Google This! Search Term Haiku #2

“Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung.”–Voltaire Used by permission
Used by permission

If Voltaire were alive today, he would have said “anything too stupid to be spoken is Googled.”

And with that missive, folks, it’s time for another thrilling rendition of Search Term Haiku.   To recap,  this feature was inspired by blogger  Elkement  when she created search term poetry on her blog, Theory and Practice of Trying to Combine Just Anything.     She suggested I try my hand at it, and I did her one better.   I created search term Haiku,  which must abide by the following rules:


  1. Every phrase must come from search terms actually used to find this blog, per my WordPress stats page.
  2. The poems must follow the accepted Anglicized format of the traditional Japanese art form: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively.
  3. Each line must constitute an actual individual search term phrase, verbatim.  The only changes allowed are punctuation and truncation.  (Phrases may be taken from within search terms).
  4. Words may not be changed or rearranged. Typos and misspellings must not be corrected.

The poems below have all been created using search terms that have appeared on my WordPress stats page since the last Search Term Haiku post in January of this year.  It should be noted:  adding stories to this blog about my life as the husband of a veterinarian has opened up a whole new world of gross search terms.  I did not make these up, I swear it.  Enjoy.


What does poop look like?

Images found on Facebook

When you have pinworms


Science Class

Why is the sky plue*?

To Teach Physics to Your Dog

Erwin Schroedinger



Ah, Me

Mark Sacler* part 3

When you have enough quotes

Rat and pig cartoon



Canine Crazy

Dog eats brillo pad

At subatomic level

Mental enema




Small lazy black dog

Veterinarian spouse

The wife of Luffy

* SIC (typos reproduced accurately.)


Funny Names in the NFL Draft 2013

Here is my newest opus on The Blog of Funny Names. My apologies to those of you who are not North American sports fans. You have my permission to skip this one–and miss all the fun.

The Blog of Funny Names

I am about to commit the ultimate heresy as a 50-year keeper and chronicler of baseball funny names.

This post is about funny names in football,  which I admit concede nothing to baseball in this post-post-modern era. One has simply to look at just a few of the names in the recent history of the game to get the drift.  Plaxico Burress. Osi Umenyiora. Mathias Kiwanuka. Santana MossD’Brickashaw Ferguson.  And this list is only a partial accounting of the unusual and funny names that have passed through just one NFL city–New York–over the past decade.

The NFL draft begins tomorrow evening.  We would be remiss in not giving it its due.  Further, we will involve you, the reader in a stirring competition: a poll to pick the funniest name in the 2013 NFL draft.  So without further banter, here are the nominees for Funniest…

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Cosmic Quote #21

“What do I do in the winter when there is no baseball?  I look out the window and wait for spring.”–Rogers Hornsby

I have previously posted this picture.    This is how I feel when spring has finally sprung. (That’s not me in the picture, I have no idea who it is.  My camera timing was just perfect, and more than a bit lucky.)

Pura Vida.  A beach near Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica.January, 2008.   Copyright Mark Sackler, 2008.

Pura Vida.  Copyright Mark Sackler, 2008.


Time out: I am not a twit–er, am I?

“Twitter is the devil’s playground.”–Albert Brooks

Twit–Verb,  to taunt or tease.  Noun,  an insignificant, silly or bothersome person. Neologism-any dork who uses twitter.



I have finally done what I said I would never do: use twitter.   The vanity urgency of my posts herein require I find ways to seek more lemmings a wider audience.   And seeing I am far too cheap modest to take out a billboard on I-95, I had to do something.  So if you can’t stand get enough of my inane profound rantings pronouncements, @MarkSackler is the place to avoid like the plague be.

[Note: To fully understand the gibberish in the above paragraph, read it with the crossed out words and phrases and without the italicized ones.]


Cosmic Quote(s) #20

“The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.”–Albert Einstein

“The income tax has made more liars out of Americans than golf”–Will Rogers

“Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors…and miss.”–Robert Heinlein.

Hahaha.  I can laugh now.  It’s April 16.  It’s all over….except the crying.


Kaley Cuoco

My latest guest post on The Blog of Funny Names. She’s a funny lady but there is nothing funny about her career…

The Blog of Funny Names

(Hey, Dave – it doesn’t count as hijacking your blog if I’m just hitting “Publish” on someone else’s behalf, right? amb xo.)

(PS Mark – that clip just made my morning. Hilarious!)

“That’s a funny name….Smoot!”–Penny (Kaley Cuoco) on The Big Bang Theory.

How awesome is that?  A funny name quote delivered by a funny-named actress on one of the funniest shows ever on TV.

Kaley Christine Cuoco is a 27-year-old California-born actress who just happens to be one of the hottest things on television in the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory.   She portrays the street smart Penny who lives in a Pasadena, CA apartment across the hall from a pair of nerdy brainiacs from Cal Tech .  Along with Jim Parsons, who plays the scientifically brilliant but socially and culturally clueless Dr. Sheldon Cooper,  she makes the show what it is–the highest rated sitcom on US network…

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Tales of a Veterinary Spouse #3: Surgery, yes. Kitchen, no.

“Anybody who finds it easy to make money on the horses is probably in the dog food business.””–Franklin P. Jones

Mark's Spitz

Mark’s Spitz

My wife is a great surgeon.  You know how I can tell?  She is the one that is always asked to carve the Thanksgiving turkey.  We figure, if she can spay a dog or cat, she should be able to cut up a bird.

The one thing she is not generally asked to do is prepare the Thanksgiving dinner,  for reasons the following story will illustrate.

We had been married for three years, and were living in our first apartment after her graduation from veterinary school. It was just the two of us and our first dog, an affectionate and lively spitz named Doodlebug.

Cheryl was actually making some semblance of effort to be a wife as well as a vet.  One afternoon on her day off she decided to make brownies.  Dinner?  She made reservations; when  I got home from work, we went out.  The cooling brownies were left on the kitchen table sharing half of a large round serving plate with some store-bought chocolate chip cookies. (Keebler, Nabisco? Whatever.)    The table was, she thought, out of the dog’s reach, so the goodies were safe, and we left.

The table was out of the dog’s reach. BUT, the chair left slightly out from the table was within reach,  so that Doodlebug could jump up on that and then reach the plateful of fun.  She did.  And she ate every single one of those mass produced cookies and did not so much as sniff my wife’s brownies.  When we got home, there was the plate:  the cookies on one side were gone, crumbs and all.   The brownies were untouched.  My wife was devastated–and I laughed so hard it’s a miracle I did not crack three ribs.   Amazing.  Our dogs will eat just about anything, including cat poop, horse poop and their own poop.   What they won’t eat is Cheryl’s brownies.  Now you know why we eat out a lot.  Bon appetit!


1001: A Blogging Odyssey

“Blogs are whatever we make them. Defining ‘blog’ is a fool’s errand.”–Michael Conniff

“Blogging is pure vanity.”–Unknown

1001 HITSLet’s not get all misty eyed here, but yesterday The Millennium Conjectures™ passed the 1,000 subscriber threshold.  This presents an opportunity to wax poetic on the nature of blogging itself.  Oh, wait, I forgot–you don’t care, and my poetry stinks.  I’ll spare you the agony;  if you are one of my followers it is probably because of the humor, satire or metaphysics.  Thanks for being here.  Thanks for liking my posts and commenting on them.   The onus is now on me to keep delivering–with a little help from my friends, of course. 😉


Cosmic Quote #19

“Technology is anything that wasn’t around when you were born.”–Alan Kay

Image credit: Andy

Image credit: Andy Singer

Gee, the world hasn’t changed all that much in my lifetime, has it?  It’s not like people were still communicating with smoke signals in my infancy.  Let’s see–what didn’t exist when I was born?  Color TV.  Stereophonic sound.  Jet airliners.  Solid state circuitry.  NASA.  Computers smaller than a log cabin.   Ouch!  Mark!  Don’t remind yourself how old you are.  See folks, technology has me talking to myself.  I know… I know… that’s what blogging amounts to in the first place.  Now, back to the salt mines…

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