphabet soup.  Happy voting–and here’s hoping  your team drafts the funniest name.

 

 

 

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6th Annual Poll: Funniest Names In The NFL Draft (2018)

This is the 2018 poll.  The 2020 poll is running HERE.  I also blog and podcast on futurist topics at Seeking Delphi.™ 

“My weird name has haunted me all my life.”–Peaches Geldof

Sadly, Peaches didn’t live long enough to be haunted all that long.  The only thing that will haunt the names we honor herein, though, is how to spend the bonus checks they get when they sign NFL contracts.

So here we go–the sixth annual Funniest Names in the NFL Draft Poll.  Wow.  Sixth? Already?   If time flies when you are having fun, it flies even faster when you are making fun…of funny names.

Let’s kick it off with a review of the five previous winners and how their fortunes have fared since being drafted.

Poll #1, 2013–Barkevious Mingo. Outside Linebacker, LSU.  Mingo was the number six overall pick in the draft that year, but has never lived up to the hype of a first rounder.  If that fate wasn’t obvious when he was picked by Cleveleand, you haven’t been following the NFL lately.

Poll #2 2014–Ha-Sean Treshon “Ha-Ha” Clinton-Dix, Free Safety, Alabama. Picked 21st overall in that year’s first round by the Green  Bay Packers, he’s had a solid if unspectacular pro career to date.  He does have the distinction of beating out the best ever also-ran in this poll–Jadaveon Clowney.  Clowney was the number one overall pick by Houston that year.  With a Ha-Ha and a Clown, 2014 was the deepest draft in funny name annals.  However, Ha-Ha’s biggest claim to funny name fame is his cameo appearance in Key and Peele’s East-West Bowl, Pro Edition.

Poll #3–2015–Jaquiski Tartt, Safety, Samford. Tartt was the first, and so far, only player to win this poll on a write-in.  He was also the highest drafted player ever to go to Samford, going to San Francisco in the second round.  I think that final “tt” is what clinched it for him.

Poll #4-2106–Halapoulivaati Vaiti, Offensive Tackle, TCU.  Can’t say much, my computer is out of letters.  At least fourteen fans were hospitalized and treated for tongue cramp when they attempted to pronounce his name after his fifth round drafting by Philadelphia.

Poll #5–2017–Jake Butt, Tight End, Michigan. Wow, a tight end named Butt.  He was headed towards possible first round selection until he tore his ACL in the 2016 Orange Bowl.  He fell to the fifth round–selected by Denver–but sat out the entire 2017 season with the injury.  At least his butt is still in tact.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to start our engines and get to the 2018 nominees.  As usual, I’ll  regale you with my warped opinions on what the names sound like they might be, if they weren’t football players.

Vita Vea–Best name? Maybe. Best hair–definitely!

Tevita “Vita” Tuliakiono Tuipuloto Mosese Va’hae Faletau Vea, Defensive Tackle, Washington. A big name for a big (346 pound) man.  Do not attempt to pronounce this entire name unless in the presence of an external oxygen supply and paramedics.  The question is not whether this is the longest name in NFL history, but the longest in world hostory.  What I think his name sounds like: The entire Hawaiian language dictionary.

Equanimeous Tristan Imhoptep J. St. Brown, Wide Receiver, Notre Dame.  I’d say you can’t make this stuff up, but obviously, his parents did. What I think his name sounds like: the 14th editor of the Oxford Unabridged English Dictionary.

Josey Jewel, Linebacker Iowa.  Unfortunately, there are no really good double-barrelled names in this year’s draft, but there are three great candidates for best alliterative name.  Jewel is one of them. What I think his name sounds like: A Vegas pole dancer.

Folorunso Fatukasi, Defensive Tackle, UCONN.  UConn, of course, is much better known for basketball–especially women’s–than football.  And hey, my wife and daughter are both alums.  This guy throws his hat in the ring for the best alliterative name.  What I think his name sounds like: the governor of Okinawa.

Key’vantanie “Keke” Coutee, Wide Receiver, Texas Tech.  Sorry Josey and Foloro…Flor… oh, whatever your name is–Keke is my personal pick for best alliterative name in this year’s pack.  What I think his name sounds like: see Josey Jewell.

There are plenty of honorable mentions, all eligible to be written in.  But hey, you can write in your kid if he plays Pop Warner, or even your mother-in-law, if her corner blitz flattens  you.  So don’t forget to consider Ogbonnia Okoronkwo, Breeland Speaks, Hercules Mata’afa, Dane Cruishank, Chuckwuma Okorafor or just about anybody whose name tickles your funny bone.

 Voting is closed.  Equanimeous St. Brown is the winner of the 6th annual Funniest Names In The NFL Draft poll.

 

 

 

 

 

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